Title: Seeking Comfort

Author: Suja suja@globalnet.co.uk

Spoilers: Surprise/Innocence, Amends, Lover's Walk, Graduation Day 1 + 2, and Bad Girls. Nothing huge, but subtle references through out the first three seasons.

Author's Note: hmm. I like Canon Pairings. I don't like Joss's little plan of splitting Cordy/Xander up, so we'll just ignore that. And we'll ignore Wesley and the whole Helpless deal. Just imagine that, Cordy and Xander are still together, as are Willow/Oz, and Angel has left. For LA.

Distribution: Yes Please. If you want it. Please please, but tell me where its going because I am really sad and I want to visit it!

Dedication: To Lorelle, because i wouldn't have gotten hooked on Buffy without you, And to Omega for posting her answer to the challenge and reminding me that I had one written waiting to send!

Author's note 2: This is the longest - excepting my series with Omega - that I've ever written!!

I wake up, and feel strong arms around me. Strong cold arms, and I smile. We've been given a second chance. And this time, it doesn't look as though he's unsouled. I mean, considering he's still here and all.

I begin to wake up, and I can smell the alcohol. From both me, and him. Angel doesn't drink. In case he loses control of the demon. Then, I realise why that smell is quite so familiar to me. I turn round, and as i had begun to suspect, the man (vampire?) in my bed wasn't my beloved Angel. Instead of Angel's dark spiky hair, there was bleach blonde hair. Spike. I look around the floor, and see the scattered clothes. Leather duster, faded tight black jeans. It feels strange. I run through last nights events in my head.

***

Willow, Oz, Cordelia and Xander were at the Bronze with me. I wouldn't have gone, but it was like, the annual Christmas party. I was kinda a fifth wheel, and was feeling SO awkward that I decided to go in search of someone I knew. I walked across to the bar and marvelled at the tacky decorations the Bronze managers had managed to put up. "Overdone" sprang to mind. I sit at the bar, and order a coke. Changing my mind at the last moment, i decide on vodka and coke. Thankfully, I don't get ID'd. I get a strange thrill at the excitement of being a BAD girl. It gives me a rush, but I guess i already knew that. It was something Faith saw in me that no-one else noticed. I make my mind up to get wrecked tonight. I mean, I have plenty reason to. Oh God, Angel. I miss you so much. Why did you have to leave me? Why do you always think of the future? Why not live in the present? I mean, its more likely that I don't even HAVE a future, and I'm going to die before I even get to college.

"Slayer?" I know that voice. Downing my drink I swing round.

"Spike? I thought you left."

"Slayer..." I cut him off.

"Buffy. Is. My. Name.!"

"Ok, Buffy. What are you doing?"

"Well, what does it look like bleach boy?"

"It looks like you're trying to drown out the fact that my great poof of a sire has split town"

"You've answered you're own question then. Leave me alone."

"Slayer, sorry, Buffy. Love's like that. I should know. What with Dru and all. She didn't even want me back." I look up shocked at Spike's admission.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"Care to join me on my drinking binge?"

"Definitely".

We keep the drink coming, exchanging a few words here and there. I violently dislike this man, as I've stated so many times. But part of me thinks him as, not a friend, but someone who can read me so well. And I can read him too.

After a lot of rounds, I can feel it going to my head. I try to stand up and stumble, almost falling. I trip, and fall into a pair of strong arms. Strong cold arms.

"Hey...hey" his voice is soft, like he cares. But he doesn't. No-one does anymore. I feel my eyes filling with tears.

"Don't cry." I wonder why he's being so nice to me. I lean my head on his shoulder, and he puts his arms round me.

We walk/stumble out onto the dance floor, two lost souls, each missing someone we love, clinging to each other like if we let go, we'd lose our last remaining wits. Our last feelings. I was so numb, and now it hurts. Like I told Willow, I can't breathe.

It's K's Choice. I love this song, Virgin State of Mind, it's great comfort music.

"There's a chair in my head

Where I used to sit

Took a pencil and I wrote

the following on it

now there's a key

where my

wonderful mouth used to be"

I was different I guess, when I met Angel. I was young, and naive, and I wanted to be in love. Forget I was the slayer, forget that I had been kicked out of school, that my parents had divorced, that I had lost all my friends. I lean closer to Spike, and let the music wash over me. He looks drunk, but not so drunk that he can't walk.

dig it up

throw it at me

dig it up

throw it at me

where can i run to

where can i hide

who will i turn to

now I'm in

a virgin state of mind

There's nothing I can do to bring Angel back. And part of me accepts that. A small rational part of me realises that we had an intoxicating love, one where I could just live in his arms forever, and forget all the rest of my life. I guess he saw it coming quicker than I did. We could live forever like that but real relationships depend on acknowledging the future, and the rest of your life. He was smarter than me, but I know he loves me. We were stuck in a rut. We would always be that frustrated, and I have to let him go, the same as he must me, before we end up hating each other. But only this tiny rational part of me realises this, and the rest of me feels like someone's thrown a knife in my stomach.

Got a life to disengafge

a void that i can't bare

cut out words

i've got written on my chair

like, do you think I'm sexy

do you think I really care

Can I burn the mazes that I grow?

Can I?

I don't think so.

Can I burn the mazes I grow?

Can I? I don't think so.

Where will I run to?

Where will I hide

Who can I turn to?

Now I'm in a virgin state of mine

virgin state of mind."

I've learned to enjoy the moments in life. The memories and the moments. And it might just be the drink, but it feels pretty darn nice to be in Spike's arms. I've always denied it, but a small part of me is aroused by the bad-ass vampire act. I mean, when Angel was one, that just made me, I dunno, so depressed. Except for, like Faith said, I still "dug him when he was bad". I'm sick. So sick. That night when Spike and I walked to my house, I can't deny that he does turn me on.

He moves his hands gently up and down my back, in a soothing motion. We kiss, gently at first, then with a fiery passion. It's different to Angel, but then this isn't love. This is two people who are desperately trying to stay alive, and not be sucked into depression. We're not kissing, we're just seeking comfort in one and another. With tongues. And groping. Yup, definitely groping. I kiss him, and then take his hand. He leads me back to the apartment where he's staying. We get inside and begin to kiss. Standing by the bed, he looks into my eyes, and I silently give him the go ahead signal.

"Are you sure?"

Unable to speak, I just nod my head. He removes my vest top, and I remove the tight black t-shirt he's wearing. What a body! Wow. I run my hands down tight muscles, and then fumble at the button on his jeans.

He startles slightly.

"What?" I ask, a little worried at the answer. Then, looking at his boxers, I realise why. Danger mouse. I laugh.

The night unfolds. He's good. I enjoy it, and it dawns on me that I've slept with two men, and both of them were vampires. Experienced I guess, they'd have to be, with over 100 years of having sex. We're lying next to each other, and he's stroking my hair, and a sudden thought occurs to me. Angel is Spike's sire, and from what I know of the turning process it's supposedly very erotic. And the two vampires are often close. I ask Spike.

"Did you ever, i mean, did you and Angel..." he cuts me off with his answer.

"Yes. He was my sire. We were together for a few years after he turned me, but we were never faithful. Just whenever either of us was alone, and horny. Does it bother you?"

"Kinda. but not cos of why you'd think. It bothers me, because it turns me on."

I'm tired now, and surprised at myself. I snuggle into Spike's arms, and drift off to sleep.

***

Oh my god. I realise with a halt, stopping my wandering mind. I told Spike that him and Angel together turn me on. Oh God, i mean they're both very atrractive men. Oh God, how embarrassing. I let my self go back to sleep, forgetting. Forgetting who's lying next to me, and pretending its another man. I put my arms round his waist. He murmurs a name. "princess". He's talking about Drusilla, and I'm glad. Glad because I don't have to feel guilty for using him. Because he's using me too. For comfort. We need this. To struggle through, and make it through life without our respective ex-es.

-------The End-------

I chose from the challenge
Spike - Bad guy or one of the gang, I don't mind (this is in every challenge)
Christmas celebrations - decorating etc.
Someone getting drunk
Something embarrassing been told

Choose the three or more of the following things -

Someone waking up with someone unexpected (works well with the someone getting drunk requirement)

The lyrics to K's choice - Virgin state of mind (if you want the lyrics ask me)
Danger Mouse boxer shorts *g*