Title: A Perfect World

Author: Sara - buffyased20@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: I own nothing of BtVS or Angel. Don't sue!

Spoilers?: Uhm, yeah, this season of Angel and most of season 6

Summary: Buffy hasn't seen or heard from Angel for almost two years after their brief meeting (Flooded). After finding her claddagh ring, she decides to visit him...but finds he's not the same as he used to be...and he's with someone else.

Feedback?: Yes please..!

*******************************

(love should have been enough, but it wasn't when the waters got rough. the tide swept you out of my arms....)

Buffy stopped for a moment to briefly collect her thoughts. She stood just a few feet away from the hotel's front door. She could see in the window...he sat at his desk, concentrating on some papers. It was almost eleven o'clock when she arrived...she could hardly catch her breath.  On the other side was Angel...who she hadn't seen for almost two years...not since their last meeting, after she had come back from...the dead. They spoke for awhile then...almost until sunrise, when he had to leave.

The meeting had been..intense...heartbreaking. It was almost like a broken record between them. He had told her he loved her...but at that point, she was so tired of opening her heart to him, only to have him leave her again. So she had stayed silent, not returning his vow of eternal love. And it had hurt him, she knew. But what else could she do? So they had hugged and parted...again. She had hoped seeing Angel would give her perspective on her returning, but instead, it had just been confusing.

They hadn't spoken since then. Sunnydale had been quiet for some time...an occassional vampire or two, but nothing major since Glory. She assumed L.A. was the same...she knew if anything was too big, Angel would call on her and the gang. But he never called...not once.

She had been cleaning up her room one night last month when she noticed her old weapons chest under her bed. A bit curious to search through her past, she had opened it up. Laughing at the pictures she had put away of her, Xander and Willow, laughing together. She hadn't realized how much she missed those days. She continued to root through the chest until she had come upon some stakes. She had pulled them out and set them aside for later use if necessary. Buffy remembered feeling numb, her heart dropping to her knees when she spotted the silver ring.

Her claddagh ring Angel had given her years ago, on her seventeenth birthday...before he lost his soul. She had kept it, treasured it, until he left her a little over a year later. Then she had tucked it away to be forgotten, along with her memories of Angel. Years passed and her heart and healed...a little bit. But when she found the ring again, the memories had washed over her in a wave of regret and yearning. She remembered the pain and the love. How could she have forgotten? She never loved anyone again after Angel. Riley had come and gone and come back again...married. The fling with Spike lasted a couple more months...until she had the courage to break it off. She realized that sex without love was empty and meaningless. And she had wanted to give her life meaning. Spike had been so distraught, he left Sunnydale. She hadn't heard from him since.

And that's why she was here today. To give her life meaning. She wanted to tell Angel she loved him, that she never stopped. She wanted to tell him all her feelings and problems because she knew only he could make them better. She needed him, and for some odd reason, that comforted her.

Buffy took a deep breath and slowly walked up the stone steps. Her heart was racing wildly, her palms sweaty in anticipation. Lifting her hand, she knocked.

****

Angel heard the knock at the door from his office. Glancing up at the wooden clock, he wondered who would be arriving at such a late hour. Chuckling to himself, he set his pen down. 11 o'clock was actually pretty early...at least to everyone in the building. Cordy and Fred were still out on their weekly girl's night out and Gunn had convinced Wesley to attend a basketball game.

Angel headed to the door, smiling in greeting as he opened it. His smile vanished and his heart skipped a beat as he looked into the eyes of the first woman he had ever loved.

"B-Buffy..." he managed.

Part 2

(we were meant to be..you were put on earth for me...i'll know that 'till my dying day but somehow life got in the way...)

"Angel." Buffy smiled back at him. His face was white and pale...well it always had been. He looked shocked to see her. But that was to be expected...they hadn't seen each other in two years.

"Buffy...sorry, come in." he said quickly, opening the door wider so she could enter. She thanked him and walked to the edge of the stairs before turning towards him.

"I hope this isn't...weird...I know we haven't spoken in some time..." she started. He smiled nervously at her. "No! Not at all. It's really great to see you."

They walked down into the hotel lobby together and Angel offered her a chair. She sat slowly, wishing the awkwardness between them would disappear.

"Do you want any coffee? Tea?" he asked, starting towards the small kitchen. She grabbed his arm quickly. They paused for a moment, glancing at their touching hands.

"No thank you...I really just came here to talk for a couple minutes..." she assured him. He nodded and sat down across from her. Silence engulfed them for a few moments before Buffy opened her mouth to speak.

"Angel..I..."

"Buffy..." he started.

They laughed at each other and Buffy felt some of the tension rub off. She planned this trip for awhile, but never thought to think of what to say. She always assumed that when she saw him, she would just know. But now, the words wouldn't come.

"You first..." he insisted, smiling warmly at her. He wanted to put off anything he had to say until the very last possible moment.

She cast her eyes down, staring at her shaking hands for a moment. Why couldn't she just say it?

"So...what's new with you?" she asked instead, loathing herself for being such a coward. Angel coughed a bit into his hand.

"Oh..not much...just the usual." he told her simply. Just the usual? What kind of answer was that? So much had happened to him since he last saw her. She was important to him...he should be able to tell her anything.

"Ooh..." she said quietly. He apparently didn't feel like small talk. She looked around the hotel to bide some time. She noticed how clean everything was. The countertops sparkled, everything was organized and in order. So unlike her and Dawn's home...it was always cluttered and messy. She cursed silently to herself...stop putting it off!

Angel sighed and inched forward, taking Buffy's hands in his. It took her a moment to realize his hands were warm...vampires were cold...well...they were dead. Angel had always given off warmth to her, but this was different...it was almost like...

Her shot up to gaze into his...questioning. He smiled a little, squeezing her hands tightly.

"Actually...quite a bit has been going on..." he began.

"You're...are you...?" she asked in awe. It wasn't possible...he couldn't be human...could he?

More silence. Angel took a deep breath before deciding to just get it over with.

"Yes...I'm alive...human again." he told her quietly. He wasn't sure how she would react. The last time this happened...geez it seemed like ages ago. She was overjoyed...but then it had been taken away from him. Not that she remembered anyway...

While Angel's thoughts wandered...Buffy tried to absorb the shock. Angel was human? She dreamt of this day for years...

"When did this happen?" she asked, pushing the words out. Her mouth was so dry, her palms sweaty.

"About a year and a half ago...a little while after you and I met." he knew she had questions...he also knew what she may expect from this. He didn't know how to tell her everything...he hated hurting Buffy. But that's all he seemed to do when she was around.

"A year and a half...? What happened? Why didn't you tell me?" hurt filled her voice. It had been almost two years since he's been human and he didn't even call to tell her. It was like their past meant nothing to him!

"Buffy, when we met that last time...I had so much going on. I wanted to tell you but you seemed to distant...I didn't want to bother you with my problems." he continued when she said nothing. "Darla and I..."

"Darla?" she asked, snapping out of her daze. "Darla, Darla? Darla who tried to kill me Darla? Dusted Darla?"

"It's a long story Buffy...but this lawfirm, Wolfram and Hart, they brought Darla back from Hell to destroy me...they used her to bring me back to darkness...they almost succeeded." he informed her, his eyes darkening at the memory. "I slept with her..." he heard Buffy's sharp intake of breath at this, but continued on. "Then I had some kind of epiphany...I knew my mission again and I threatened to kill her if she ever showed her face again...and Darla left..for awhile. About a week after I saw you, she showed up here...pregnant."

Buffy laughed out loud, rolling her eyes. "Angel...vampires can't have kids remember? We once talked about that..." but her voice trailed off as she saw the intense look in his eyes. "She was pregnant? With...your child?" So many emotions were running through her. Denial, anger, hurt. But then, that was usual when she was with Angel.

Angel stood then and began pacing in front of her. "It was a prophecy...too long and confusing to go into now but our child was fated. He was alive, Buffy, he had a soul. He was destined to be a strong ally in good...or evil."

"And Darla? Where's the happy mother?" she asked bitterly, clutching her hands together painfully.

"She's dead...she shared the baby's soul and before his birth, she killed herself..." he recalled, a fresh wave of guilt washing over him. Guilt he had long buried.

"How noble of her." she whispered angrily.

"Buffy, I wanted to tell you...I needed to tell you. I called a few times but you were never home...Dawn would pick up, but I couldn't explain this to her so I would hang up."

She was never home...? Of course she wasn't...she was too busy sleeping with Spike. Oh God...she buried her face in her hands, demanding that the tears go away. She hated crying in front of Angel. She hated showing him she was weak. She couldn't do that anymore.

"Buffy..." he said softly, sitting back down beside her. His hand reached out to touch her but stopped...he was afraid to touch her. He knew how soft her hair would be...he knew how creamy her skin would feel...*stop it* he scolded himself, pulling his hand back. That part of your life is over, he reminded himself.

She wiped away a few stray tears before turning to look at him. "I'm sorry..I shouldn't be so emotional...but Angel...you have a son. I can't believe it...it's just...I never thought it would be Darla..." she stopped before speaking any further. The truth was...she always thought it would be her carrying Angel's child. "Where is he?" she asked softly, noticing the hurt that filled his chocolate brown eyes.

"Dead..." he said simply, coldly.

"Dead? Angel..I'm sorry, I didn't know..."

"I know you didn't Buffy..it's okay. The prophecy came true...unfortunately, he was destined for evil. He was a toddler for about 2 months...then began growing at a rapid rate. He was in his twenties...when he died...when I killed him."

Angel voice was soft,yet somewhat detached. Buffy couldn't understand any of this. All this information sprung on her so fast. But what did she expect? A lot can happen in two years.

"You killed him? Why?" she was almost afraid of the answer. Her resentment quickly faded away when she saw the pain in his face. She hated herself for bringing up painful memories for him...but she needed to know.

"They got to him...he had joined with Wolfram and Hart to destroy me. I loved him...he was my son...but by then, he was a monster. I couldn't see him as my son anymore. He almost killed Wesley...and Cordelia." his grimaced at the memory of seeing them lying bloody and motionless on Hyperion's hotel floor...but he had found them in time...just in time...he shook head back to the present.

"He killed many innocent people...to get to me. He knew I saved people...he knew I would fight him. And I did. He almost killed me but luckily I have friends...and I defeated him. I killed him before he could kill anyone else..or me. I sacrificed my son..." his voice broke as emotion ran through him. Buffy's heart ached for him as she brushed a tear from his cheek.

"You did what you had to do." she assured him, wanting to pull him into her arms and never let go.

"Yeah...I guess I did. When he fell to the ground...I felt something run through me. It was painful and brought me to my knees...I thought I was dying for good...exactly like the time..." he stopped suddenly, remembering that Buffy had to recollection of that day. "Uh, the time that my soul was restored."

She nodded, urging him to continue.

"The Powers That Be made me human...I achieved my Shansu..."

"Shansu?" she asked, confused.

"Another prophecy...it stated that if I reached my redemption, I would become human again."

"So many prophecies in so little time." she observed, deciding to stand up. She couldn't bear being so close to him...yet so far away. She walked slowly around the coffee table before turning to him again.

"So the PTB gave you your humanity back for sacrificing your son, who eventually would have probably ended the world?" It seemed almost too much to believe...but then again, she battled a God and died...then returned to the living. So maybe it wasn't that hard to grasp.

"Yes...and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner..." He stood too, walking to her. She moved a couple feet back, sliding her hands into her jean pockets.

"Why didn't you? Angel...you're human. We wished for this day for so long..."

"I know.." he sighed, "But by that time...we were living seperate lives. You had your own issues and I had to deal with my new found life again."

"So you didn't think I was important enough to tell that you were a regular Joe?" Again she hated herself that the bitterness leaked out in her voice. But she couldn't help the ever changing feelings inside her.

"That's not it. It's just...I had started a new life..without you." he regretted the words when he saw Buffy's lower lip start trembling. "Buffy...please don't cry. I just assumed you were happy in your life. You didn't seem too thrilled to see me the last time...I thought you had moved on." He panicked when he saw the tears start to fall faster. She turned away from him quickly, wishing she had never come to see him. It wasn't going as she had planned...as she had hoped.

"You were wrong." she told him, her back still facing him.

"I'm sorry, Buffy...I didn't want to hurt you with any of this..." he began softly. He walked up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She jerked away from him, fury bubbling over.

"I don't understand!" she cried, "You left me because you couldn't give me a 'normal life'. Now you can! Why didn't you find me? Did you just decide you no longer wanted to be with me?"

"Buffy...I didn't tell you because..." God, how could he tell her? He had already hurt her so much already.

"Why?" she demanded furiously. She crossed her arms over her chest in a defensive stance.

He had two reasons why he never told her but he didn't know which answer to use. He choose the easier route...blaming himself...

"Because I fell in love with someone else!" he finally blurted out. There...that felt better...unfortuntely Buffy didn't feel the same. He didn't have time to duck, one of the cons of being a human...poor reflexes. Her fist came up and struck his chin, knocking him onto the ground. He managed to  whisper her name before blackness overtook him.

Part 3

(somwhere there must be a place for dreams that should have been...where a love like ours can stand the test of time...)

Angel slowly found his way out of the darkness. Buffy was kneeling above him, calling his name in concern. He blinked a couple times until a very blurry Buffy came into focus. His jaw felt like someone took a sledgehammer to it...and his head...ugh he couldn't even describe *that* pain.

"Angel!" she cried, taking his arms and pulling him up into sitting position. He winced when she ran her fingertips over his jaw. The bruise had already turned a dark purple.

"I am sooo sorry." she told him, "I guess my anger overlooked the fact that you're human now...I really am sorry."

He pulled his knees up, resting his elbows on them. He rotated his neck slowly before looking at her. "I don't really blame you for clocking me like that...I guess I deserved it."

Buffy glanced down and shrugged. "Not necessarily...I was being selfish...*again*. I guess I just assumed..." she sighed, not bothering to finish the sentence. She *had* assumed Angel would always love her and want her...wasn't that what forbidden love was all about?

Angel smiled at her with concern. "I didn't mean for it to happen..." he began but stopped. He somehow couldn't find the words to explain to her everything. He hadn't been ready for the fact that she was still able to cloud his brain.

Buffy nodded, understanding his hesitation. "Angel...we've been over for a long time...I guess it's my fault. I assumed that someday...I had *hoped* that someday...."

Angel sighed as he reached out and slid his fingers over a piece of her blonde hair. Their eyes met and for a moment, Buffy felt it again. That electric spark. The connection. She wondered if he felt it too.

"Who is she?" she whispered, still gazing into his eyes.

Angel was silent for a few moments, his eyes fixed on hers, before realizing she had asked a question. "Huh?" How was it that they seemed to be inching closer to one another on the floor?

"The new gir...woman...in your life...what's her name?" she asked softly. She could hear nothing but their heavy breathing. She felt a little triumphant when she saw the desire in his eyes.

"Who..?" he asked, leaning in closely to her. Their lips met briefly before the voices and door jiggling snapped Angel back into reality. He jumped up from the floor quickly, pulling Buffy  with him before letting of her hand.

The door opened noisily and Cordelia and Fred entered, laughing and carrying many shopping bags. Angel stuck his hands guiltily in his pants pockets and mustered up a fake smile for them. However, Buffy noticed Cordelia's smile quickly diminish when she spotted her.

"Buffy...what are you doing here?" she asked in her phony I'm-so-happy-to-see-you voice. Buffy smiled back, but also noticed the glare Cordy shot Angel.

"I just stopped in for a little visit...I was..visiting my father." she lied, shrugging. "How are you?"

"Oh I'm great, thanks. Never been better. You?"

"Same..." Bufy watched Cordelia lay her bags on the couch and walk over next to Angel. The other brunette who entered still stood on the lobby stoop, unsure of what to do. Fred remembered some time ago hearing Buffy's name...she was the girl who died and came back...Angel's first love.

There was a silent moment before Cordelia crossed her arms and smiled coldly.

"Well, I think it's great that you came to visit! And you seem pretty calm...it's really big of you to overcome this awkwardness."

Buffy glanced at Angel, then back at Cordelia again. "What do you mean....? It's not awkward at all..." she stopped when she noticed Cordelia hook her arm around Angel's and pull him close.

"Ooohh..." Buffy whispered, staring at their joined arms...and hips...Cordelia was marking her territory.

"Buffy..."

"You...her...together...you're kidding right?" Buffy interrupted, still observing their arms before glancing up again at them.

"Buffy I can explain..." Angel said taking a step towards her, but Cordelia held him back, holding onto his hand possessively.

Buffy ignored him. "Well...congrats Cordy...you finally nabbed him."

"It was only a matter of time." Cordelia replied, studying Buffy. "It was only natural for things to progress romantically between us...working so close together and all."

Angel closed his eyes briefly, knowing Cordelia was purposely trying to hurt Buffy...

"Yeah...only natural...look, I should go." she murmured, looking at Angel one last time. She hoped..prayed he would say something. Maybe it's a joke, she thought, the pain filling her soul.

But he was silent, his eyes pleading with hers to understand.

"Okay, see ya!" Cordelia said brightly, not moving from Angel's side. Buffy nodded and walked quickly to the door. The door slammed behind her and Buffy waited until she was behind the wheel of her mother's jeep before letting the tears come. She cried for about twenty minutes before she finally felt empty. Angel and Cordelia...it was so...there wasn't a bad enough word to describe it.

Sighing, Buffy started the jeep. If there was any doubt in her mind that she and Angel were over...there wasn't any longer. Glancing back at Hyperion, she mentally said goodbye to him one last time, before heading home.

(in a perfect world you would still be mine)

Part 4

every night I ask why...but I get no reply...there are no answers in the moonlight, no comfort in the moonlight)

Months passed since Buffy visited Angel. She had cried herself to sleep almost every night for the first month...then she vowed to move on. She couldn't revolve her life around Angel...no matter how badly she wanted too.

Summer settled in Sunnydale...it was stifling hot every day, but the sun was shining, birds were chirping and Buffy was determined to get over Angel once and for all.

She kept herself busy so her mind wouldn't start to wander towards their 'almost' kiss...and then to the image of Cordelia...holding Angel...*her* Angel. She worked double shifts at the Doublemeat Palace during the week, patrolled after...usually Saturday nights were reserved for her friends.

She received comfort from Willow *and* surpisingly Xander when she returned home that nigh..although Xander seemed to be insulted himself when he found his ex-girlfriend was dating former "Dead Boy".

Buffy went on a couple dates...nothing special. The guys she dated were boring and...well..normal. She always found herself comparing them to Angel, which she knew wasn't fair to them, so she never let any of the progress.

She was satisfied with herself. Sure, she still thought about him almost every single day...but the overwhelming misery she felt for the first few months slowly dissolved into a dull aching pain. And she was sure she was improving.

Buffy finished brushing her hair in the bathroom and studied her reflection for a moment.  What was it about her that guys didn't want? Why did they always want the popular cheerleaders like Cordelia. Buffy shook her head, scolding herself for letting the bitterness rise. She shook it off and walked into her bedroom calling goodnight to Dawn along the way.

But she didn't climb into bed...instead she sat in her chair near the window and stared out into the night. Her window was open and she felt comforted somehow by the warm breeze flowing inside. She leaned back in the plush cushion, enjoying the sensation of peace. It was one of those nights. It was almost becoming a pattern...she wouldn't think of Angel all day, but then when she was alone at night in her room...her mind was filled with memories of him. She would torture herself and wonder if he was really in love with Cordelia, as he claimed. She would wonder if he smiled at her and laughed with her. On really bad nights, like tonight, she would wonder if he found absolute joy in kissing her...and touching her and....

Arg! She had to stop doing this to herself. Angel was with someone else...he's happy. She needs to get over it! God, why can't she just get over it!?

She laid her head back and closed her eyes. A few minutes passed before she felt him. His fingertips trailed up her arms softly as if she were fragile. She rolled her head to the side and felt his lips against her throat before pulling her up against him. The breeze blew through her hair as she sighed. His hands made their way up, his fingers gently grasping the sides of her face. She felt her own arms lift around his back, pulling him even closer. She could feel his hot breath against her skin as the moonlight poured in over their bodies. His lips were everywhere...on her cheeks, her eyelids, her nose and finally...they kissed with such passion it took her breath away. Everything inside her seemed to burst at once as her hands slid through his thick hair. They kissed each other feverently for what seemed like hours...until he finally pulled away, still framing her face with his hands.

"I love you Buffy..." he whispered.

Buffy jolted, her eyes searching the darkness. She twisted around in her chair to glance at the clock. It was close to three in the morning. When did she fall asleep? Exhaling loudly, she sat up from the chair and looked out the window. There were no signs that Angel had been there. It had been a dream. But it was so real. Her mind wandered to a few years ago, during Christmas...she had dreamt about him then too...and it was the same feeling. Like it had happened. She lifted her fingers to her lips. They were still warm from his touch.

Blinking back tears, Buffy turned from the window and crawled into bed. It looked like all she had now of Angel were dreams...

******

L.A.

Angel's eyes shot open wide, his breathing fast and deep. He sat up quickly and glanced at his clock. Ten minutes until three a.m. He glanced down, grateful that Cordelia was still sleeping and quietly got out of bed. He walked into the bathroom, leaning against the sink on both arms for support. His heart was racing....it was a feeling he was still getting used too.

He noticed his lips were a little pink, as if he had been kissing for hours. He swallowed before slowly lifting his arm and inhaling the scent of his shirt. Buffy's scent.

Part 5

(sometimes it seems so unfair...like the universe just doesn't care...that it could tear our two souls apart)

Buffy woke the next day to, of all things, birds chirping outside her window. She pulled the covers back over her head and shut her eyes tightly. Why was it that the sun had to be shining and birds singing everytime she felt miserable? She immediately remembered her dream...she and Angel kissing in the moonlight. She had wished it were real...she was almost convinced it *was* real...but while her heart prayed for hope...her mind told her to forget the dream and continue working on forgetting him.

So typical, she sighed, finally mustering the strength to throw the blankets off and climb out of bed. She grabbed her clothes and headed for the shower.

Fifteen minutes later, Buffy dressed and dried her hair. She groaned silently when she remembered her six o'clock shift at Doublemeat Palace. Dawn had to be at her job at the Sunnydale Library at five thirty. Another day of constant running around. Her days had become so predictable. What ever happened to the 'good old days'...no job, just fun! And patrolling..and apocalpyses...and dying...okay so those weren't really the 'good old days', but she preferred slaying life to facing the real world. Slaying was so much easier.

She made her way to the kitchen, her face twisting in disgust as she watched Dawn chow down on some strange looking glop.

"What..." she nodded towards the plate, "is that?"

Dawn smiled between bites. "Well, its eggs...July 4th is coming up so I decided to be festive...I used food coloring...red and blue...but it kinda of mixed together and made this brownish color...still tastes good!"

Buffy shook her head and began pouring juice. Dawn reached over and pushed the mail towards Buffy. "Bills, bills...."

"And more bills." Buffy finished for her. She rifled through, occassionally tossing aside junk mail to be thrown out. She paused when she saw the business sized envelope addressed to her. At the top right corner was only an address...from England. For a moment, she thought Giles had written her...but the envelope looked too formal, even for Giles' taste. Curious, she opened the envelope, pulling out a single sheet of paper.

She read it through carefully...then re-read it again. Dawn looked up from her eggs, concerned that Buffy's face had gone so pale.

"Is everything okay?" she asked quietly. Buffy looked up from the letter, quickly stuffing it back into the envelope.

"Yup!" she answered brightly, though her eyes were still troubled. "It's just...uh...my credit card bill."

Dawn smiled, a little relieved. "Yup, those things'll bury ya!" Buffy nodded as Dawn grabbed her backpack and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Buffy called after her, picking up Dawn's half-eaten plate of eggs. Dawn shot her a funny look before opening the side door.

"Uh..school?"

"Aren't you late? Its almost nine!" Buffy reminded her, glancing at the clock on their microwave.

Dawn folded her arms across her chest. "Buffy, I'm a junior now remember? Upperclassmen don't have to be at school until nine." she said proudly.

Buffy smiled slowly. "Oh...silly me. Well, have a good day..." She turned towards the sink full of dishes when Dawn shut the door behind her.

Buffy studying the dirty pots and pans before scraping off leftovers eggs in the garbage disposal and laying it on top of the over plates. She would worry about that stuff later. Buffy grabbed the opened letter and headed for the living room. She had to call Giles.

****

That night, Buffy had the same dream as the night before...it didn't matter where she fell asleep...the couch, her bed...it was always the same. And Angel always came to her. Then she would wake up a little before three, and for a moment...only a moment, reach out to hold him. But he was never there. He was in L.A., with Cordelia.

The dreams happened every night for weeks...some nights she tried staying awake, but drowsiness always overcame her. She occassionally wondered if it were some kind of sign...some message. But she could never think of a logical reason for them. And she was too embarassed to talk to Willow or Xander about it. They would just feel sorry for poor Buffy who can't get over her ex-vampire lover who has had no problem moving on.

Finally, one breezy July evening, Buffy lay in bed, her eyes staring at the ceiling, counting the different paint patterns. She was getting better at staying awake. She glanced over to her bedside clock and sighed. Already two in the morning. And tonight she was feeling restless. There had to be something she could do to kill the time before sunrise.

Twenty minutes later, Buffy was walking quietly around the cemetary, stake in her hand. She was probably crazy to think there would be any slaying going on...but this was Sunnydale, and you just never knew. She listened to the crickets and suddenlt felt at peace with herself. All worries seemed to vanish and she closed her eyes, inhaling the summer air. It was such a perfect night...a clear sky with a large glowing moon...a soft summer breeze. Even if it was very early in the morning.

This was definitely better than sleeping...it was definitely better than dreaming about Angel...well...sort of. When she was dreaming, the world was perfect...it was the waking up she dreaded, because reality was always harsh.

Buffy began walking again, but she didn't get far before stopping suddenly. Her heart skipped a beat as she waited. She didn't dare turn around...not yet.

"Buffy?" the voice called, no more than ten feet behind her. Her breath hitched quickly as she turned towards the visitor, and found herself gazing into his face.

"Hey...." Angel greeted, a small grin on his face.

Part 6

(where did it all go wrong? we couldn't survive the winter storm...)

"Angel." Buffy muttered, quickly reaching up and smoothing her hair. What was he doing here? she wondered, panicking. He stood where he was. The wind rippled through his hair and he smiled softly at her. She looked like a deer caught in headlights, he mused, curious as to why she was so jumpy.

"Hey...sorry if I startled you..."

"No big...I-I knew you were there..." she informed him quietly. More like she felt him....she could always feel him when he was near.

They were silent for a moment, staring at each other...waiting to see who would make the next move.

"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked finally...her heart skipped another beat when he took a step forward towards her. God he was gorgeous...even being human didn't take away that dark mysterious, penetrating eyes....sexy arms....

"Huh?" she snapped out her fantasy, realizing he was speaking to her. He just grinned again.

"I asked if we could talk...I have a lot to say..." he waited for the rejection. She had every right to tell him to go to Hell, but he prayed she would at least hear him out.

"Okay..." she wondered what he could possibly have to say to her...maybe he's marrying Cordelia...maybe they're already married! Maybe she's pregnant...

"Buffy?" He noticed she looked lost in thought...she hadn't moved since he arrived.

"Hmmm? Oh...sorry. So what did you have to talk about? And why so late?"

He shrugged, observing the cemetary before looking at her. "I guess no time like the present."

She nodded and moved towards him. Together they began walking towards town. She didn't want to bring him to her home...because when he left again, she would have his scent everywhere, and it would drive her crazy.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the whole human thing...or Cordelia." he began, afraid to look down at her as she walked beside him, her head cast towards the ground.

"I understand...I'm wasn't..I'm *not*..." she corrected, "a part of your life anymore. I shouldn't expect to know everything that goes on with you."

"No, see, you should. You made me who I am today Buffy...before you, I was nothing. You saved my life so many times...you made my exsistance worth something. You have every right to be curious about me..." he paused, waiting for her reaction. She said nothing, so he continued.

"When Connor was born, my first thought was to protect him. Which is understandable considering the circumstances. But my second thought was of you..."

She looked up at him, her eyes wide with shock. "Me? Why?"

He glanced over at her. "I suddenly had a child. For years I had wished it was our baby...but it wasn't. And though we couldn't have that, I wanted you to be there, so badly. To help me. I had this silly fantasy of us raising him together...being a family. At those times I had forgotten about the curse, and everything else that kept us apart."

Buffy said nothing. What could she say? She had thought about having a family with Angel from the beginning. Until the day he left her, she had clung to that hope. Her heart melted a bit, knowing now he had wanted the same.

"But you weren't there...no matter how badly I wanted you to be. But Cordelia was." He felt her tense up beside him, and immediately wanted to comfort her, but he knew she would reject his touch, instead he tried explaining it to her.

"She helped me with Connor...she was so sweet and caring and strong..."

"I don't need her measurements." Buffy said softly...only half-joking. She hated hearing him say Cordelia's name. He said it with such affection and tenderness...it made her physically ill.

"I'm not trying to hurt you Buffy..."

"I know." she interrupted quickly, "I'm sorry...go ahead."

"She was great with Connor, and I found myself having feelings towards her...I was a bit confused by them. I didn't know what it meant, or what would happen...I came to see you, to talk to you about it."

She stopped walking and stared at him. "You came here? I never saw...why didn't you...?"

Angel faced her, pain evident in his eyes. "It doesn't matter..."

Confused, Buffy tiled her head, studying his face. "Something happened...what was it?"

Angel took a moment, glancing around the deserted streets of downtown Sunnydale. He didn't want to get into any arguements with her...even as a vampire, she could still kick his butt.

"Angel?" she asked impatiently, all but tapping her foot.

"I came here...my conscience wouldn't let me have feelings for Cordelia without the overwhelming guilt. I felt like I was...cheating on you somehow."

She knew the feeling. It took her months to get over that feeling with Riley.

"I came to your house...Dawn said you were out patrolling so I decided to look for you..." he trailed off, avoiding her eyes. "I saw you...and Spike...and I don't think you guys were patrolling."

Stunned, Buffy sat down limply on the sidewalk bench. Embarassment and shame engulfed her. She had feared her friends finding out..she had feared Dawn finding out. But she had never imagined Angel would find out..let alone *see* she and Spike. She was mortified. No wonder she stopped loving her. How could he after she slept with...Spike?

Angel sighed, and reluctantly sat beside her. She didn't look at him, she stared straight ahead and he could see the apparent humiliation.

"Buffy, it's okay...I'm not judging you."

"Aren't you?" she snapped, "You had to have...no contact for almost two years."

"Okay...I did at the time." he admitted. "I don't even know how I stumbled into his crypt...it was a guess. But I wanted to grab him a pummel him. Beat him to a bloody pulp. I almost did, but something told me to back off...go home. You weren't mine anymore. You had your own life and I had mine. So I left. But that stayed with me."

"I'm so sorry." she whispered, tears threatening to fall. He took her hand tightly. She looked down at their joined hands before looking up at him, her eyes watery and wide.

"Don't be...like I said, I had no right to be there in the first place. And when I came home...Cordelia...was there. And I finally asked her out...partly because of these feelings I had, but also because of my jealousy. I had to find someway to get over the image of you and Spike and she had always been there...and we had been together ever since."

A tear finally found it's way down her cheek. He was with Cordelia because of her...if she hadn't been with Spike...maybe he would have found her and he would realize he loved her and only her and....

Buffy shook her head slowly, there was no point in dwelling on the past.

"I'm happy for you two..." she told him, slowly pulling her hand from his. "I'm sorry I came that day...if I had known..."

"I was glad you came Buffy," he looked away from her, wishing his hand was still holding hers. "Seeing you again was...well I can't tell you."

"Do you love her?" she whispered.

"Yes..." he said simply, not meeting her eyes. She nodded again, sighing silently.

"Which is pretty inconvenient..." he told her. She looked at him curiously.

"Why?"

"Because I'm in love with you...."

Part 7

(in a perfect world..where one day you'll be mine)

"Wh...what?" she questioned, not quite sure of what she just heard.

"I'm in love with you..." he repeated, hoping her reaction would be a positive one.

Buffy stood quickly before whirling around back to Angel.

"You're in love with me and Cordelia?"

Angel continued to sit, he usually liked to stay calm...Buffy was the one who had to move...it was the best way for her to think clearly. It was one of the things he loved about her.

"Buffy, I love Cordelia..."

"I won't be second best...I *can't* be second best..." she interrupted. "I won't share your heart with Cordelia, or *anyone*..."

"No, Buffy...let me finish. I love Cordelia...but it's not the love I feel with you. I'm *in* love with you. There's a big difference." he clenched his hands together as she stood, staring down at him, still unsure of what to say.

"But...you're still with her." she said meekly. This couldn't be happening. Maybe she was dreaming again...and she would wake up, alone, in her bed, and none of this would be happening.

Angel stood and walked to her. He reached up and slid his finger down her cheek. Oh no, she thought, this was definitely real.

"No, we're not together...anymore anyway." he informed her, resisting the temptation to kiss her. Buffy caught herself nuzzling his hand with her cheek, a little embarassed, she pulled away.

"You left her?" she asked, hating the sneaking feeling of pleasure inside.

"Actually, she left me..." he stopped suddenly when Buffy shot him an angry look.

"Angel, I'm not going to be rebound girl for you just because Cordelia dumped you. If you think I'm going to come crawling to you now, you're dead wrong!" she told him proudly and stormed off.

Angel cursed himself loudly and ran after her. He caught her arm and pulled her around to face him.

"I'm not here because she left me...I was going to leave her Buffy, but she beat me to it..." he hurried on when Buffy rolled her eyes in disbelief. "She knew that I loved you Buffy, that I never stopped. You know Cordelia...she has a lot of pride and she said exactly what you said...she wasn't going to be second best."

Buffy stopped struggling and swallowed. "And you let her go?"

"Yeah...I did. All I could think about was you, ever since you walked in Hyperion...everything changed. I tried to forget you, I tried to focus on my relationship with Cordelia. But then I started having these dreams...."

Buffy caught her breath as she listened to Angel describe the exact dreams she had been having.

"They felt so real that I could still smell you when I woke up." Angel said, remembering. He noticed Buffy had gone pale. "What is it?"

She laughed softly. "It's almost unbelievable...but I had those same dreams...every night for weeks!"

Angel smiled back at her, pulling her close. "It seems the Powers That Be knew what they were doing after all...I'm just sorry it took this long."

He leaned down to kiss her, concerned when she pulled away.

"Angel, this is just so hard to comprehend. I mean, what are you planning on doing? Are you just going to leave your work in L.A.?" She knew not to get her hopes up...because with Angel, there were always pitfalls.

"Buffy, since Connor died..and Wolfram and Hart was destroyed...there's been very little, if not *any* demon interaction. It's been very quiet...so much so that Wesley, Fred and everyone else have gotten real jobs...with the occassional slay. I have a normal life now...and I want it with you..."

She closed her eyes briefly, reveling in those words. She had waited years to hear those words. "I know the feeling." she said, smiling softly. She leaned up to kiss him when suddenly it was he who pulled back.

"You're the Slayer, Buffy...I can help you as much as I can here...but I don't want to be a distraction to you...it could get you killed..." he told her, worry lining his face.

She smiled again and pulled him close. "You don't need to worry about that..."

He couldn't help himself as he wrapped his arms around her waist. "But I do worry..and I will."

"As of August 16th, we won't have to worry about anything ever again."

Perplexed, Angel looked down at her in question. She lifted her hands into his hair. "Faith is going to be released soon, fully rehabilitated...she agreed to take over the Slayer job...which means I retire."

"But...are you sure? This isn't some trick?" he asked, although he was happy for both Faith *and* Buffy.

"The council sent me a letter...they formally released me of my duties once Faith is free..and if for some reason that turns out to be a mistake...they have another chosen one all lined up." she said happily, craving to kiss him.

"Unbelievable." he told her, smiling happily. He leaned down and they kissed passionately. It was everything she remembered and more. Minutes turned to hours as they held each other.

When at last they pulled apart, Buffy gazed into his eyes. "I love you."

He took her by the hand as they started down the streets of Sunnydale. "I love you too...let's go home."

The moon shined brightly down upon them. The Slayer and her Angel, who would now just become a normal girl in the arms of her normal boyfriend... who through the pain and darkness, found light in each others souls once again.

(and they lived happily ever after :) )