Title: Fate and Complications

Author: Sara buffyased20@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: Don't sue me cuz I don't own any of these characters!!

Rating: PG-13 (one bad word)

Spoilers: Uhm..nothing...no one saw the meeting of B&A! But it is after Buffy came back from the dead!

Synopsis: Another take on B&A 's secret meeting and the after effects of it. Wonderful ending! (yeh right!)

Feedback: Thank you to EVERYONE who has sent me feedback ( CC ecspecially!). It really encourages me to continue to write B&A.

( denotes flashbacks)

Buffy drove silently through the night, the rain sliding down her windsheild as the wipers lazily wiped it away. She had turned down the radio....top 40 pop music did not help her think. Once again, she was driving away from him. It seemed that's all they ever did lately, was leave each other.

She remembered when she had gotten out of her car...he had already been there, waiting for her. He had been pacing, his hands clenched together behind his back. When he had seen her, and she him, everything just stopped. But then, the world always stopped when they saw each other.

He had walked to her slowly, lifting up his hand and gently touching her cheek, as though he were afraid to touch her. That's when he burst into tears. He had pulled her against him tightly, as though he never wanted to let go, as he sobbed in her hair. She had hugged him back, almost unwilling to believe that he was really holding her again. She had wanted to cry too...badly...but it was an emotion she had seemed devoid of lately.

( "When Willow told me...I just couldn't let myself believe it..I had to see you...touch you...this is just unbelievable." he whispered to her, still clutching her tightly against hhis body.

Buffy was silent, but closed her eyes for a moment as she let the sensation of safety and calm wash through her. Angel leaned back, softly pushing her hair behind her ears. He studied her face for a moment, his cheeks still stained with his tears. She half smiled at him, her hands itching to keep touching him.

"I'm just still trying to grasp all of this," he told her quietly. She felt his hands shaking as he took hers.

"That makes two of us..." she said wryly. His eyes suddenly filled with concern.

"How are you doing? I can't imagine what this must be like for you..." he paused for a moment, "Actually, I can..."

She quieted him by gently pressing her finger against his lips. She ran her hands through his hair and down his cheeks. Pulling him down, she pressed her lips against his. There, deep down, she felt the ball of heat. The cold she had been feeling for weeks seemed to thaw as he pulled her closer.

Angel lost himself in her taste. He forgot everything around him as she clung to him needily. He couldn't believe that he had almost forgotten what it was like to hold her, to kiss her. It was then that he didn't care about anything...anyone...except her.)

Buffy wiped a small tear away from her eye impatiently.  Angel had made her...*feel* again. Something besides emptiness and anger. She had felt warmth and love. Something deep inside her erupted. And she had blown it. She had pulled away from his kiss, rejected it. She had struck out at him. Why? She still didn't know. Maybe it was because it was like a rollercoaster with Angel. One moment they were saying it was over...for good. The next minute they would kiss and touch...and they would leave each other...again. How many times could she handle that?

Leaning down, Buffy flipped on the heat. Now, for some reason, Buffy could never get the chill out of her body...even in sunny California. The only person who could do that for her was Angel...or Spike. Shaking her head, frustrated, Buffy pushed that thought from her mind. Spike was the reason she and Angel parted on semi-bad terms...again. Well...almost.

( "I just can't do this anymore..." Buffy cried softly, frustration seeping through her. Angel stepped back, sliding his hands in his jacket pockets.

"What do you mean?" he asked, confusion apparent in his voice, "Do what?"

"This!" she said throwing her arms up in the air. "It's like...every couple months we see each other, kiss each other, proclaim our love and leave each other again. It's just getting too hard. Ecspecially now..." her voice trailed off.

"Buffy, you kissed me remember? And I can't help what happens. I wish I could change the circumstances between us...if I could help it....I would have just called you...but you know I had to see you. You've been to Hell and back...I know how it feels and I had to make sure you were okay. But it tears me up  everytime I hear your voice, see your face...even if it's a picture!" he paused, realizing Buffy's bottom lip had started to quiver, in that adorable way, whenever she was on the verge of tears.

"Buffy..." he whispered, taking a step toward her. She moved back silently, raising a hand to stop him.

"Angel..." she took a deep breath, "I wasn't in Hell..."

"What are you talking about? Where were...." he fell silent as realization struck him. "Oh, Buffy..."

"Maybe it was Heaven...I-I don't know...but Willow...they didn't know. I can't be angry with them!" she said to him, but it sounded like she was trying to convince herself instead. "Angel, I was so...happy." her voice cracked for a moment as she stopped to compose herself.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, wanting to take her back into his arms to comfort her. But he knew she wouldn't let him. "What did they say when you told them?"

She shrugged softly, "They don't know...they can't ever know. It would kill them! I can't do that to them. Only Spike knows...")

That's when the shit hit the roof, Buffy remembered. Why had she been stupid enough to mention Spike's name? Angel almost had an unbeating heart attack. And she had to explain the chip, and Spike's actions to Angel, who just didn't understand what Buffy was doing conversing with a cold blooded killer.

And I, of course, had to get defensive and hurtful, Buffy thought, wanting to punch her hand into something...anything. She had told Angel he wasn't a part of her life anymore...and Spike cared for her. Angel threw back that it was typical that she use Spike as a substitute for him. Though she knew it was the truth, Buffy couldn't bring herself to admit that he was right. Angel was *always* right.

("Why did you need to see me so badly?" Buffy demanded, crossing her arms. This isn't how she wanted this to be. Not now, not with Angel, of all people.

"I told you why, Buffy. You're a part of me..."

"You sure don't act like it." she shot back, "You're never around anymore...you haven't seen me since my mother died! You never even called. So I die and get resurrected...what, if this your big chance to ease your conscience for not being there? For not...saving me?"

She had known it hit home when she saw the pain in his eyes. She suddenly regreted the words, wishing more than anything that they could start over.

"Buffy, I love you," he said finally, "God, you know that. I try everyday to get over it. When you died, I prayed...*prayed* every night for a miracle. I had to leave L.A. for three months to work through my grief...and even that wasn't enough. You haunted me every minute of everyday.")

Buffy spotted the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign, relaxing a little bit. Angel had said he loved her...but she knew that. And he knew she loved him. Only she didn't say it to him. She couldn't. She had instead snapped at him. She had told him that it wasn't fair for him to tell her he loved her. It wasn't fair for him to make her love him back when they couldn't be together. And then she had proclaimed that she wasn't even sure she could be with him, if for some miracle they COULD be together. He had listened, stone faced, with pain and weariness in his eyes, as she informed him that their lives were different now. That she wasn't the schoolgirl he fell in love with, and he wasn't the man she had fallen in love with.

It was a lie of course...they both knew it, but something inside her told her it was better that way, to break it off cleanly so she could finally start to get over him. Angel had reluctantly agreed with her...adding that if that was what she needed to tell herself, that was fine by him. They had stared at each other for a brief moment more before he turned, walked away in the darkness towards his vehicle. Buffy had done the same, though her heart screamed at her to go after him, but she hadn't obeyed.

And now here she was, two blocks away from home, tired and as hurt as ever. The aroma of chicken beside her filled the jeep. She pulled into her driveway, pausing a moment before turning off the engine and grabbing the chicken. She was prepared for the curious looks and questions she would get from Dawn...and Willow....but she wasn't sure if she could share this with them this time. It was too intense...too painful. She certaintly didn't want to relive it. Although she knew it was something that would stick with her for a long time.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy opened the door to her home.

Later that night...

She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Tonight, like most nights, she couldn't sleep. She needed to be thinking of where to go for job applications, but her meeting with Angel clouded her mind. She always hated it when she and Angel parted badly. There was a piece of her that would never rest until she received closure. Angel was so important to her, he was probably the only person, besides Giles, that she hated having him upset or disappointed with her. And she knew Angel was both of those things.

Sighing, she sat up and turned on her bedside lamp. She leaned down, pulling open her nightstand drawer and ruffled through a few things before she pulled out her diary from high school. She flipped through the pages that were filled with so much memories. She paused for a moment, smiling softly when she noticed the initial "A"...she had stumbled over an explanation when she had thought Angel read her diary.

She turned the pages until she reached a small piece of paper, folded neatly in the middle. She pulled it out and opened it up, debating for a few moments before she reached for the phone.

It rang twice before Angel's personal answering machine picked up. She called his direct line instead of the business one. The last thing she needed was Wesley or Cordelia to answer.

She listened as his voice asked for her to leave a message at the tone...finally she began speaking.

"H-Hi, Angel, it's me. Look, I'm calling...well..I guess to apologize. What I said...I didn't mean it. Although I think you know that. Things are just so confusing and muddled right now, and I'm sorry I struck out at you. I don't think I can get through this without your support..and I-I want to know how you're doing also." she paused, closing her eyes for a moment, " I love you Angel. Please remember that. Please call me soon...maybe we can talk...really talk this time. Uhm, okay, I'm not that great at talking to machines so you know my number...whenever you need me...just call. Bye." Breathing deeply, Buffy hung up the phone.

L.A....

Cordelia stared at the small machine for a moment. She had been in Angel's room, picking up some files when she heard Buffy's voice fill the air. Angel would probably be home any minute from his meeting with her.

Debating for a moment or two, Cordelia shrugged. She knew what was best for Angel. And it wasn't named Buffy. She glanced towards the door to see if anyone was near, before pressing a newly manicured finger down on the answering machine.

Satisified, she headed out the room as the machine announced, "Your message has been deleted"  and the blinking red light faded to black.