TITLE: Almost

AUTHOR: Suja sujaraviraj@yahoo.com

SPOILERS: Lets see, Season 4 Buffy, Season 1 Angel

DISCLAIMER: "Didn't We Almost Have It All?" belongs to Whitney Houston. The characters in this story all belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, etc, etc.

AUTHOR's NOTES: I've got a long fic in the work which i hope to get out eventually, but in the meantime I love this OLD song and think it's so UNBELIEVABLY B/A related. You really should get it (it's on Napster!!!) It's phenomally B/A. The tune itself makes me want to cry.

DISTRIBUTION: If you want it, and already have my fic up, go ahead. If you want it, and don't have my fic up, let me know where you're posting it. It will be at my site fly.to/fatalattraction either tonight or tomorrow.

There are some things in my life I'll never be able to forget. My first boyfriend, my first kiss, all the usual firsts in any girl's life. But in my life, there are so many more milestones, and terrifying events that I'll never forget.

Being Called, slaying my first vampire, seeing my first Watcher killed before my eyes. Moving, making new friends. Meeting Angel. Dying. Realising how every day is a victory for me, and knowing how quickly my life can change. The night of my seventeenth birthday, and how my life changed irrevocably from that moment. What happened that night has shaped the rest of my life, it set events into motion that changed the person I once was. Losing Angel that first time. And then again when I was forced to send him to hell. Then once more when he broke up with me. Then when he left, left my life.

My love for him will never die. NEVER. It doesn't matter what happens. I wish that it didn't hold so strong, and burn so passionately, but I can't stop myself, and it isn't from a lack of trying. I thought I could move on, force my love for Angel to the bottom of my heart, and let someone else in. And I have.

I do love Riley, he's sweet, and honest, protective and intelligent, loyal and trusting. Reliable. He's everything that I wanted for myself, before I was called. All those things were so important to me. But I love him in a completely different way to the way I love Angel. Angel, I love because I *love* him. There's no logic behind it, no specific reasons *why* I love him. It just exists, this invisible tie, this unbreakable bond. Riley is like a fringe accessory, I love him, but I can live without him. Without Angel I exist. I don't live, I don't really.

So why do I stay with Riley? I don't want to be alone. I know how terrifying my thoughts get when I stay by myself, when I think too long, or too hard. But it isn't fair to Riley, to tie him to me, when I'll never give him my heart. I can *never* give him my heart, because it belongs to Angel. And I can never have Angel, I'm destined to live in this world, but to never really be a part of it. And I can't do this anymore. I think its kind of ironic that Angel has managed to do what Angelus, and no other evil could do. He's broken me. I know I don't want to go on, forever knowing what I once had, what I could have had, because of one loophole, one hellish torture that fate inflicted on us.

It's time for me to end this, this parody of a normal life that I've carried out for a year...I should have died when it was prophesized, then fate would have never had the chance to play with our lives, let me fall so far. I don't have a pile of letters to leave behind, just a small note for Giles, a note for Willow, and one for Xander. And of course the lyrics that I found for Angel, I know he'll appreciate them.

" Angel,

Remember when we held on in the rain
The nights we almost lost it once again
We can take the night into tomorrow
Living on feelings
Touching you I feel it again

Didn't we almost have it all
When love was all we had worth giving
The ride with you was worth the fall my friend
Loving you makes life worth living
Didn't we almost have it all
The nights we held on till the morning
You know you'll never love that way again
Didn't we almost have it all

The way you used to touch me felt so fine
We kept our hearts together down the line
A moment in the soul can last forever
Comfort and keep us
Help me bring the feeling back again

Didn't we have the best of times
When love was young and new
Couldn't we reach inside and find
The world of me and you
We'll never lose it again
Cause once you know what love is
You'll never let it end

Didnt' we almost have it all

Forever, Buffy "

It's time to go, time to let them have the normal lives they deserve, time to let everyone live the life they would live without me. If only I had realised earlier. Giles might have had Jenny still, Willow might have gone to some great college, and Xander might have gone to College, full stop. And Mom, she could have had the life she wanted, without having to know about this freakshow gig that I do. It's time to leave their lives. I pick up my bag, and leave Willow, Giles and Xander's letters on my bed. Closing the door of my dorm, I take one last look at the place. On my way to the Bus Depot I drop Angel's letter into the mail box, and get on the bus that will take me away from the West Coast.