TITLE: Letting her go...

Spoilers: Say up to and including Amends. Big spoilers for Angel's revelation about how he turned Dru (Lie to me) Big Spoilers for the ending of becoming (but you have to know what happened in that!!)

Author's notes?: Hmm...my muse was screaming at me to do another buffy thoughts fic (post becoming...I like that episode TOO much!), but I revised it slightly <TRY A LOT!> and made it one from Angel's perspective, a little later in Season 3.

Disclaimers: Never mine, never will be. Belongs to almighty Joss Whedon...creator of all things great. Hi to omega_h...we'll have to start this fic soon!!...Look at what my muse is doing to me.

I have to tell her. I can't let her go on loving me. I don't know what I can say to her that's going to make it better.

I know what Buffy went through when I was in hell. How you may wonder. Buffy knows I was tortured when I was in hell. She doesn't know that the worst tortures inflicted on me were the ones where I could see her. I could see her, living alone in L.A. I could see what I did to her.

And, also, she was my key out of hell. By my wishing that I had never existed, that I had never come to know her so she would know some normal, by my being glad that she was rid of me, as all I seem to do was destroy her. Hell has the most unusual system. Seems they reverse all your wishes. Thus making me end up right where it all started.

She can't stand to be around vampires (i mean, to be honest, who can? Most of the ones I know are the most arrogant cocky creatures I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, hell, I even had the disfortune to be the most arrogant of the lot for about a hundred and fifty years!)

 I love her. When I see her, I feel so human. I can lose myself in her arms. i can look into her eyes, and know only the strongest love. I can forget the misery, and the guilt which has been my only companion for the last century.

Which, of course if you're me, isn't allowed.

I should let het go, let her get past me. If the Master scared her, there's no telling what she would be like if Angelus got out again. Angelus is quite possibly the most cruel and vicious vampire ever.

Buffy said that she loved me regardless. She loved me even after knowing exactly what I did, because all I did, I did to her.

The Master is a perfectionist. He likes everything to be just so. He doesn't like to torture and extend agony, because of the mess. I know. I was his most loyal servant for so long. I spent so long thinking that If Buffy knew of what I did, before i got my soul back, she would truly hate me. I killed for pleasure, and took great pride in making the death as painful to both victim, and victims family. I spent weeks planning ways to kill, and ways to completely ruin my victims. Look at Drusilla. I tortured Dru til she was insane, then I turned her. Few people know what Dru really was before i turned her. Whistler showed me. She was destined to be a true saint. not in the sense of a saint in the Catholic church, but someone who altered the future. She would have borne a child, who in turn would change the world. I stopped that. I hated how pure, innocent and loving she was. I hated the belief she had in herself. So I destroyed it.

Those are the qualities I love in Buffy. Maybe by loving her, I will destroy her too. Destroy her as badly as I destroyed Dru through mental torture and pain, except to Buffy, all I have to do is love her.I  should let her go, and seek comfort from her friends and not me.

When she hurts, I hurt. What makes her cry, makes me weep. To see the strongest person i know, snap under the pressure, makes me terrified of losing her. Which is why I'm letting her go.