TITLE: Writing what I'm Scared to Say

AUTHOR: Suja

SPOILERS: Set pre-Innocence, but it makes *MUCH* better reading (for poignancy) if you've seen Innocence - Becoming II. I've also nicked a line from Surprise, you'll know it when you see it. And I've modified a line from Innocence to add impact (Angelus to Spike), and you'll know it too when you see it.

DISCLAIMER: I learnt my lesson last time. The song "Thank God I Found You" is Mariah Carey, James Harris III and Terry Lewis, featuring Joe and 98 degrees. Buffy and Angel et all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and 20th Century Fox.

AUTHOR's Notes: I've been listening to Mariah Carey's old stuff a lot (particularly 1993 Music Box Album) and it has so many BTVS possibilities...hence the outflow of fic from me right now. This song is a new one though, but it screamed ANGEL POV at me!!

Beloved Buffy,

I don't quite know the best way to tell you this. I just know that I love you so much, but I'm terrified to tell you. I'm sure you know, but I'd like to say it out loud. You told me to surprise you for your birthday, and I immediately knew what I'd get you. Something that was the embodiment of our love. The Claddagh is a traditional Irish wedding ring, but what we have is so much more. Our love, it transcends marriage, it transcends life itself. And I heard this song on the radio, not my usual style I know, but I heard it, and it fits us so beautifully. This is it. I'm going to give you this letter with the ring, and I hope that you feel the same. You've already told me you love me, so I think the nerves are just me being paranoid.

"I would give up everything
Before I'd separate myself from you"

I'll never leave you Buffy. As long as I'm alive, look over your shoulder, and I'll be there.

"After so much suffering
I finally found unvarnished truth
I was all by myself for the longest time
So cold inside
And the hurt from the heartache would not subside
I felt like dying
Until you saved my life"

I think I've loved you since I first set eyes on you. That day, outside Hemery High School in L.A, whe you were called, that was the first time I saw you... You are so beautiful in the sunlight.

"Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight"

You are my sunlight. You are my sun.

"Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
'Cause baby I'm so thankful I found you"

I don't deserve you. I love you. I tried not to, but I can't stop myself.

"I would give you everything
There's nothing in this world
I wouldn't do
To insure your happiness
I cherish every part of you
'Cause without you beside me
I can't survive
Don't want to try
If your keeping me warm
Each and every night
I'll be alright
Because I need you in my life"

The day you die, is the day I see my first sunrise in over 200 years. I've only been with you for about a year, but I can not see my life without you being a part of it.

"See I was so desolate
Before you came to me
Looking back I guess
It shows that we were destined
to shine
After the rain, to appreciate
The gift of what we have
And I'd go through it all over again
To be able to feel this way"

I couldn't stand to be without you Buffy. This is the first time since I was cursed that I've felt like this, felt less guilty. The pain and the guilt are lessening, and its all because I love you so much. If I can have you, then I must be making amends.

I love you - three words I can write incessantly, but I have to yet say to you.

Eternally

Angel.