TITLE: You                                                                                                            

AUTHOR: Sara (so don't steal it! not that you would want to but still!)
E-MAIL: buffyased20@yahoo.com
DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything that I can be sued for, for saying I own! (does that make sense?)
TIMELINE/SYNOPSIS: After Dead Things...Buffy takes a walk and reflects on the three men in her life.                                                                                                             

SPOILERS: Don't know...'Dead Things' and everything before.       
FEEDBACK: PLEASE SEND ME FEEEDBACK! :):) I thrive on it plus it motivates me to keep writing!
RATING: er dunno..PG-13

*there's always something in the way...there's always something getting through..but it's not me, it's you*

Buffy walked alone, through downtown Sunnydale, her arms crossed against her chest to brace herself against the chilly February air. Strange she had forgotten her jacket.

After she wept on Tara's lap, embarassment and shame engulfed her and she quickly made excuses and left the house, ignoring Tara's pleas to stay. What did she think she would do? Run to Spike for another boink? Not going to happen. Ever. Again.

Sighing, Buffy shook her head. Who was she kidding? She couldn't resist him. No matter how hard she tried...no matter how hard she resisted. God, don't I have the best taste in men? she thought bitterly to herself. A vampire with a soul, farm boy by day, commando by night and a vampire with a chip. A *chip*! She allowed a small chuckle to pass through her lips. It felt strange...like it just didn't go. She couldn't remember how many times she had laughed since she came back from heaven. Not enough...not nearly enough.

Riley made her laugh. A lot. It was one of the things she loved most about him. But she always felt a little resentful underneath all the laughter. If Riley could make her laugh so much, why couldn't he make her fall in love with him? She had tried, Lord help her, she had tried so hard. I mean, what wasn't to like? He was attractive, funny, wholesome. The boy next door. He grew up in frickin' Iowa for pete's sake! And to top it off, he was strong, and he fought demons. She hadn't had anyone to fight demons with since....well...Angel...and he had always been the problem in her feelings for Riley.

Buffy turned a left at Main Street and continued down towards the cemetary. Maybe a little slaying would take her mind off of everything. But she found herself straying again. She missed Riley sometimes. She didn't know why. Probably because if he was here, she wouldn't be in this mess. She wouldn't be doing what she was doing with Spike. Of course, she thought to herself, take the easy way out and blame someone else.

She was sorry Riley left. She was sad she couldn't tell him that. That night was still a blur, slaying, Xander...running. She ran so hard. She ran to salvage something of their relationship. She didn't want to see it fail. But as she ran, she remembered thinking that maybe...just maybe...if she had ran fast enough to Angel, he wouldn't have left. Why did they always leave her? Angel...then Riley. Probably Spike.

She had to be honest with herself for once. She loved Riley...but she wasn't in love with Riley. And there was a huge difference. When they made love, she had reached the peak many times, but it always felt so empty. It didn't help that Angel had always been in the back of her mind...and heart.  Xander had told her that she shouldn't give up on Riley. That she was blind to the love that was before her. Screw that. She hadn't been blind. She just avoided it. Did Xander honestly think she would get over Angel so soon? Riley had been comfort. Riley helped her heart heal ten times faster than it would have, had he not been there. But Riley had been rebound boy.

Buffy closed her eyes tightly. God that was a horrible thing to say. He had loved her so much. He had done everything for her. Everything but understand her. He didn't want the Slayer in her. He had just wanted Buffy. And isn't that what she always wanted? Someone to love her for who she truly was, not the fact that she could kick anyone and anything's butt?

Maybe. But that was before she accepted her slayer duties. She had become interested in her destiny. She had suddenly accepted that being a Slayer was part of who she was. And Riley had never been comfortable with that. He wanted to be in control...and she was not a girl that was controllable. Until now, she sighed thinking of Spike. Just as quickly as the thought came, she pushed it away.

She wondered if she would ever see Riley again. If he was even still alive. Maybe he found a girl who deserved him...maybe...If she did see him, if he did return to her, she would apologize for everything. But nothing would be the same between them again. She was also sorry for that. Hopefully, someday, she would have the chance to tell him.

Turning, Buffy entered the cemetary, and headed towards Spike's tomb.

Part 2

sometimes ignorance rings true. but hope is not in what i know. not in me. in you.*

Buffy walked at a leisurely pace towards Spike's crypt. She spent many nights there lately. Never sleeping over. She wasn't ready for that...too...intimate.  She asked herself the same questions all the time. Why did she go to him, even when she tried to resist? Why does she give in so easily? And why was she so afraid of being caught.

Because it's *Spike*. She knew exactly how her friends would react. Willow would pretend to be happy and supportive, but she would be worried about Buffy and a little grossed out. Xander would just have a fit. He would be so disgusted with her. He even mentioned that only losers would date Spike. She would probably lose them. Maybe not completely, but a part of them would detach from her. And that would kill her.

Buffy found herself a couple feet away from the door of Spike's crypt. She stood in the dark, staring. Not sure whether or not she should go inside. A couple hours with Spike would make everything easier. No, she told herself firmly. She had to try and get this out of her system. For her sake, for her friend's sakes.

Buffy continued towards his crypt, but found the strength to walk past it, deeper into the cemetary, into the fog.

Dawn would be the worst, if she found out. How many nights had Buffy told her she was working at the Doublemeat Palace, but instead spent the evening with Spike. Instead of Dawn. Dawn would see it as Buffy not caring for her anymore. She would see it as Buffy wanting to spend time with the undead instead of her own sister.

But isn't that how it is? Buffy wondered, shivering against the night air. It wasn't that she didn't want to spend time with Dawn. She did. But everytime she hung out with Dawn or Willow, or Xander and Anya, she felt...misplaced. And Tara had discovered that nothing was mentally or physically wrong with her. So it was just Buffy's emotions. It was her fault she felt this way.

Tears threatened again, but Buffy impatiently shook them off. No more tears, she told herself. When had she gotten so weak? Her friends were noticing the change inside her, and they were worried, she knew. But Spike also knew. And he loved it. She wanted her to stay with him. In the dark.

That was one of the reasons Buffy knew she would never love Spike. He didn't love her as he claimed he did. It was infactuation. Obsession. He loved the Slayer part of her. The dark creature that lurked in her body. In some twisted way, sleeping with the Slayer was Spike's pride and joy. She knew he didn't care much for the actual Buffy Summers. The regular girl. She bored him.  She was the one always pushing him away, telling him to leave her alone. She was the one trying to do what was right and live a normal life. Working, raising Dawn, hanging out with her friends. But no, Spike didn't want her. He wanted the killer inside her. Because he was a killer himself. That's why he tried so hard to convince her she was alone without him. He told her so many times that she had come back wrong and no one would understand her. So many times that she had begun to believe him.

But she didn't trust him. She could sleep with him, but she couldn't trust him. Yeah, he could do no harm. But no physical harm. Spike was still able to lie, steal or anything else that could cause pain. She just had to keep reminding herself of that..because her instincts told her it was just a matter of time before the old Spike began to reimerge.

Buffy found herself on the other side of town, near the Bronze. The music was loud, the room crowded with dancing bodies. She decided not to enter...the last thing she wanted was to see someone she knew. She needed to be alone. Taking a left, Buffy started walking through downtown Sunnydale. There were dozens of couples, friends and families roaming the streets, but Buffy didn't hear or see any of them. She felt so empty inside.

She laughed a little to herself. How funny was it that Riley hadn't wanted the Slayer in her, and Spike had. But Spike didn't want the regular girl, and Riley had. She just couldn't win with men. There was always something wrong with her that they rejected.

Buffy thought about turning back to Spike's. Why not? Maybe she would feel something besides numbness and doubt. She stopped briefly, considering, before continuing to walk home again. No. She reminded herself that she would never love Spike. And the more she went to him, the deeper he fell. And in the end, it would bring consequences. She already felt guilty for using him like she was...not that he seemed to mind...but when it all came full circle, her rejection of him would bring nothing but trouble.

And trouble was all she seemed to find with vampires...ecspecially Angel.

Buffy let her mind wander away from Spike...as her heart slowly began to wander towards memories of another love....

to be continued.