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Title: Away At Last
Author: Ashlee
E-mail: RubysAndPearls@aol.com
Disclaimer: Sadly, Joss owns them all.
Distribution: Just tell me where it is going.
Pairing: Duh! B/A and some C/A but not enough
to make someone gag.
Rating: PG-13...R? I'm never good at these.
Timeline: Buffy just came back from the grave and
for the sake of my sanity and the story, there is no
Connor.
Summary: When Buffy died, she *did* go to Hell, not Heaven
so the Scooby Gang takes her to the only person who could help.
******
Willow sucked in a breath and stared hesitantly over the coffin to look at their dead friend to make sure she wasn't ... dead. They had been in the graveyard all night and she was drained from the overuse of dark magic. The redhead was leaning on her girlfriend, Tara, and staring like everyone else at the open coffin.
Buffy sucked in a deep breath for the first time in several months. Her lungs burned from not being used and she blinked back rapid tears that suddenly appeared in her eyes. She looked in horror at the setting around her. She was laying on something soft and all she could look up at was the dark sky. What had just happened? Another trick. I'm not safe, I'm not safe, don't let your guard down, Buffy chanted to herself. Though, she felt like bursting into sobs. She was in a coffin, but this time, the coffin wasn't under the ground. She didn't have to crawl her way out just to appear in another God damn coffin.
There was no pain for right now. Maybe if she didn't move a muscle then none would come. The demons wouldn't come back. Don't let them come back. Why was she praying? The blonde silently whimpered, God couldn't hear her here.
Buffy had to bite her lip from screaming in fear when she saw someone looking over a coffin. She hated giving them the satisfactory of screaming. He looked familiar, someone she used to care for, someone that hurt her over and over again for years. The demons were back already. No! Not when she almost had one minute of peace...
"Buffy!" Xander shouted in joy. Buffy looked around wildly and shrunk back when he tried to reach for her. Buffy mentally winced. She would pay for that. She closed her eyes tightly, she would get more pain if she fought. Those bastards like it when people give in but everyone did sooner or later.
Buffy wanted nothing more than to curl in a fetal position but the small coffin confined her painfully.
"Xander!" She heard someone scowl. That voice was familiar also. "Get away from her." Were they fighting over who gets to kill her first? It didn't matter, she was always brought back. No one ever truly dies in Hell.
Buffy watch in anxiety as a redhead came into view. They were not in their demon masks but she knew who they really were.
"Buffy?" Her voice was soft and warm and it took a lot of Buffy's mental will not to be sucked in. She was not safe. She was not safe, Buffy chanted to herself.
"Buffy?" Willow said hesitantly. "Its me, Willow. Can you understand me?" She bit her lip, the insane look on her friend's face was more than enough to scare the hell out of her.
The words blurred together and Buffy's sensitive hearing couldn't really pick up anything. There was no pain yet. God, this had to be another trick. Don't let it be another trick. Tears blurred her vision and a sob escaped from her. This was all too real.
"Lets get her home. There she could rest, I don't think a graveyard is a perfect place for her to be right now." Giles whispered. Looking at the mental state his slayer was in was going to give him nightmares for weeks. He couldn't really believe that he allowed Willow to cast such a dangerous spell but he was suddenly glad for it. The gang had called them in England, telling him that there was a chance that his slayer could come back. He never really believed that she was in Hell. How could something so pure go to such a dreaded place?
"Becareful. She is disoriented so let Xander take her." Giles advised to Willow who reached out for her friend. Xander winced at Buffy's loud terrified scream as he reached and picked her up.
*****
Giles rubbed his temples and stared down at the cooling cup of tea before him. He was sitting in the Summer's living room with the rest of the gang. Dawn was in LA with her father, away from all the tragedy. They had given Buffy something strong enough to calm her and have her asleep for at least a day. When Xander had put her in the she car she had stopped her screaming and just curled into a tight ball, closing her eyes. She jumped and whimpered when somebody touched her and Giles was pretty sure that right now she was thrashing around her bed in an obvious nightmare.
That's when he decided to come downstairs and get a class of tea. This was just too much. His poor slayer. Was he such a failure as Watcher? Was this his punish meant? A small selfish part of him wished that Willow never cast that damn spell, then he wouldn't have to see the way Buffy was. Then he would be able to go on thinking that she was in a better place.
"I've never seen her so scared before." Xander muttered, staring hard at the floor. Buffy's attitude was told to be expected but this...?
"How l-l-long was she....there?" Tara asked meekly. Anya turned to look at her.
"Well, in Hell, everything moves way faster. One day on Earth is compared to *several* years in Hell and if Buffy was gone the whole summer..." Anya shared, for once trying to be tactful.
"Nevermind." Tara muttered quickly, she didn't even want to know. Why hadn't they thought of this spell earlier? Willow was resting her head on her shoulder, she looked dazed and sad. The magic really took a toll on her.
A scream of anguish shattered the silence and everyone jumped, turning towards the staircase. Buffy.
Xander jumped to his feet quickly, "I'll see," he said and bounded up the staircase. If Buffy was having another nightmare she would have a sure scare if everyone was there staring at her. Best if he only went.
"Damnit." Giles whispered. "I feel so helpless. This is my slayer I should be protecting and I can't even keep her alive."
"Don't be hard on yourself, old man. She is alive now and I don't really see why everyone is sad. She is back! Not in the condition we left her but...Buffy is not dead anymore!" Anya supplied, looking proudly at Willow for cheering someone up.
"Thank you, Anya." Giles muttered dryly. Willow sighed and shook her head.
"Has a-anyone informed S-s-pike?" Tara asked softly.
"We weren't sure if it was going to work so we didn't see the need." Willow told her girlfriend.
"Spike?" Giles scowled.
"He has been helpful helping out Dawn and looking after the Buffy-Bot." Tara stood up for the absent blonde vampire, not really knowing why.
Xander trotted slowly down the stairs. "I stopped her screaming but she is still scared of me. I locked the window and the door but it probably won't last long. She is trying to find a way out, but when I came in she just curled up on the floor."
"She probably thinks she is in Hell still." Tara said.
"Someone needs to go talk to her. To get her to remember that she is safe." Giles replied, taking a long sip of his now cold tea.
"I will." Willow said softly. "I brought her back physically, I should be able to do it mentally."
*****
Willow walked into Buffy's bedroom and she spotted the slayer curled up on the floor in the corner. Buffy's wild and terrified eyes settled on her. Willow chewed on her lower lip and took a small step towards her. Buffy flinched back and Willow stopped in her tracks.
"Buffy?" Willow spoke softly, like coddling a small child or a cute puppy. "Buffy. That's your name. Do you remember?"
Buffy simply blinked at her, her arms loosening her grip around her legs as she looked curiously. Willow took another tiny step forward and this time Buffy didn't flinch.
"Can you understand me?" Willow whispered, not really expecting an answer but hoping for one. She kept taking small steps until she was directly in front of the blonde. Willow knelt in front of her. Buffy's shoulders were tense and her eyes were wide. She was watching Willow's hand, expecting a weapon. She was expecting this peaceful scenery to change into something horrible. Yet, none of it came. Buffy's confused mind concentrated on the woman in front of her. She looked so familiar, Buffy was sure that she was once one of her captors.
"It's me, Willow." The redhead gingerly reached over and touched Buffy's arm. The blonde nearly jumped out of her skin, closing her eyes tightly and opening her mouth to scream. She was expecting her touch to burn, she was expecting to be on fire. Then she would burn for all eternity.
But there was nothing. Buffy's eyes snapped opened and glanced at the spot where Willow touched her. Nothing was there, no burn, no mark, no pain. No pain!
Buffy stared hard at the person before her. This was going on too long without pain for this to be another one of Hell's tricks. Tears sprung to Buffy's eyes as she tried to remember who this woman was. Where she was, who she was.
"Your safe here." Willow assured gently.
"Willow?" Buffy's voice was hoarse and cracked. It was more like a moan than a word but Willow didn't care. She threw herself into her friend's arms, holding Buffy tightly to her. Buffy sobbed against her shoulder, her body shaking violently with tremors and her head plagued with memories.
Buffy held on tightly, wondering if she was going to break the redhead in half. A part of her didn't care. She was back. Oh God...
"Willow, oh God..." Buffy murmured desperately trying to speak words, to tell her how much she missed her and how grateful she was but she couldn't. Her breathing was ragged and shallow and it hurt to take deep breaths. Her muscles were sore from being stuck in a coffin for over two months.
"Oh Buffy." Willow sighed, rocking the disoriented slayer. Her sobs slowly quieted until all that was left was sniffling and tears. Buffy's wide eyes stared out in space, unseeing, blinded by memories.
*****
The next couple of days were hell, not really *Hell*, for everyone. Buffy was trying to adjust but failing terribly. She was still incredibly jumpy around everyone. It took her sometime to remember everything but she did. It was hard being around everyone when things were so unfamiliar but she couldn't push them away. She didn't want to be alone or hurt them. It was hard to be out in the sun. The light was so harsh and intense that she found herself not wanting to be outside.
"What are you thinking?" Willow asked Giles when they were alone in the kitchen. Giles has been pretty much quiet all day.
"She has been doing amazingly well these past few days, considering her circumstance. Why?" The Watcher took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes wearily.
"She has but I don't know. Something isn't right." Willow chewed her lip.
"What do you mean?"
"She seems to not really want to be around anyone. She is isolating herself, Giles. She isn't going outside, she is barely getting out of her room. If she closes up now, then there might be no chance to save her." Willow exclaimed helplessly.
Giles stared hard at the redhead before him. She had grown into a beautiful and mature woman. He was so happy that she seemed to be so responsible and yet still have the air of innocence around her.
"What do you propose?"
"I'm not sure if this is the smartest idea but maybe we should take her to somebody who knows what she is going through." Willow said slowly, staring at her hands.
"But who has been to Hell and came..." Giles stopped. "oh."
Angel.
Part 2
Leaving to LA without a warning call was not the smartest thing to do but
Willow had other things on her mind. Like the Slayer who was sitting in the
back-seat. Said Slayer had her legs tucked to her chest and her chin resting
on her knees, her unseeing eyes staring blankly out the window.
Buffy has slowly but surely been slipping away from her grasp so Willow
decided to take her to the only one who knew what she was going through.
Everyone else, besides Giles, disagreed with the idea. Xander said that Buffy
needed more time, maybe it was true but Willow didn't care. Time was Buffy's
enemy. The more time there is, the more Buffy slips away from the world.
Willow didn't expect her to bounce back as soon as she came back but Buffy
wasn't bouncing back at all. She cries in her sleep, she won't let anybody
touch her and sometimes has the crazy horror in her eyes when someone walks
in the room. Willow wasn't convinced that Buffy knew for sure that she was
out of Hell.
That's why they were driving the two hours to LA, the City of Angels...or
Angel. Giles had wanted to come but Willow thought the less people the
better. Willow felt the most responsible for the way everything was right
now. Sure, she had gotten Buffy out of that Hellish dimension but she should
have prepared for this. The Wiccan had suggested a memory erasing spell but
Tara had quickly vetoed the idea.
"We should be there soon." Willow said softly, turning her eyes away from the
road to look back at the blonde. Buffy didn't say anything or move.
"Do you need to stop for something to eat?" Willow asked, sighing. Still no
answer.
"Tell me if you need anything." The redhead tried one last time but no
response. She wasn't really excepting one. Buffy didn't really talk much ever
since her breakdown in her bedroom the day she came back. Willow stared back
at the road, she was half tempted to call Tara on her cell just to keep her
company. After another twenty minutes of driving Buffy spoke for the first
time the whole trip.
"We should be where soon?" Buffy asked as if Willow had just asked the
question right then instead of twenty-five minutes ago.
"We are going to Angel's. He is going to help you." Willow said, excited that
she was talking.
"Angel..." Buffy looked confused and furrowed her brow, trying the name on
her lips. It sounded familiar, like something sacred. It just fell from her
lips naturally. Buffy decided not to say it again, something so beautiful
shouldn't be wasted.
"Do you remember who he is?" Willow asked innocently.
Angel is a he? God? Buffy didn't answer and continued to stare at the blurs
of colors flashing past her window. Everything looked so beautiful outside,
the sun was just slipping past the horizon and darkness was settling. There
is no sun in Hell, which means no awakening sunrises or sorrowful sunsets.
Buffy let her mind go blank to hide away from the memories and screams that
were playing over and over.
"We are here." Willow said, unbuckling her seat belt and getting out of the
car. Buffy blinked in surprise, they had parked in front of a large towering
building, she must have zoned out for longer then she wanted. It was now
completely dark out and Buffy was glad. The sun made her want to crawl out of
her skin, she never felt more comfortable then when it was dark out.
Willow opened the door for the Slayer and they walked to the doors of the
Hyperion Hotel. Buffy walked slightly behind Willow but stopped in surprise.
Her heart beat had doubled and she had to take quick breaths, her stomach was
doing flip flops and her mind was blurring. What was happening to her? Buffy
looked around, her eyes darting wildly. She quickly stilled. She liked this
feeling. A feeling of peace and safety. It was of familiar and welcomed.
The witch opened the large doors of the hotel and Buffy followed her inside.
Buffy quickly took in her surroundings, tensing at the unfamiliar place.
"Hello! Welcome to Angel Investigations....er....Wesley Investigations." A
black man walked out of an office to the right and Buffy jumped in surprise,
unconsciously stepping behind Willow. This man was unfamiliar and Buffy felt
uncomfortable.
"Wesley Investigations?" Willow chuckled.
"Funny name, I know. I was thinking of changing it to Gunn Investigations."
Gunn looked at the witch strangely. She seemed familiar and Gunn knew that he
had seen her before here. He just couldn't remember whose side she was on.
"I was laughing at the 'investigations' part. It is kinda funny for a Watcher
to be running an agency." Willow grinned.
Gunn tensed and fingered the stake in his jacket pocket. Who was this girl
and why did she know so much? Gunn wasn't sure about her or the pretty blonde
behind her. Said blonde was gripping the back of Willow's jacket nervously.
"Who are you?" Gunn's voice turned from friendly and helpful to dangerous.
Willow recognized the threat in his tone and held her hands up innocently and
Buffy stiffened.
"A friend. I need to speak to Angel." Willow said quickly.
"Angel is out." Gunn lied. This mysterious girl wasn't gonna trick him.
"Could you just go and get him? Its urgent." Willow said quickly, seeing
through his lie.
"I said he was out!" Gunn snapped, louder and more threatening.
"Tell him it has to do with Buffy." Willow sighed, losing her will to fight
back. Her shoulders sagged and she closed her eyes tightly. She was exhausted
and she wanted nothing more than her friend to get better. Gunn blinked and
took a short glance at the small blonde behind the redhead. Something to do
with Buffy? Cordelia was *not* going to like this. Cordy shuddered every time
that name was mentioned. The whole investigation, well besides Angel, knew
that Cordelia had the hots for Angel.
"Yeah, sure." Gunn shrugged, a little embarrassed about his outburst. As he
turned to go up the stairs and get the vampire, he yelled out.
"Sorry about that, I didn't realize. Things have just been a little uptight
around here. Take a seat."
"I understand." Willow smiled softly at the street kid and led Buffy to the
circle couch in the middle of the lobby. Willow buried her face in her hands,
closing her eyes, getting peace for the first time in a while.
Buffy shifted uncomfortable on the strange couch so she quickly sat up and
walked around the large lobby. She noted a desk with a telephone and some
left over Chinese and posted notes. She blinked at the closed office door
where Gunn had just come from. Her enhanced Slayer hearing allowed her to
hear someone moving around in the office. Could this be where Angel is?
Curiosity got the better of her and she opened the door, looking around the
medium sized cluttered office. There was books all over the place, a desk,
teapots, scrolls, a computer and a phone. There was also a small familiar man
with glasses sitting on a chair near the desk. He was looking up at her in
shock and horror. Buffy blinked at him, before brushing him off as not a
threat and took a step into the room.
As soon as she did, the man with glasses sprung from his chair and shoved a
large wooden cross in her face, hissing.
"Willow!" Buffy screamed as she fell back, unprepared, scared and shocked.
"Back!" The man shouted, shoving the cross towards Buffy on the floor. Willow
jumped up and went quickly to defend her friend.
"Wesley!" The redhead shouted. The Watcher looked up at her in surprise then
back down to Buffy, the cross firmly in her face.
"Get that away from her! She is human, you idiot." Willow cursed, bending
over to help Buffy up. The Slayer clutched at her as she stumbled to her
feet, and glared at Wesley. She remembered him now, an ex-Watcher who always
used to boss her around.
The Watcher turned to stare at the angry Slayer. "But...but...your dead!"
"Was dead." Willow corrected.
"Ahem." Buffy gestured the cross the Wesley still unconsciously pointed at
her. She didn't like to be treated like on of Hell's creatures.
Wesley looked sheepish and put the cross down on the counter. "Right, please
excuse me. How..." He trailed off motioning to Buffy. The Slayer
uncomfortably wrapped her arms around herself, needing to feel the warmth
that she felt earlier. That feeling of peace. She could feel it still but it
was just out of reach.
"A spell." Willow muttered and returned to her seat on the couch.
"How extraordinary." Wesley muttered, staring intently at Buffy. Buffy
frowned and shivered, as if to rush the feeling of being an exhibit off of
her.
Buffy jumped quickly as strong feeling coursed through her. Her breathing
quickly became quick and she was sure she was having a heart attack. Shivers
ran up and down her spine and involuntary tears stung her eyes. She blinked
them back and tried to settle down her stomach which was trying to dislocate
from her body. Her fingers yearned for contact. Contact for what?
Buffy's body took a mind of its own as she turned towards the staircase. She
saw the African American that was in the lobby earlier and then she saw
*him*. She automatically knew who this handsome man was. Angel. The sacred
name had met its perfect match. Everything hit her in a blur. This was her
*Angel*. She was in Angel's home. She knew exactly who he was. Everyone else
was just a familiar face but how could she forget his? Oh God. She wanted to
run to him and bury her face in his chest and cry her soul out.
"Buffy." He stopped in his tracks down the stairs at Gunn's urgent and
cryptic call. Seeing Buffy was the last thing he thought would have happened.
His heart ached for her and he was wondering when he would wake up. She isn't
here. She is dead, she is dead. This is just a dream. Don't let it be a
dream. Everything is too real. His arms felt empty without her and his lips
burned for hers. He remember going away from months trying to meditate and
get over her. Now she was back. *His* mate is back. Pain gripped his heart as
he dresprately tried to comprehend that his dead beloved was standing right
in front of him.
Buffy blinked. His voice, it was deep and silky and so full of pain. She
unconsciously made a vow to do anything to relieve his beautiful voice of
agony. His voice was something to be worshipped and she felt unworthy of
being talked to. She felt tainted and dirty from the torture of Hell. She
shouldn't be here, this is wrong. She couldn't bring him into this. She
needed to shield him and protect from these horrors but she couldn't move.
Buffy knew that Angel had gone through the same thing. She could confide in
him, he would protect her from anything.
"Angel." The Slayer sighed.
"But..." Angel whimpered. She spoke, Gods, it was beautiful. This wasn't a
dream. This was real, he was awake and standing like an idiot at the top of
the stairs while she was down there. He sloppily stumbled down the rest of
the steps until he was only a yard away from her, out of reach. How could she
be alive? Had she been alive all along? Had he been lied too?
"A spell. I...we brought her back." Willow said softly, feeling guilty for
interrupting such an intense moment.
"Brought her back..." Angel muttered, not really paying attention to what the
redhead was saying. His eyes were locked with Buffy's and the whole world
fell away, everything blurred into nothing but her. She looked older and her
eyes haunted but she was still a Goddess. He felt like he was in a trance,
his muscles felt like lead and he couldn't move.
Buffy made an agitated sound between a whimper and a sob. She needed him to
hold her, touch her, talk to her in that sacred voice. Anything! Her silent
prayers were answered because as soon as she whimpered, he closed the
distance between them and his arms went around her, crushing her to his
chest. Buffy sighed in relief and buried her face in his chest. She inhaled
his scent and wound her arms around his neck, her palms soothed as she
touched his skin. She was finally safe, the feeling of peace now tightly in
her grasp.
Angel smelled her shampoo and kissed the top of her head, closing his eyes
and sighing in pure relief. It felt so good to hold her and he wondered how
the Hell he had made it this long without her. His hand rubbed soothing
patterns up and down her back and his lips whispered comforting nonsense.
Angel stilled as he smelled something different about her.
Something...horrible. Buffy quickly stiffened as Angel stopped his soothing
movements and the beautiful words that fell from his lips ceased.
Angel quickly pulled back but didn't release her from his hold. That smell
was so familiar and unwanted, he took a deep unnecessary breath. She smelled
of evil and demons, of torture and grief. Her light was dulled and her soul
was terrified. Horror and realization dawned on him. No, no, no, no! He felt
the sting of vomit in the back of his throat and buried memories of pain and
torture resurfaced.
"No...Buffy. Oh God, not you." Angel whispered, his eyes were wide with pain
and horror and he shook his head repeatedly. Tears sprung to Buffy's eyes.
She felt ashamed and dirty. She needed to get away. Insane laughter filled
her ears and she felt the heat burning her back. Pain struck her quickly, as
if she was back to Hell. Being tortured and burned and buried.
The Slayer went to step away from him but he had his arms securely around
her. She twisted and turned.
"No! Let me go! Please Angel." Buffy sobbed, weakly beating at his chest as
he shook his head. She needed to go. She couldn't stand Angel looking at her
like this, anyone but Angel.
"Stop! It's okay, stop Buffy!" Angel shouted, desperately trying to control
the wave of panic running through his Slayer and himself. Buffy didn't know
how she ended up on her knees but Angel just fell down with her, his hold on
her went from comforting and loving to restraining.
Buffy's shoulders sagged as she released a final sob and sunk against him.
She stilled completely in his grasp, giving up. She closed her eyes in defeat
and let him hold her. Her mind didn't want to believe that he didn't want to
hurt her.
Angel couldn't move. Everything was going awry. He was two seconds away from
screaming and panicking. She was in Hell. Not Heaven where she belonged. The
pain she must have been through. Oh Gods, she must have been so scared. When
he was brought back, he had Buffy to care for him and damnit, he was going to
do the same.
"It's okay. I won't hurt you, I'll never hurt you. You're not there anymore.
Gods...if anyone touches you again, I'll kill them." Angel whispered angrily,
his lips brushing against her ear. She shivered and pressed her face into his
neck. Just then, Angel remembered that half of his investigation was watching
and that he was on the floor. Angel carefully lifted Buffy in his arms and
sat down on the couch, shifting her into his lap.
"When did she come back?" Angel asked softly, stroking her hair. Buffy sighed
at the feeling of peace and blocked everything else out. She closed her eyes
for a second but quickly opened them again after seeing herself in a closed
coffin, screaming, crying, suffocating.
"Almost a week ago." Willow sighed. A week? She has been alone, in her own
world of suffering and torment for a whole God damn week!? Why hadn't he been
notified that she was even alive?
"How is she?" Angel winced, unsure of how to ask that question. He spared a
glance at Buffy, she didn't really mind that he wasn't asking her instead.
Her eyes were wide open and she was clutching a handful of his shirt. Angel
wasn't even sure if she had heard him.
"She is....better. She is starting to talk a little more but she is escaping
into herself. We thought that it would be best if we brought her to
you...since you know how this feels. You could help her." Willow said.
"I still don't understand." Gunn said, looking at Wesley for help. Wesley
shrugged helplessly.
"Hell." Angel supplied, his voice thick with emotion. "She was in Hell."
Gunn's mouth went into an O and stared at shock at the small blonde on
Angel's lap. Wesley blinked in surprise and shock.
"Oh dear..." It was quiet for a second, the only thing that could be heard
was Angel's soft cooing to Buffy.
"Haven't we all been there?" A loud tactless voice made Buffy jump and Willow
whipped around, her hands ready and poised for a spell.
"Cordelia." Willow rolled her eyes and dropped her hands, the redhead noticed
shopping bags in the brunette's hand and a shorter brunette with long curly
hair at her side.
"Hi." The small girl said sheepishly, Willow forced to smile. If that girl
was hanging out with Cordelia then she was nothing more than sheep.
Fred looked at Angel and the blonde and raised an eyebrow to Gunn. Gunn gave
her a 'don't-even-try-to-understand-because-I-don't' look. Wesley looked at
Buffy and Angel who were staring deep into eachother's eyes and decided that
they needed to be alone for a little while.
"So...Willow!" Wesley turned to the redhead. "Let me show you your room, you
should be staying here for a while."
Willow took the hint. "Right! Everyone could help show me, since I get
confused easily."
"Room showing is our specialty." Gunn linked arms with Fred and walked
upstairs along with Willow. Cordelia stayed in the same spot in the doorway,
glaring daggers at the oblivious couple on the couch. The Watcher took pity
on her. He knew how much Cordelia liked Angel, this must be tough.
"Come on." Wesley said softly. "Give them time."
Cordelia's glare turned to Wesley. "Give them time so they do it and he turns
evil?"
Wesley sighed, it was always her excuse. "He wouldn't take advantage of her
right now. She is in a lot of pain."
Cordy spun on her heel and stomped up the stairs. "So am I."
Wesley took another glance at the Slayer and vampire and walked up the
stairs.
"Bitch." Buffy muttered after they had all gone. She sighed as she crawled
out of her place on Angel's lap. She needed to move around even though
Angel's arm were comforting and peaceful. She felt strange in her skin no
matter what she did, she wasn't sure if she would ever feel comfortable
again.
"Who?" Angel asked, his eyes watching her every move. Buffy didn't answer,
she didn't need to.
"How are you?" Angel asked, watching as Buffy paced around the room.
"Dirty." She whispered, wrapping her arms around her. "Tainted."
"You look clean." Angel sighed, even though he knew what she meant.
"Only on the outside."
"Everywhere." The vampire corrected. Buffy turned to look at him, her brow
furrowed in confusion. She opened her mouth to say something but closed it
quickly.
"I know how it feels. To feel unworthy, dirty and used. It took me a long
time not to feel like that, sometimes I still feel like that, but it gets bett
er. It gets...easier." Angel continued, desparately trying to use the right
words.
Buffy made a sound that wasn't quite a laugh. "I wasn't really supposed to be
there." Angel's ears perked as he listened intently, her back was to him and
he was glad. He couldn't stand to see her if she was going to cry.
"The portal I jumped in....it messed up my direction somehow. Hell had a kick
about that." Buffy's lower lip trembled. "Slayers get special treatments."
Angel felt like throwing up over and over. He didn't want to hear this, he
would like nothing better to be deaf. He couldn't stand her pain, her
constant anguish. He couldn't stand the memories that she was bringing up. He
remembered his time in Hell oh so well. The vampire shook his head
frantically.
"Buffy..." He pleaded.
"They made me walk in circles until I threw up my insides. They wouldn't let
me stop." Buffy cried, tears slipping from her eyes.
"Stop." Angel whispered, looking away from her, closing his eyes tightly and
bolting off the couch. He couldn't just sit there.
"They showed me all the love that I couldn't have. That I would never have
again." Buffy continued, oblivious to her soulmate's torment.
"No. That's not true." Angel chanted in denial. "You weren't there, you
*couldn't* be there." He grasped handfuls of his hair, desperately trying to
block out her voice.
"They showed me hurting you over and over again."
"Stop it! Shut up!" Angel roared in frustration and pain. He snapped his eyes
open, glaring at her, half of him angry at her and half of him wishing he
could take away her pain. It was a mistake for Willow to bring her here. He
couldn't help her anymore then he could have helped himself.
"Did they do that to you too?" Buffy asked, unfazed. She turned around to
look at him, tears still staining her cheeks, her eyes puffy and red.
Angel stared at her for a long time. Didn't she understand that this was
killing him inside? "Yes."
"I'm sorry." She whispered, meaning more things than one.
"I know. Me too." He sighed and dropped his arms in defeat. Buffy walked over
to him until she is standing right in front of him, staring up at him with
her big hazel eyes. Angel welcomely drowned in their depths.
"I don't know what to do." She admitted, leaning her head on his chest. Angel
loosely wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on the top of her head.
"There is nothing you can do." Angel whispered. "All you could do is let it
go. You were in Hell and unless you want that to haunt you for the rest of
your life then you are going to have to just...let it go."
"I don't know how." Buffy whimpered. "I see it every time I close my eyes. I
hear this horrible laughter when I'm nervous and everything is just falling
apart. I'm falling apart. It feels like my mind is still there, that I'm all
not here." She promised herself that she would never open up to anyone about
this. She didn't want to burden someone else as much as she had herself. But
with Angel, everything is different. The words just fell from her mouth and
it felt so good to have him here with her.
"That's not true. Your back Buffy. Your not in that God forsaken place
anymore." Angel lifted her chin to look into her eyes once again. "Your here,
love. With me."
"Don't lie. Willow is going to take me back as soon as I am 'fixed'." Buffy
sighed, dropping her gaze.
"You can't just be 'fixed', its going to take-" Angel was cut off.
"Time." Buffy completed dryly. "I just don't know how much I have."
"Don't talk like that." Angel shushed her.
"Its funny, when I jumped into that portal I was actually happy to die. To be
free of all my duties and just to fly. Now, I would give anything to take
that moment back." Buffy whispered, blinking back the tears that surfaced.
She couldn't cry again, no more crying.
Angel cupped her cheek with his palm and the Slayer instinctively moved into
his touch. "Shh. You are so strong and precious, Buffy. You don't even know.
If you haven't jumped into that portal then your sister would have suffered
this fate. You take so many responsibilities and burdens that aren't your
own. Your a beautiful person, inside and out. Not even Hell could that away."
Buffy stared hard at him, trying to find a lie in his words. Damn him. Why
did he always have to know what made her weak inside? Why did he have to say
the right words every time? The blonde pushed herself up on her toe and
inclined her head upwards, her lips just a short distance from his. Angel
pulled her closer, leaning his head down.
"Ugh! I can't take this anymore!" Cordelia shouted from her hiding place on
the balcony. Angel growled angrily, his head snapping in the direction of her
voice. He was shocked to see that they had an audience the whole time, not
just Cordelia but the whole investigations including Willow.
"Cordy! It was just getting good! Damn you and your big-ass mouth!" Gunn
scowled. Buffy felt angry that her moment with Angel was ruined but she
couldn't help the small smile creeping on her lips. She rested her head
against his chest as she smiled for the first time since she had been back.
"I was about to throw up if I watched any more of this sweet romantic scene."
Cordy defended herself, even though she felt sick was jealousy.
"I thought it was beautiful." Fred sighed happily.
"Its quite extraordinary that someone has so much power over someone else.
Dangerous, actually." Wesley calculated, still the old brainy watcher.
"Tell me about it." Angel half smiled, playing with the ends of Buffy's soft
blonde hair. Buffy just sighed and closed her eyes. This time, there was no
scene of her in Hell behind her eyelids. Just the blackness.
"Don't mind us. Just keep doing what you were doing." Willow waved at the
couple below her.
"Yeah, where were we?" Angel smiled softly, tilting Buffy's head to catch her
lips in a bittersweet kiss. Buffy sighed happily against his lips, opening
her mouth in submission. Everything wasn't just going to be perfect again
because of a kiss but it was a start. It was going to be difficult, dealing
with her nightmares, not panicking every time someone unknown would enter the
room, dealing with her memory, it would be Hell. She would have a lot of
struggles to go through, but as long she had her Angel then everything would
be fine.
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