TITLE: This is Letting Go

AUTHOR: Suja sujaraviraj@yahoo.com

SPOILERS: Sanctuary. The Prom. B/A.

SUMMARY: Between Sanctuary and the Yoko Factor.

DISCLAIMER: Letting Go is from the DC soundtrack, which I only have a copy of and therefore, I don't know who is the band/singer. Sorry people!! But, Buffy, Angel and Riley belong to Joss Whedon and Company.

AUTHOR's NOTES: Hey, I'm sorry for all the song fics. Been in a song ficky mood.

Dear Angel,

I don't know how to say this. I don't even know why I'm writing this letter, I'll never post it. I don't exactly think we're speaking anymore. Did you realise its been a year since we were together? I didn't realise until I was sitting on the bus back to Sunnydale. God, I just want....I don't know what I want.

"Don't call me

Don't write

Dont show up in the middle of the night

You know that we needed

Some time and space to beat it"

I think I need space. I'm supposed to be over you, I'm supposed to be with Riley. He loves me. And he trusts me. And I trust him, and I love him, and you know why its not what we had? Because I don't love him as much as I love you. I never could Angel, we're meant to be. And when you snapped today, you hurt me more than Angelus ever did...because it was *you* and because you were telling the truth. I had no right barging in like that.

"I still recall the words you said to me

It's what you did, not say

that sets me free

now how can I, be so blind

When you keep coming back again

It's not okay for you to play this game of see saw with my head"

I can remember EVERY word of that last horrible conversation in the sewers. I can't handle seeing you yet. It just hurts way too much. I'm repressing, I know, but its the only way I can be happy. Do you think its possible for me to go on with my life, knowing what WE had? Do you know how rare that is? How special? Wasn't it worth fighting for? Apparently not. I don't mean to be so hurtful to you, you have to understand that. It's just that, I can't....I can't let myself smile, because I know if I make any kind of emotional contact with you, my facade will fall.

"Now it hurts too much

It hits too hard

And I wont play this part

So now I say the things I want to say

Sometimes its better letting go this way"

I know I've neglected friends this year. Especially Giles and Xander, but even Willow. I didn't even notice that she was gay. I mean, it wasn't like they were being particularly discreet, it's just that I haven't had a real roomie talk with Will for so long. Part of it is college, and Riley, but mostly its because they know me. They know that "college-buffy" is a facade. She's fake. She doesn't care about anything except herself and her "perfect little world". That's why I've neglected the gang.

"I'll always know, down in my soul

We really have so far to go

I'm moving on

I had to give

And now its time for me to live"

Angel. You'll always be a part of me...I can never leave that behind. But I can't live in eternal misery. I can't do this alone, I'm not like that. And, since I can't have you, and I need someone, Riley was the easiest person to turn to. I gave you my love, and you weren't allowed to accept it. Now, I do love Riley, but in a different way. This thing with Riley, I think its what most people define love as. I know different, I do, but it would be impossible to live up to what we had, now that was love, love so powerful it transcended all boundaries. Even magick.

"And I wont look back

And I wont regret

Though it hurts like hell

Someday I WILL forget"

I need to forget Angel. Can't live remembering what we had, what we could have had. It's an impossibility. hence, "college buffy", all new, all perky, all loving Riley slayer.

"It's funny how we seem to end up here.

I never thought I'd see this love disappear"

The one constant in my life for three years was you. Didn't matter what else was going on, you were always there - barring those Angelus months and the consequent visit to hell. You gave me love, which was the source of my strength. I never thought that would disappear. Even as Angelus, you were there.

"This is letting go

This is letting go

This is letting go

This is letting go"

Love you,

Buffy.

"Don't call me

Don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night

You know that we needed

Some time and space to beat it."