TITLE: Living without you (1/1)

AUTHOR: Suja suja@globalnet.co.uk

SPOILERS: Grad II, and I guess, B/A eps.

SUMMARY: Buffy and Xander talk. B/X friendship, implications of B/A

DISCLAIMER: I like Xander. I'm glad Joss omitted to mention his mistake in Becoming. I think B/X are great friends. So, anyway, to my point, I don't own them, they beling to Joss Whedon, who has currently gone nuts and forgot about Angel on Buffy. Without You belongs to Mariah Carey.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: hmm. that sums it up I guess.

As the five of them stood, as Oz made them take a moment, nothing was on Buffy's mind. Nothing except the way Angel had left, dissapearing into the smoke. She couldn't believe she'd just let him walk away, walk out of her life. Her mind was replaying the three years they'd had together, every moment ingrained into her mind. From the moment she'd met him in that alley behind the Bronze, to his leaving her almost half an hour ago. Cordelia was the first to seperate from the group, with Willow and Oz leaving for his van.

Xander and Buffy walked together, in that comfortable silence that only two good friends can share. Suddenly she turned to him, and couldn't hold back the tears anymore. The sobs erupted from her, like lava from a volcano, and she raised her hands to her face, attempting to wipe the tears from her eyes, unsuccessfully. He just opened his arms, and she cried. They arrived at her house, and he opened the door for her, made her sit down on the couch, made her hot chocolate, and phoned her mom in Oregon, telling her that Buffy was okay, and had made it through the fight, and she was currently sleeping. He then walked through to the living room, where Buffy sat, curled on the sofa, numb, unable to cry anymore.

"Okay. Buffy. You wanna talk about it?" He hoped she would take him up, knowing that she desperately needed to talk about Angel.

She nodded her head softly, looking down at the ground.

They talked for hours, right into the early hours of the morning, about everything, Angel included. Buffy's voice came alive when she mentioned Angel, and even Xander, hating Angel as he did, could see how much they needed each other. It was then that his opinion of the soulful vampire changed drastically, when he saw that the Slayer, and her vampire were meant to be.

Buffy walked across to the CD player, and searched for a particular CD, and finding it, she and Xander listened to it. Most of the songs were slow, love songs, and as track seven of the old Mariah Carey CD came on, Buffy just looked at Xander, and he could almost see how much she identified with the song. They just listened to it together, and as it reached its end, he could see Buffy falling asleep. He covered her up with an afghan, and reached for the telephone, knowing that this might not be the best option, but he couldn't help himself. He knew how wrong it was for Buffy to be apart from Angel, and maybe this wouldn't bring him back for her, but he was sure that the souled vampire had convinced himself that he was doing what was right for Buffy. Xander spoke quietly to the DJ, and asked him to play a song. He then sat back, and hoped that Angel wasn't too guilt-ridden, and oblivious to not come home now.

Angel drove, the road between Sunnydale to LA was straight and narrow, and it lead from the light of Sunnydale to the black highway, and he'd never realised til now how vital Buffy was to his existence. He'd never had to live, knowing he wouldn't hold her again, never kiss her, never see her hazel eyes looking up at him with only love. He had a sudden urge to switch radio stations, and changed to one he knew Buffy, Xander and Willow all loved to listen to, when they were feeling down and out. About a half hour later, the DJ softly dedicated a song.

This is from the sunshine, to a man eternally cloaked in darkness. She needs you. She needs to see you. She just identifies with this way too much. She'll die without you.

No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know

I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore

Well I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows

I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give any more
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore

Angel pulled over to the side of the road, his eyes filling with tears. He knew that she felt like that now, but what about in 10, 20 years when he couldn't give her all she needed, and she turned away from him. It never even crossed his mind that Buffy, being the Slayer, probably wouldn't see 24. He wiped the tears from his face, and resolved not to look back. He had to let her go, and hope that Willow, Giles, or Xander, whoever had sent the message for her, could support her. He had a feeling it had been Xander who'd sent it, because of the anger hidden behind the words. He could see why the boy would be mad, Angel had had the love of the woman Xander had loved as a friend, and as a girl, for years, and he'd walked away from it. He had to though. He couldn't live without her either, but he could exist. And exist he would do.