TITLE: How (1/1)

AUTHOR: Suja sujaraviraj@yahoo.com

SUMMARY: Angel thoughts et more, post Sanctuary.

SPOILERS: Sanctuary (Innocence and Passion too i guess)

DISCLAIMER: Lisa Loeb own "How". Joss Whedon owns the characters, etc, etc.

DISTRIBUTION: Anyone who has my fic already, feel free. I dunno if anyone will actually want this though.

AUTHOR's NOTES: I'm trying a new thing here. The bits in ** ...** are Angel's thought, and also the lyrics to the song.

He wasn't sure he'd ever send this letter, but it felt like a good way to get everything out in the open. Trouble was, he didn't know how to make it sound like he wasn't attacking her. "Dear Buffy" would be a good place to start.

**I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.
And now you want to ask me "how"?
It's like - How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?**

I've grown up since coming here. I'm more level-headed. My emotions aren't ruling me like they did for so long in Sunnydale. And my love for you played a big part in my run-a-way emotions. Not that I regret loving you. You'll always be a part of me, but what I've learned is we need this time apart. Can't you see? I need to be strong enough to stand up to you when we don't agree. Thats something I could never do before. I have to help Faith. I know you don't understand, but who am I to decide who's soul is worth saving? I see so much of myself in her Buffy, and you wouldn't understand because you know me NOW. You didn't know me then, and I was so much worse. I was ten times the monster Faith ever was. I maimed, killed, tortured entire families for fun, in the way that you go to the movies for fun. And I know you don't like to think of those things, but it is a part of me. You saw that part when it resurfaced two years ago. What you don't get is that the only difference between it and me is that I have a conscience. And my conscience is what stops me from killing. I still have the urges, the wants, the needs to do all that stuff. You ask me why I help Faith? By helping her, I'm helping me. If I can't help her redeem herself, what chance is there for me?

**Why did you come here?
You weren't invited.
You were on the outside - Stay on the outside.
And now you want to ask me "why"?
It's like - why does your heart beat, and how do you cry?
How does your heart beat?"

Did you ever think that *I* might not be ready to see you? I remember at Thanksgiving you said you were so angry because I was back in town. You were angry because you weren't ready to see me. So you didn't come here to see if I was okay. You came here to get vengeance on Faith. Have I ever told you how much I hate vengeance? Justice I agree with, vengeance terrifies me. Vengeance is ruthless, eternal. And to see you falling into that, don't you see? You are to Faith, what the Kalderash are to me. Terrifying. So this was not your place. It was not your fight.

**And there are some things that I'd like to figure out.
There are some things that I can do without -
like you, and your letters that go on forever,
and you, and the people that were never friends.**

I need this time apart Buffy. It was slowly killing me inside when we were together, to love you so much, but to be dominated too. I need to figure things out. I need to sort out the curse. I just, I would like to be friends. I could do without all this anger and hatred. I have friends now too. Cordelia, and Wesley. I've never had that before. You always had Xander, Willow and Giles. And even Oz, and Cordy too I guess. The only people from that group who don't hate me with at least a small part of themselves, are Oz and of course Cordelia. You don't know how hard that is, to overcome what the demon did to the friendship Willow and I were sort of having. And to make Xander's hatred understandable. I could live with it when it was an irrational fear. And to lose Giles' friendship. That hurt. Not that I didn't deserve it. I can understand why he wouldn't be able to forgive me, I'm not even looking for it. I'm the thing that killed his girlfriend and left her remains on his bed.

**With all the things that you could be,
you never could learn how to be me.
And now you want to ask me "how"?
It's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?**

I hope you are happy in your new life, with your new boyfriend. That one hurts, especially when you threw it in my face. Were you telling me, or reassuring yourself? I know I felt what we used to have, what we still do, everytime you were in the room. I can't believe that a love that survived hell, can ever dissipate. And the fact that you got so riled up, doesn't that prove something? You ask me "how", and it's like "How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe? Questions I can't answer. I miss you, and I still love you, but I also think you are being selfish. And that's what I wanted to say, but the anger and betrayal I felt, they got the better of me. I could have helped Faith, maybe I have. Maybe jail is what she needs. To break the habit. She's a minor, she'll be out in a few years. I hope she can survive. I hope she isn't in a worse state. I'm not saying her going to jail was your fault. It might have happened regardless of you being there. We'll never know.

Forever yours

Angel.

He folded up the letter and put into the envelope. After addressing the envelope, he slid it into his desk drawer. He could send it when he felt ready. Just now, he felt horrible, and figured, if he sent it today, he'd end up chasing the letter to Sunnydale and apologising to Buffy. And that would set them back so many months. He would be being submissive. Maybe he'd never sent it, but writing it had been the first step.