Summary: The first christmas without Buffy.

"Daaaaaad-dyyyy"

I wake up as my 3 year old daughter and 4 year old son bounce on my stomach.

"Merry Christmas" Kieran looks at me with big brown eyes, and a grin which reaches his eyes.

"Mewwy Chwistmas" Melissa copies her elder brother, but she can't quite say her "r"'s. Her blonde curls are all tangled, and I automatically reach out with my fingers, trying to untangle her slightly. I look over at the doorway for Maighan. She's standing seriously, her honey coloured hair brushed, and hazel eyes are looking at me. At 7, she can remember past Christmasses, and she's lost in a memory of the time before.

Before Buffy died. This is the first Christmas without her, and to be honest, I'd rather crawl back under the covers and stay there. However I have three other people to think about.

"Maighan? Come here honey." My eldest daughter makes her way across to my bed. She sits down on the edge, and I can see now that she's been crying. I give her a hug, and then reach under my bed to pull out three stockings. The three of them are so different. Maighan is so serious and contemplates each of the stocking gifts carefully, looking at them, and then placing them back in the stocking. Kieran just races through, headstrong and stubborn like his mother, and Melissa kind of mixes the two. Willow had to help me choose little stocking fillers. Buffy usually takes care of that, it is, was, one of her favourite jobs.

"hey guys, go and wake up Auntie Willow, Uncle Oz, Grampa, Grandma Joyce, Aunt Cordelia and Uncle Xander..."

Even Maighan has cheered up by now, and the three of them fly out the door to wake up everyone else. Finally I allow myself to think of my beautiful wife. I can't believe she's been snatched from me. After surviving all the hellmout threw at us, to be taken from me by cancer. She might not have suffered a lot, and I'm glad, but I find it hard to thank for small mercies, when the powers that be have stolen my shining light. Not only my life, but that of my children. We survived as vampire and slayer, then we even managed to become man and woman, because Willow did a spell which made me human for a night. During that night, Maighan was conceived, and because of the purity of our love, I was turned human, with super strength.

"I love you Buffy". I swear I can still smell her perfume in the bed we shared, and if I close my eyes, I can still see her clear as a day. I pull out the present I'd bought for her. It's only been 4 months since she died. It's an eternity ring, a tiny claddagh rests on it, but it's made to match her wedding ring. It's engraved on the back, Buffy and Angel O

Connor. She was wearing the wedding ring when she was buried. This one was at the jewellers. I got the call the day after she died to come and pick it up. I look at it, and put it back in the box. Buffy knew she was getting that. I'm going to keep it, and give it to Maighan when she turns 18. I know the loss of her mother has affected her the worst, and I know she has Willow and Cordy who mother her, but Buffy and Maighan were always close.

Maighan's strong. Stronger than most 7 year olds, but we know she's not a Slayer. Thank god. It's because she's a mix of vampire and slayer, whereas the other two are just normal children. Maighan burns easy in the sun, despite her dark colouring, and she heals quickly.

I go downstairs, discovering I'm last.

"Hurry up Daddy" Kieran's impatient. He's almost foaming, desperate to get into his presents. Willow gives me a small smile, and I pick up Missy and put her on my lap. Maighan's sitting on Giles' knee. He misses Buffy as much as I do, and because Maighan's so quiet, he made such an effort to help her. I'm glad because she needs someone other than me who can read with her, and talk to her. She was close to Buffy, even near the end.

Halfway through the traditional opening of presents, Missy turns round with a card she's made herself. It's the moment I've been dreading.

"Mommy? Here's mommy's card."

Willow starts crying, and runs to the toilet. Cordy stands up, then sits down again. Oz, well, is just Oz. He's concerned about Willow, she's 5 months pregnant. Xander, looks like he's going to join Willow, but Cordy grasps his hand. Maighan buries her head in Giles' shoulder.

"Missy..." I'm cut off by my son.

"Missy, remember..." Kieran's little voice sounds deceptively cheerful. "Mommy's talking to the angels today. Remember Missy? She's watching us"

I know I never told Kieran that, but it sounds like something Willow would have told them. I'm glad, because I didn't have to explain. Missy starts crying, and sets off the other two as well. I pull Kieran to me, and Maighan is with Giles, so I'm holding them all. I pull out a small box.

"These are mommy's presents for you."

Buffy organised these when she realised she was dying.

Maighan opens hers, and a silver ring on a necklace falls out.
"Dad" She asks, and I fasten it round her neck. As I do, I recognise the ring. It's the claddagh ring I gave Buffy on her 17th birthday. 10 years ago, in January.

Kieran's is a photo frame, with a family photo in it. He looks at Buffy's smiling face, and I can see the mask go on. He's inherited that from both of us. We were good at burying the hurt, and it looks as though, even at 4, he's picked up the same trait.

Missy's is a locket, with the same photo in it. It has all our names engraved on the back. Mom, Dad, Maighan, Kieran and Melissa.

Things cheer up later on as we have our meal, and I only catch Maighan looking at the chain round her neck once. She gives me a small smile, and I know, that this is the hardest one. From now on it'll be easier, because we know we can manage.

I miss Buffy. Sometimes, I struggle to get through the day without her, but I have a reason now. I have her legacy to look after. There's letters for all the kids from her. She's marked sets of envelopes, ones for each of them when they turn, 13, 18, 21, graduating high school, graduating college, and when they get married.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (2/15) Memories

SPOILERS: Few small ones, Halloween, Bad Eggs, Whats my line part 1, Amends. Nothing plot revealing however, just little B/A moments.

SUMMARY: It's a special day, and Angel is remembering.

.

Happy Birthday Buffy.

Today you would have been 27. Your birthday hasn't caused us this much pain in a long time. Your 18th birthday, well, it wasn't exactly your favourite birthday, what with the Crucamentium and all, but I guess it had to be better than the one before. The first time we made love was on your 17th birthday. That's a memory I treasure dearly. The consequences, I have tried to put behind me, since that was the vampire, and I can hardly call myself a vampire these days...since Maighan was born.

It hurts us so much, because not only is it your birthday today, its exactly 5 months since you died.

Melissa drew a picture for you. It's all of us together, and its beautiful. She hasn't really realised that Mommy's gone away altogether. She thinks its more along the lines of a quick visit to heaven, along the lines of a short holiday.

Buffy, I don't know how to raise our children. Your mom terrifies me, much as I love her. I'm so scared that she'll realise I'm the one who caused all that pain, all that hurt 10 years ago. I know she'll blame me for your death if she does, maybe without all the stress you wouldn't have got sick. I can't lose the kids, they're my only living reminder of you.

We're having a meal together today. All of us. At your mom's house. I haven't really been there since you died. Not right inside. I don't want to go Buffy, but I don't have a choice, since Maighan, Kieran and Missy should be there, and everyone else is making the effort to be there. Willow, Oz, Xander, Cordy, even Spike's gonna be there.

There's a lotta good memories in that house you know. Remember that time your mom grounded you, said you weren't allowed out of the bedroom, and we kissed through your window. Or that time after Halloween, when you had just dressed up as that 18th century girl. I was telling the truth then. I never did like those girls. Or even, the time we were going skating during career week. And who can forget that Christmas, the first one after I got out of hell, where we were "just friends". That dream, although not real, was vivid enough...

I guess, in some ways, its a little easier now, because I can remember the good times. The memories are bittersweet though, because you're not here. Sometimes, I'll be lying in our bed, and I'll remember something like that, and I'll turn round to tell you, and you aren't there. It was horrible the first time that happened.

That bed, wow. Some good times we had there, hey? I like to think its where we conceived Kieran and Melissa, but who knows? Could've been the bathroom, or the couch, or the back garden...

I love talking to you like this. Sometimes, when I'm real tired, its like, I feel you in the room with me. I like that feeling, but it scares me, because if your spirit is in the room with me, does that mean you aren't happy? That you aren't at rest?

Oh, Buffy, I have too many thoughts, and no-one to share them with.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (3/15) Visitations

SPOILERS: A little tiny one for Becoming 2. But you'd have to have seen it to get it.

SUMMARY: Angel's not the only one who's missing someone.

Hey honey.

I am happy you know. Those times when you feel my soul, or my presence, they're just visits. I do miss you, you know. People don't realise it, but heaven wouldn't be perfect if I couldn't see how everyone was doing!

I'm looking at you, and I hope you can move on. It hurts me to see you this unhappy. Your beautiful face is tear-streaked. It makes me want to move close, and encircle you, but I'm not allowed. It's kinda one of the rules, yeah, I realise I was never one for rules, but this is a good one. If I was to appear to you, then it would be harder for you to move on.

Thats why I only visit at nights. And only some nights. This is because, at night you're tired, and if for some reason, my presence becomes visible, your mind will recognise it as a dream. I sound like a watcher, or something.

You're sleeping now. I'm glad, because I can read your thoughts, and much as I love you, I don't want to know everything youre thinking. I had a bad experience, remember? It nearly drove me insane.

I walk across, and run an ethereal hand across your face. It's still so beautiful, but even in sleep you know little peace. You whimper, and cry my name, and your pillow is wet with your tears. I can do this though. I put my hand to your head, and I can make your dreams pleasant. I search my mind for a memory that'll make you laugh, or at least be happy. I settle on that occasion, just before I got pregant with Maighan, where Willow cast that spell which went wrong, and everybody was stuck in their ultimate fantasies. That was a good spell remember?

Hush now baby. I wait long enough to see that the dreams are working. I walk through the house which was so dear to me when I was alive, and into the first bedroom. Maighan.

I wish she were a little younger, because maybe then, she wouldn't be so affected by my death. I so wanted to be the best mom to her, I wanted her to feel she could tell me anything, but that kinda went out the window when I died. I've written all those letters, but its not the same, is it? I want to be there. At least, I can see her grow up. I smooth the pretty blonde hair out of her face. She's gonna be such a honey, you'll be fighting the boys out of the house. Actually, Angel, I wish I could be there for that. I can just see you getting all protective!

I give my baby a kiss, and move on to Kieran's room.

I always wanted a little boy, one who I could dress up in little sneakers, and jeans. I pull the bed covers back, and try hard to suppress the laugh which threatens to spill out of my mouth. He's wearing pajamas which I know HAD to be a present from Xander.

This guy, I can see it already is going to be like his daddy. Tall, dark, but he'd better not be broody. The letter I've left Xander, one which he should have read already, instructs him, in no uncertain terms, that he must pass my son his sense of humour. I mean, this boy is going to need it. His elder sister is a hybrid, in some ways. She's pretty strong. His younger sister is going to be a slayer, and he's just a normal little boy. I stroke his brow, and kiss his cheek.

I love Missy's room. It's decorated all in pink. She's such a girls girl in some ways, and a tom boy in others. I look at my sleeping baby, and this is where I get upset. She's gonna be a slayer. I know it. Willow knows it. But Angel doesn't. And, I hope like hell, he doesn't find out til she's at least 16. Because she's so young and because she has psychic abilities which are part and parcel of being a slayer, there's ways I can communicate with her, when I can't with others. I use my powers and slide into her dreams, which although aren't prophetic yet, will be when she's called.

"Mommy? Mommy?"

"Hey sweetie. How was school today?" Just normal conversation. I don't think she has grasped the idea of "death" yet.

"Mommy!! She's running towards me, and suddenly she's in my arms. "I love you mommy". She gives me a big kiss.

"Mommy...I drawed you a pic-chur today but Misses Phillups wouldn't let my bring it home. She said I should put it on the wall. But I said it was for mommy, and she just gave me a funny smile."

"I know honey, I saw it. I loved it"

I have to leave her mind now. Any longer and she'll remember the dreams. This is where it hurts. This is where I hate letting go. My eyes are welling up with tears, and I can't bring myself to leave. There's a comforting presence on my shoulder, and I hear a voice

"Buffy. I tink dat its time to go. Ya know dat we can't spend long."

I smile at Kendra. The Jamaican slayer (ex-slayer? I wonder) smiles back, and we leave together.

TITLE: Love of A Mother (4/15)

SPOILERS: Nothing major...Claddagh rings from Surprise. Thats about it. Spoilers for The Hardest Christmas. Some tiny reference to Graduation Day

SUMMARY: Maighan Willow O'Connor reads a letter from her mom

2018.

Today I graduated high school. It feels like another chapter has closed in my life. All my extended family came, Aunt Willow and Uncle Oz, Aunt Cordelia and Uncle Xander, Grampa, Grandma Joyce too, even though she's ill, swore she wouldn't miss another graduation in the family, not after having to miss mom's. We've all been out for a meal, and after we came back home, and Kieran and Melissa had gone up to sleep, Dad came and gave me a letter. My name was written in Mom's handwriting on the front, and I could smell her perfume of it. It's amazing, even though I was only 7 when she died, I can still remember small things, like how she smelled. "Maighan Willow O'Connor"

I haven't even opened the envelope yet, and I'm crying. Dad gives me a half smile, and goes upstairs. I slowly open the letter, and begin reading, savouring every word which mom has wrote to me.

"Dear Maighan,

I wish I could be telling you this in person, but I know myself that its time to go. I'm glad I had the chance to have you, something I thought I'd never get, because of the Slayer in me. I'm not sad because my life is ending, its a lot longer than I expected to live, but I'm sad because I've missed out on your life. This is an important day for you. I hope it went well. Know that I'm proud of you honey, no matter what you decide to do in life. You were always into reading, I guess that comes from your dad, because I could never sit still more than 10 minutes. I know you'll have gotten into a great college..."

She's right. I got into every college which had a stamp, but I've decided to go to UC Sunnydale.

"I hope your Graduation was better than mine. I never wanted you to know the world of demons and all, but its better that you are prepared..."

Dad told me all about her Graduation, and the mayor trying to ascend.

"I'll be there. At your graduation. Definitely. I'll be watching you, no matter how impossible it may be, because the "powers that be" better know, there's no messing with the slayer when its her eldest daughters graduation"

I've always heard how stubborn she was. The tears are flowing freely down my face now.

"Look after your dad, he doesn't believe that I'm dying now. I don't know if he'll ever accept it. The ring you wear on a necklace is one your dad gave me for my 17th birthday. It's a claddagh ring, and the heart stands for love, the crown for loyalty and the hands for friendship. I hope that you find someone who means all that to you."

I've been subconciously toying with the tiny silver ring all this time. I know vaguely what happened around mom's birthday, but I don't know many details. It seems to hurt everyone too much to talk about it.

"Kieran and Missy must be growing up now. It tears my soul that I wont see all of you grown up. I love you honey.

All my love,

Mom."

I'm sobbing by now, but I fold up mom's letter and put it back in the envelope, because I don't want to cry on it.

"I love you too mom".

It's then I see my dad sitting on the stairs. He walks over to me, and envelopes me in a big hug. He's never remarried, or even dated anyone else. I know my dad, I know he'll feel guilty if he even looks at another woman. He hasn't moved on, and there's no one on earth who even compares to mom in his eyes. Aunt Cordelia tried to set him up with a few women, he was an attractive man, but he snubbed them all. I know, if he accepts mom's death, he'll die too, so I'm glad he hasn't. It may sound horrible, but its true.

TITLE: Love of A Mother (5/15) Seeing the Past

SPOILERS: tiny Graduation Day ones

SUMMARY: A friend remembers a great woman.

We're all grown up now. It's been 20 years since Sunnydale High where we all met. I'm married. And a dad. Amazing. And who would've guessed I'd be married to Cordy? We spent all our time fighting, but finally we got it together again. And I have four children. Sarah Angela, David William,Mark Andrew and Michael Rupert. They've all been given middle names after friends, but without making it obvious. Angela for Angel, William for Willow,Andrew for Anne (Buffy) and of course, Rupert for Giles. Cordelia's expecting again, we're going to give the new baby either Oz, if its a guy or Faith if its a girl. We're a happy family. I've got a decent job, even if it is rather Giles like in nature. I was in the army, and now I'm assistant librarian at the high school. Cordy used to work as a designer, but she made enough on a few designs that she managed to give up altogether when Mark was born.

Willow and Oz got married. They've got one child. Willow had problems with the pregnancy, probably because Buffy died around then. She can't carry another baby, and she's such a good mother. Eliza is eleven now. Eleven years since Buff died. It still hurts to think about.

It's Angel I'm worried about just now. He's been very down lately, ever since Maighan graduated. She's at college now, and the other two are getting pretty independent. There was a time, where I wouldn't care whether or not Angel was alive or not, but he's become a good friend. He's had a harder life than most, raising their three kids by himself. And with the invitation for Buffy to our 20 year reunion, there are constant reminders of her around. He's never fully accepted that she's gone, but he struggles on because he has Maighan, Kieran and Melissa to look after.

I'm going to the reunion. Just to see whats happened to everyone. And to make sure everyone knows that Buffy went down fighting. She was a brave girl, and an even more courageous woman. Not many people could have battled all she did, and stayed happy, and not bitter.

We approach the entrance, Willow, Oz, Cordelia, and myself. All the kids are at Angel's and Maighan is looking after them. As for Angel himself, I don't know where he is, but, I have a pretty good idea. He'll be at the graveyard.

The school looks completely different. Probably because its been completely re-built since we blew it up at Graduation. I smile at the memory. I grab Cordy's hand and we walk in together to confront old memories. Funnily enough, the first place we walk to is the library. It has been rebuilt exactly same. I close my eyes, and I'm transported back 20 years.

Somethings change, and others stay the same. The library, even while it sits above the hellmouth feels like a sanctuary. Then out of the book cage, comes Giles. An older, and sadder Giles. He's just here for the reunion anyway, but this feels like home. I just keep expecting Buffy to barge through the doors. It's amazing, she's been dead for 11 years and she still manages to be at the front of our minds. It just shows what a special person she was.

TITLE: Love of A Mother (6/15) Passing the torch

SPOILERS: nothing big. Graduation Day, a line or two from becoming 2.

SUMMARY: Buffy tells her daughter a truth.

I never really knew my mom. I was just 3 when she died. You can't miss what you never knew, logically, but it does feel emptier without her. My dad's an angel, but I would love to have known my mother. I'm 16, and Aunt Willow's given me a letter from Mom. Usually its Dad that gives out the letters, and I don't remember Kieran or Maighan getting letters when they turned 16, but I think I know what this is about.

I open the letter.

"Dear Melissa,

Your dad doesn't know this letter exists. He doesn't know about any of this. I couldn't break his heart and tell him then, because I only found out after I knew I was dying. I wish I could be there to tell you this myself. I never wanted this for you, but there's nothing I can do for you to stop it. You are destined to be a Slayer, and you'll be called when you're about 17. Maybe you'll be lucky, and you'll have graduated high school by then. Listen though, you WILL finish high school, and you WILL have a normal life, and you WILL have the chance to do anything you want because I did it. You have a support network, and everyone knows about slaying now. Don't listen to the slayer handbook, I never even knew about it, and it didn't hurt me. "

I'm a slayer. Oh god, thats what these sudden bursts of strength are all about. Oh god, I had suspected, but I was never sure.

"If I could have been strong enough, I would have told your dad. but sweetie, he was so happy when we discovered despite Maighan's unusual heritage, she wasn't to be a slayer. I couldn't burst his bubble and tell him his baby girl was going to be a slayer."

I can imagine. Dad has always hated that some young girl had to give up her life in order to save the world. I know he's risked his own life to stop the slayers dying, I realise he must see some small part of mom in each one.

"Your Aunt Willow knows. She's the only one. She'll help you tell your dad. You know he's not going to allow you to slay, but I've left a letter for him too. I don't want you to slay either, but promise me sweetie, that you'll think of it as a hobby, not as a duty. There are two of you now. Two of you. If Faith's still alive, she'll help you. If not, well there's going to be a slayer older than you when you're called."

Aunt Faith. Uncle Xander told me about her. She was called about 2 years after mom, and after a bad start, mom and aunt Faith were friends, but Aunt Faith was incredibly jealous of mom, and she turned against her. They fought, to the death supposedly before mom's graduation, and Aunt Faith was left in a coma. She wasn't supposed to awake. But just before mom died, she did, and she had seen the error of her ways. I don't know the details, but she saw some major prophecy while she was unconcious and this brought her back. She was killed by a master vampire about 3 years ago. Luckily, she took him out with her. Aunt Faith, sometimes, lived with us, after she took a year out, to get in touch with herself. There are two slayers just now, one in a land far from her, Kyra, who comes from the same people as mom's original replacement, Kendra did. MY mom started the two slayers, by surviving, and Kristen, who's 19. I don't know Kyra too well, but Kristen is Maighan's best friend. Oh god, I'm gonna be called when one of them dies.

"Honey, I know how hard slaying can be. Don't blame yourself for people who do die, congratulate yourself for the ones who survive. Use your emotions. As I once said to Kendra 'my emotions are like, total assets'. A slayer needs the fire of anger. I hope you need never use this piece of advice, but someone once said to me,

"no friends, no family, no watcher. Whats left?" before hoping to deliver the final blow and kill me once and for all. I answered "me", and managed to win that fight. As I won them all. And you have to remember, you always have yourself. And me. I'll always be here for you.

I love you sweetie. Be careful. Watch your back.

All my love

Mom."

My mom was a warrior. I'm going to honour her memory.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (7/15) - Beating the Odds.

SPOILERS: nothing big. Becoming.

SUMMARY: Buffy tells Angel

Willow came round yesterday. It's been about a week since I saw them last. Not even that. I know she gave Melissa a letter from Buffy yesterday. I don't know what it was about. I thought it was strange, considering, there was no letters for Kieran and Maighan at the same age. I haven't opened it yet. I treasure the words she's written to me in other letters. The only occasion she missed was the first Christmas after she died, and thats because she thought she'd be there. She thought she'd still be alive.

I turn the envelope round in my eyes. My name's written on the front in her writing. I open the letter.

"Dear Angel,

I'm getting used to writing these letters now. This is one of the hardest though. You've gone out to pick Missy up from Xander's. Only Willow knows about what I'm writing now.

Angel. Melissa's a slayer. Or she will be, when she's about 17. I told Willow to give you this letter when she's about 16 and a half. It's killing me to realise this, but she's strong. She'll survive. You have to let her slay. If you stop her, she'll have to do what I did, sneaking out of windows. If you support her, she can have that normal life. There's always the second slayer. I hope its still Faith. Faith can handle herself.

Don't blame yourself for not knowing. I didn't want to tell you. I know how happy you were when we knew Maighan wouldn't be a slayer, because I felt it too. I cried when I found out about Missy. My daughter.

Help her. Train her. Make sure she's strong enough. You were probably wondering about the letter I gave her yesterday. It explained all to her. She's probably shocked, but not as shocked as I was, when I found out about my destiny.

Angel. I love you. Please don't cry too much. Move on, and don't close up. I want you to be happy. I need you to survive. Look after Melissa. Don't let anyone give her the slayer handbook, it'll kill her. Let her use her emotions. And help her have a normal life. I understand, if Giles is still alive, he'll be her Watcher, but he's going to be too old to train her. That responsibilty will fall to you, and Xander. I wish I could be there, maybe if I was, she'd never be called. But no more what ifs.

I won't let anything happen to my baby. You have to tell Maighan and Kieran about this. You have to be strong. Don't let life get you down too much. It's not how long you spend on this earth, its the moments, and the memories which count. I love you, eternally, and I want you to be happy. I know I am. I will be missing you. I'll see you again someday.

Always yours

Buffy"

How can I let my daughter go through everything Buffy did? There's nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all. Kendra died. Faith died. Buffy died. All the 8 slayers which have been alive since are dead.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (8/15) Rites of Passage

SPOILERS: hmm. none? Kendra and Faith, nothing specific.

SUMMARY: Melissa's calling

I turned 18 about 5 months ago, and I've still not been called. This is a good thing, cos I've finished high school. I turn my light out and as my head hits the pillow I'm sleeping.

"Missy?"

I turn round hearing someone calling my name. The voice is familiar but its not one I've heard in a long time. About 15 years to be exact.

"Mom?" There's a note of disbelief in my voice. That along with hope.

Slowly, my eyes focus on a shimmering form in front of me. It begins to take the shape of my mother.

"What, how..." my mouth begins to open and close, like a goldfish.

"You look like Willow, on mountain dew" She laughs, and its a beautiful sound. I run forward, and crush her in my embrace.

"hey, honey, I may be dead, but I'd like to keep my ribs"

It dawns on me that I feel stronger, different somehow. Then I realise what this is all about.

"One of the slayer's has died, hasn't she?" Oh, no. I don't want this. I mean, I don't mind being the slayer, but oh god, one of them is dead.

"Kyra's gone" The pretty jamaican slayer who I met three or four times. I can't believe she's dead.

"It's your time honey. You know it. You're strong."

"Mom. I can't."

"Melissa. You can do dis. You are stronger dan all de slayers before you. Even ya mother." The first Jamaican slayer, Kendra? tells me.

"Ya sweetie. It is true. Screw them all. Don't let 'em get inside ya defenses. That's how they catch ya out" I hear another familiar voice, and see Aunt Faith. "Ya know it Sweetie."

"Missy?" I hear Kyra's voice. I smile through tears for her. I always liked her, even if I didn't know her all that well. "Missy, you have power. Lots of it. Use it well. I'm happy, and i got da vamp dat killed me."

"You know it." Mom again. I'm practically sobbing now. I want her so much, and I can never have her properly. My mommy.

"You can. I'm always here for you. In your heart, and if you ever need me really badly, you know that you can contact me in your dreams. Only you though. Don't tell anyone else about this. Because, it would kill your father, to have me so close, and yet so far."

I know this. My father loves my mother still, so much, that he wont even look at another woman. It's why I've never mentioned the dreams I had til I was five, of talking to my mother everyday. People think it took me a long time to realise she was gone, hell, i even got sent to therapy as a small child, but the reality was I did still see her. Every night without fail.

The sun's streaming through the window when my father wakes me.

"Melissa?"

"mhmm. Dad?"

Suddenly, memories of last nights...dream?...vision?...come flooding back to me.

"Missy." He looks at me, and I can almost see his heart breaking at the prospect of telling me I'm the Slayer now.

"Kyra died late last night. A vampire shot her. It's horrible. The police in Jamaica have called it a "self inflicted gunshot wound to the face...you're...".

"I'm the Slayer." I finish the sentence off for him. I can tell from his face, that my calm acceptance of my destiny bewilders him. I remind him that I've had 2 years to accept my fate, and that being a slayer never stopped mom having a normal life. He smiles at this, and gives me a hug, telling me breakfast will be ready in a few minutes.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (9/15)) Dear Mom

SPOILERS: nothing much. in fact nothing at all.

SUMMARY: The title explains it all.

Dear Mom,

This feels weird. Very strange in fact. But you've written me letters for almost every occasion in my life, and I want to talk to you so much, that I think this is the way to go.

I think, that you must feel like we never got to know you, and I'm angry that my mom got snatched away so early. I do remember you though. I always will. I remember how you smelled, and how you hugged, and I remember playing with your pretty blonde hair. I remember you wearing a hat, and I remember wondering why you covered your head. Now I realise, its because that pretty hair was there no longer.

I'm getting married today Mom. Her name is Cara, and she knows about everything. Vampires, slayers, demons. Grampa Giles says I've inherited your ignorance of the words "secret identity". There's like a whole community who know about Slayers now. Melissa's great. She's managed, like you, to finish college and slay simultaneously. She's a PE teacher at Sunnydale High.

Anyway, back to Cara. She's a year younger than me, and looks vaguely like Aunt Cordy did when she was younger, except with blonde hair. I hope you'd like her, i think you would. Dad does. She's pretty good friends with Missy, and Maighan too.

I miss you mom. I wish you could be here for my wedding. But I have found someone who I love dearly.

I love you

Kieran

------------------

wow. Kieran's getting married. I wish you could be here, but I know in a sense you are. You'd love Cara, she's really like Willow was as a teenager. Shy, and senstive, with a quiet courage.

I can imagine you here, easily. When I think back to before Kieran was born, it seems like yesterday...

Early May, 2001

You're leaning on my chest, and I'm caressing your huge stomach.

"Buffy?"

"hmm?" You are almost sleeping.

"What are we going to call the baby?"

Suddenly you're alert, and sitting up. You turn round to face me.

"I'm not sure, but we'd better decide soon. Do you still like Kyran for a boy?"

"It's nice...I kinda prefer Kieran though."

"It's unusual. Pefect though.

We had decided to use Irish names for our baby. We called our eldest Maighan because my youngest sister was called Maighan. She's the only one that survived the massacre I inflicted when I was turned. Buffy didn't know my reasons. Kieran comes from my childhood best friend.

2028

Buffy, you've been gone for 20 years. What can I say? I'm not bein pessimistic, but it's coming to my time. I know I'm relatively young in mortal terms, physically, but I'm losing the will to live. All the kids are grown up now. Mel's a slayer, strong, independent. She's seeing a guy, and he knows about her calling. He loves her, I can see it in his eyes. He's a martial arts expert, so they train together.

Maighan's been married for 3 years already. She's independent too.

And Kieran's getting married today. Buffy, its my time. I'll see you soon. But only after I see my baby, Missy, married.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (10/15) Visions

AUTHOR: Suja suja@globalnet.co.uk

SUMMARY: Angel's giving up.

I was reading one of her letters when I saw her. She was just as beautiful as she was before the cancer.

"Angel" As the familiar voice hits my ears, my eyes fill up with tears. Why her? Why did they take her away from me? She was so good, and kind. She was my light. It's a struggle to manage without her, a struggle I don't think I have the energy for anymore.

"Angel, honey, don't cry" I reach out, and she hugs me. Her embrace is the final straw, and the barriers break. The tears are pouring from my eyes.

"Buffy? It's really you? This can't be real"

"It is...kinda. At least, you'll remember me."

"I could never forget."

"Angel. Don't give up. They need you."

"I need you. That never mattered"

"You have me. Here." She places an ethereal hand over my heart. "You'll always have me her. I had forgotten how her voice, and her logic could settle me, calm me down.

"Who needs me?" I realise what she's told me.

"Maighan, Melissa, Kieran. They're all grown up, I know, but that doesn't mean they don't need you. You're their father. How could they not need you?" She looks at me with those beautiful hazel eyes, and i can see the love shining in them. My stomach churns at the thought of what I've lost. What has been stolen from me.

"Your time is coming, you were right about that, but you have to go down fighting. Don't let death take you peacefully. Fight it. Remember Angel? Remember? 'Strong is fighting. It's hard and painful, and everyday, and its what we have to do." You fought then..."

"I had you then" My voice is raw, and wobbling.

"you have me now" the words are strangely calm, but the voice is full of emotion. She's holding tears back too.

"I have to go Angel. I can't stay any longer. Remember me"

"I will remember you. I'll never forget"

"Never forget, but move forward. Look forward."

Then she's gone. Like she was never there. Except, I can still feel her small arms round my neck. It's strange, a man, who was responsible for wreaking havoc for a hundred years, could be broken by the death of his lover. I look at the letter I was reading. I know it word for word of by heart. It's the letter she wrote me first. The one I got when she died.

"My Angel.

You always were, you know. My Angel, I mean. From when I first met you. I know, since you're reading this, that I'm dead. I had hoped you'll never read this but thats a mute point since obviously if anyone's reading it I'm dead. Ok, I'm babbling, I know. But this is hard for me to accept. I'm dying. You refuse to accept it, you search for a cure. You have to accept it. I love you, and I love my children, but its time to go. I'll go kicking and screaming, and I'll be watching you always. I want you to find someone. Even if you can't at first, you have to move on. My children need a mother, as well as a father. I know you can do both, but you need someone to share it with..."

She was so sure I'd be able to find someone. That I'd even want to find someone. I didn't want to. Didn't even try. I know, that I can never love another woman half as much as I love Buffy.

"Never think I'd blame you if you moved on. I want you to. Even if the thought of you with another woman, is, painful to say the least, I want you to give it a chance.

I love you, Angel O'Connor, and I've never regretted loving you. NEVER. And, l was right, wasn't I? about us. How loving you would never kill me. Funny though, that it isn't something slaying related, but cancer."

I'm glad she thinks that. That it isn't slaying related. It is, and in the most horrible way. Because she was a slayer, the physical symptoms of the early stages of cancer went unnoticed. Until it was too late, and there was nothing we could do to save her. The doctor, one of Giles's actual friends in the Council, told me after she died. I make Melissa go for medicals every month, without doubt, just in case.

"I love you, forever. And always. I'll never forget you."

Buffy Anne O'Connor.

I used to be thrilled everytime I saw her name signed like that. Even after 7 years of marriage I was amazed that she was my wife.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (11/15) Journals

SPOILERS: Surprise, Becomings

SUMMARY: Journal

There's a big battle ahead. Being the Slayer, I should be used to that already. But this isn't a battle against demons. Aunt Willow's told me, that this is more a personal battle. She says that the Nightmares are coming. The Nightmares are a particularly horrific kind of demon...one which can delve into your subconcious and pull out memories of things which have caused major pain in your life. And it means I gotta be strong, and fight against everything they throw at me, because if they break me, then they've got easy access to everyone else. I remember Mom's journal saying something about that. She gave me her journals, not her diaries, but the journal's about slaying activities. The entries are really personalised though, although she talked of it as a job, slaying became her life. I was 18 when I was called, but my poor mom was only 15. She had to grow up so fast. I miss her. I wish she was here to tell me what to do. I've had enough thinking about slaying now, I'm gonna read one of the journals, I've only read up to her dream about Drusilla trying to slay Angel. There's a journal missing between January 1998, and August 1998. I can't picture my dad as being the man/vampire that Mom's written about. My dad isn't the same person, probably cos he's not a vampire anymore. So I call Dad, Angel, when I'm reading her journal because it doesn't make sense to me otherwise.

"August, 1998.

I don't know what to write. Zombies. Gone now. I'm not at school. Not allowed in. Kendra's dead. Spike and Dru have left town, true to his word. Angel's dead. He's gone. Forever."

The next few lines are too blurred with tears to read.

I knew, that for a time, Angel lost his soul, and had become, an enemy of sorts to Mom. What I don't know, is exactly what went on in those months and why Mom would think he was dead? There's been a bunch of pages ripped out here again. I guess she never wants me to know about that. Fair enough, I wouldn't really want to know what went on when Dad was bad. I could find out easily enough in the Watcher Diaries, if the need took me, but I don't want to know. I turn the page, and there's a small note folded inside, addressed to me.

"Dear Missy,

Well, I guess you realise there are pages missing from this journal...There's reason's behind that. Reasons which I don't think you want to know. Reason's which I don't want you to know, and not because they're big secrets, just because they are terrifying. And they caused me a lot of pain, and I couldn't face you ever going through the same thing. But know this. They were horrifying times, and I don't think life could possibly get much worse than it did. I know you don't need to read them, because they'll twist your mind, make you bitter and cynical towards love, and thats not something you need at (18?, 19?...I don't know how old you'll be when you're called). I survived. And I know, god forbid, that if something as bad as that happened to you, you'd survive too. You're a fighter Missy, and don't I know it! When I was pregnant with you, in the last few months, you kicked me so much, I was pretty much lying down all the time! I love you honey,

Mom"

I'm in tears again. Damn, I hate that I can't treasure her words so much, because the words don't cause me pain, but the fact that the only way I can hear my mother is through her words, does.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (12/15)

SPOILERS: Surprise, Becomings

SUMMARY: Another Letter.

I'm not jealous of Missy. I do resent the fact that she knows Mom better than any of us, because she gets to read her Slaying journals, but then, Melissa does have the responsibility of being the Slayer.

I was at home today, I went with Josh to announce our engagement to the family. And as I left, I got what I suspected Dad would give me. A letter from Mom. It's at times like this where I wish I could speak to her, and I miss her so much. Why did they have to take my Mom away? My Dad gave me the keys to the mansion, and told me that me and Josh could live there, if we wanted, since it was in pretty good condition, and its been abandoned pretty much, since before Mom and Dad were married. Dad said they didn't live there because it held some painful memories. Josh dropped me off, and said he would come round for me in a couple of hours. He knows that I need this time alone, to read mom's letter. I let myself in, and this place is huge. And furnished. And its clean. There's a note on the black leather settee.

"Maighan.

Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Oz and I cleared this place up about 2 weeks ago, since Willow said certain people were getting to a marriable age. I guess she can read into things better than I, and I've had years of practice! Anyway, its up to you whether you live here or not.

Love

Dad."

Aunt Willow. Perceptive, to say the least! And here was me thinking that we had been discreet about our engagement before telling the family. I take a good look around the mansion. It's beautiful. Everything is perfect condition. I walk into the master bedroom. It's so romantic. Even the bed has been made. I take a closer look at it, and realise it has red silk sheets on it. It reminds of my parents bed when we were all little. When mom was alive. That thought brings me out of me reverie, and I settle down to read the letter she's left me. The envelope is addressed, in a bolder script this time.

"Maighan Willow O'Connor, on the occasion of your engagement"

I pull the letter out of its envelope and read it slowly.

Dearest Maighan

The envelope this letter is in is formal. I just wanted to have some small part in your wedding. You know I'll be there. You really are all grown up now. Getting married. I hope you've found someone who loves you truly. Remember the claddagh?"

How could I forget? I never took that necklace off my neck. I fiddle with it as I'm reading the letter.

"The hands are for friendship, the crown for loyalty and the heart is for, well, you know. Love. Love really does conquer all. Look at your father and me. I know, if you are getting married, you'll have found someone with whom all those are abundant."

Yeah. Josh. I know you'd like him Mom. Aunt Willow thinks he's brilliant. Aunt Cordy swears if she was 20 years younger she'd go for it herself! And Uncle Xander and Dad gave Josh the biggest scare of his life when they grilled him on everything. It was like 20 questions!

"I wish I could be there to go dress shopping with you. I wish I could be there to help you through those last minute nerves, and help organise your wedding. I will be there in spirit."

I wish you could be there too mom. Aunt Cordy and Aunt Willow promised to help me out, along with of course, Kristen, and Melissa.

"All the best. You know I love you."

The letter is smudged with tears here. Both fresh ones from me today, and 16 year old ones from Mom as she wrote this.

"Mom".

TITLE: Love of a Mother (13/15) Scrapbook of Memories

SPOILERS: Angel

SUMMARY: Letter to Kieran

Dear Kieran,

My baby boy. It's funny to be writing letters to you, instead of just talking. I feel like I should be passing on some mature, responsible adult advice, since you've now become an adult. Happy 21st Birthday, by the way! Yeah, I don't know that I can give you adult advice, since I don't feel like an adult. At 26, you'd think I could be a little more eloquent. I've been the Slayer, for what 10 years. That's gotta be a record, and you'd think, wouldn't you that some of Giles' serious and proper use of English would have rubbed off on me! I'm only 5 years older than you are now though.

Look at me, I'm babbling. It's always been a habit of mine, when I'm nervous. Ask your dad. About the first time he was in my room, and I thought he'd read my diary.

Okay. I'm thinking of Xander at 18, to try and visualise you. I imagine his sense of humour has rubbed off on you too! Bad jokes and all.

I've written "girly"letters to your sisters, but Kieran, I hope you know I love you just as much. I feel that you may not realise, because, Missy has my Slayer journals, and Maighan can remember more of me than any of you three. It hurts a lot that you guys might not even really know me. It hurts me more, that I don't know you all yet. I want to see you grown up. Like I guess you are now.

I do, however, have a little present for you. It's nothing much, but I want you to have it. I imagine your dad has gotten you a big present from the two of us, even though I'm gone. My scrapbook. It's got all my favourite memories and pictures in it. Completely unedited. Ask Xander. He's got it. Said he would finish it for me, with pictures of all of you guys on special occasions.

Love you always.

Mom.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (14/15) Weddings

SPOILERS: none

SUMMARY: Weddings

Changes

Change. It happens to us all. We're constantly changing, evolving. Becoming different people. But as we change, so remain some things as constant. Love. When someone changes, it doesn't necessarily mean you stop loving them...right? I mean, my Mom loved my dad, even when he was evil. She just couldn't stop.

I hope I do love Steve as much as that. What if I don't? What if I only think I do? What if this all goes wrong? Slayers aren't supposed to get married.

Okay, Melissa. Calm down, I tell myself. It's called pre wedding nerves. You know about this. Maighan told you. So did Mom, in a letter, and in her Slaying journal.

**2000*

We're having a small wedding, in, of all places, the library. There's a lot of reasons for this. It has clean sewer access, therefore the groom and one of the best men can get there without fitting into ashtrays. It feels more like home than home. It's the safest place in Sunnydale so far as I feel. And you know, we couldn't leave the hellmouth out of this wedding!!

Not long til Angel gets humanised...about 4 months. I can feel this bump. Mom swears you can't see it under my dress, I'm not sure though. I like being able to see the bump, tiny as it is just now.

I love Angel. I couldn't live without him...right? It'll work...right? being married...to a vampire? He wont be a vampire once the baby's born...ah, hell, I'm making myself more nervous. Anyway, the reason I'm writing about this in my Slaying journal is that the wedding is being held during the day, inside, so that no vamps can unexpectedly drop in, because of the sunlight and the invitation thingy.

******

Talking to myself isn't working. I'm only getting more nervous. 30 minutes to go...a rush of bridesmaids enter the room. Maighan, Cara, Kristen, Sarah, Eliza and Karen. Sarah and Eliza are kinda honorary cousins, they're Uncle Xander and Aunt Cordy's, and Aunt Willow and Uncle Oz's kids respectively. They're both younger than me, but we get on really well. Kinda my own Scooby Gang. As well as Kristen being the other Slayer, and Cara is my sister in law. Kieran's wife.

"Melissa...ready?"

I take a deep breath and answer.

"Yeah. I'm ready"

They rush at me, with good luck, and sorting my hair, putting final touches on. Eventually they all step back, and I take a good look at myself. Not too bad. I'm pretty tall, 5'8", and slim, so this dress looks good. I don't look as lanky as normal. I look at all my bridesmaids, we're like liquorice all-sorts. Maighan is tiny, about 5'3", with a curvy frame, she's slim, but has curves which I'm incredibly jealous of. Cara is about my height, and thin. She's like a waife. I've got muscle. Even though all three of us are blone, Maighan's is honey coloured, straight and long, mine is about shoulder length and curly, and Cara's is white blonde and short. Eliza is a red head, and has the same frame as her mother, and Sarah is as dark as can be. She has really thick almost black hair, and dark eyes. She and Kieran could be brother and sister, as far as tall, dark, and handsome go. Kristen is Italian, and has the colouring, and willowy frame to go with it. I suddenly get a last minute attack of jealous nerves that all my bridesmaids are gorgeous, and what if they look better than me? I brush that thought aside when my father comes into the room.

"Honey...you look amazing..." I blush at his compliments. Even although he is now human, he doesn't look his age. I mean, his human age. If he looked his real age, which is about 270-ish, well, most people that old, aren't even skeletons anymore. He looks in his early 40's...and is still pretty good looking. He's actually 52 now. He counts his age, from the day he died in Ireland, plus Maighan's age. His birthday is in June too, the day after hers.

"Ready?" His voice, softer than normal, betrays him. I look up, and he's got tears in his eyes.

"I love you Dad." I feel my eyes tearing up. "Now lets get a move on, and get me down this aisle before my make-up is ruined."

"I love you too honey." And with that we walk out. The music has started. As I walk up the aisle, I whisper, "I love you Mom", and I swear I heard "I love you too sweetie". We reach the front, and I look at the man I love, and all my nerves fall away.

TITLE: Love of a Mother (15/15) Reunion

SPOILERS: Welcome to the Hellmouth, Bad Eggs, Surprise, and What's my Line 1 - just for lines, and tiny little pieces

SUMMARY: Angel muses as he patrols

Reunion

I feel...empty. Happy, yes. Empty too. Our house is too. It's kind of symbolic. Empty nest syndrome. I think this is supposed to be your part Buffy, to feel like that. I'm supposed to be happy, because now, after all these years, I should be able to be a naughty man with you. But our chance for that was stolen. 20 years ago. Melissa's wedding...2 months ago. We're back into our ordinary lives. I miss you now. The house is empty, and this is the first time I've lived alone, since before we got married. I said to Missy, and Kristen, that I'd patrol tonight. I've got some old haunts to visit, and I still have that vampiric strength.

I put my long coat on...yeah, I still have a penchant for those jackets, they help me blend into the shadows. Guess I'm too old for the leather fetish these days.

My first stop is the Bronze. I'd never go in, for too many reasons. I'd look too out of place, and I know they've changed how it looks insided. I like remembering it. I walk past the alley where we first met. That lamp-post is still there...the one you knocked me flat in! I smile at the memory. I keep walking and I see the cemetary where we were kissing that day when those texan brothers were getting an eyeful. I pass the man-hole we escaped from, before we made love the first time. It's raining, about as heavily as it was that night. I arrive at where I want to be. Where your grave is. It's a simple stone, you wanted it that way, remember? So that nothing could get damaged in a fight. I look down, and there's a rose on it. A red one. I read the note attached.

"Buffy. I used to say I'd bring Dru here, and dance on your grave, but that all changed when I met you. You were a bloody brilliant girl, and an amazing slayer. Funny that one of the things which is supposed to bring me the greatest pleasure is only giving me horrible pain...worse than the worst hangover!...still, even after 20 years. Hope you're happy. Spike."

She managed to do that to everyone who knew her. You couldn't hate her. She was always too nice. Even someone who was her arch nemesis, Spike, liked her. Hell, I don't know what I'm saying, *I* was her arch nemesis for a while. I hate to think about that time. While I'm sitting on her grave, I'm deeply lost in my own thoughts, and don't realise the ruckus behind me. It's only when someone grabs around my neck and presses a stake to my back I realise whats going on. There's about 30 of them.

"Angelus. Look at you. You're a man now. A pathetic weak little man"

I answer the speaker with a headbut. But it's useless. They catch me again. I wonder why they aren't killing me straight off. I realise that I wouldn't be a tasty meal, considering I've still got vampire traits, like my blood tasting vile.

"Where's the slayer?" or you know, it could be about that.

"I'll never say."

"I said again, _Where's_ the slayer?" He's talking through his fangs again. I struggle around, suddenly realising who this vampire is.

"Not talking to old friends are we Angelus? You know you remember me" And the scary thing is, I do. He's Andrew. He was, and it kills me, literally to remember this, a protege of Darla and me. He was, to all causes and effects, our son. He possessed the same cruel traits as I did in my evil days. I had thought him dead.

"Andrew."

"Glad you remember me. So, I feel like a new companion, and now that youre, well, HUMAN, and Darla's dead, and Spike's been pussy-whipped by that army crew, and Drusilla's too insane to contemplate, I figure, the Slayer is next on my list. She's your daughter, isn't she Angelus. It's fitting you know, since you're my father figure and all."

Oh, god, Melissa. She's been lucky so far, as not to come across former companions of mine. They don't know exactly how evil I was. And Andrew was worse than me. He liked torture even more than I had. I knew what I had to do. I flipped the stakes out, from their wrist holster inside me jacket sleeve, headbutted the vampire holding me, and lunged for Andrew. Luckily for me, he didn't see my stake and laughed. I pushed the stake through, and I saw the shock in his face. Unfortunately for me, I missed the vampire behind me. He had managed to grab another stake in the process, and I suddenly felt it enter my back. The most intense pain I've ever experienced followed. A stake may be a vampire killing method, but apparently it works just as well on humans. I slump to the ground, beside Buffy's headstone. I can feel blood in my mouth and with my own blood, I scawl "Andrew - dead, lackeys alive." The effort is horrendous. As I close my eyes for the final time, dying again after 250 years, I see a shadowy form. As it grows closer, I realise its my beloved Buffy. I run towards her, and embrace her.

"Buffy."

"Angel"

There's no words for this moment. I hug her tightly, clutching her like there's no tomorrow. We kiss, and just before, I catch my reflection in her shining eyes. I look like I did on the day Maighan was born.

"You were right Buffy. I had to go out fighting, or Andrew would have gotten Melissa."

"I know. It's why I came, that night, remember?"

And as I hold my lost love to me, its the first time I've experienced true happiness in years.