TITLE: Wrong without You

AUTHOR: Suja suja@globalnet.co.uk

FEEDBACK: please. even if its just to say SHUT UP

DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc, own Buffy, Angel, Xander and Giles. Without You, is Mariah Carey.

SUMMARY: Buffy's dreams, after Graduation Day II. It is kinda following on from Living Without You, but you don't have to have read that for this to make sense.

She'd fallen asleep, after spending hours talking to Xander, and deep down, a part of her knew she was asleep. She didn't want to wake up though. She looked down, and she was wearing her dress from the Prom, except this time, her hair was swept up the way she intended it to be, before Angel had left her. She was talking to Giles, when Xander came up, and took her hand. He danced across the dance floor, until she noticed his gaze watching someone in the shadows. It seemed to her as if he had a specific destination in mind, a specific reason for almost pushing her into the shadows. It was only when she got real close, that she realised exactly what he was pushing her toward. Angel.

Suddenly the music changed, and so did the scene. This time, it was Angel and her, in his mansion. She was wearing what she'd wore to Graduation, and he was wearing that outfit she loved on him, the soft gray shirt and black trousers. He reached over to the CD player, and switched it on. The room was filled with music, and he just gazed at her lovingly, and reached his hand out for her.

And as he pulls me into his arms, we're standing in the wreckage that was Sunnydale High School. And we're having that goodbye that I need, I don't want it, but if he has to leave me...

"No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes"

I speak the words of the song to you, and you just stand there, chocolat brown eyes, shiny with tears.

"You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows"

I've never seen, pure, unadulterated joy come from you. Apart from that one night, on my seventeenth birthday. Every other time I've seen you smile, you've just smiled on the surface, when inside, you feel remorse, and guilt.

"No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go"

And, again, I know I'm dreaming, but this feels so real, it feels so true. I'm telling you what I need to say, and I feel my pain lessening. I still hurt, so much. And I can't believe how bad this is going to feel tomorrow. Or the next day, or the next day. Because at least today, I saw you. I held you. But never again.

"And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know"

I need to say this. I need you to know that I need you.

I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore

I can exist, but I'll never leave. I've never felt so alive, felt so loved, just FELT so much than I have with you, my Angel. I feel like you unlocked a door in me, that lets me just feel, and now that you've left, you've locked the door and thrown the key, and I'll never feel so much as I feel now.

The song ends, and you kiss me. We kiss and kiss, until I realise you don't feel so real anymore. And suddenly you're gone. And I'm awake, on a couch, in a house, with Xander lying on the floor, dozing. And you're not here, and it just feels so WRONG.