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Title: Push
Author: Ashlee
E-mail: RubysAndPearls@aol.comDisclaimer: HAHA! What kind of drugs are you on if your think I owned those
hellspawns?!
Distribution: Take it, damnit! Just tell me where it is going.
Rating: PG-13? R? Just not for those kiddies out there.
Pairings: B/A B/S and a bunch of other ones I can't remember.
Timeline: AU so I have no idea! I'm thinking beginning of third season.
AN: Kind of still on my dark kick so don't be surprised if there isn't
pillows of fluffiness. Angel POV
Feedback: I am willing to crawl on hands and knees for some.
******
She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little rusty, and I think my head is caving in
-Matchbox 20
******
Things were well...perfect. Were is the main key word here. Buffy and I we
were inseparable. There was that 'were' word again. I hate that word. It's so
... fuck it, I don't know what it is but I hate it.
Buffy is *my* slayer, no one else's. I remind myself of that with a sense of
pride every day but now all I feel is overwhelming doubt. I hate that too.
Sure, I'm a vampire that has one fucked up curse that makes me disabled in
the whole 'making love to Buffy' area. That can have drawbacks but it still
means that there are other ways around it. She can still get what I can't.
And she does. Everyday. I take my time and make sure she is fully completely
stated, that she comes more than once, until I allow myself to hold her until
she falls asleep. A perfect day for me. Though things haven't been going that
way lately.
*****
I smile up at her as she practically drags herself into the mansion. She
looks uneasy and shifting her weight countless times. I ignore her
uneasiness, she is sometimes like that after a hard day of training and
lectures from Giles, and take her into my arms. She relaxes after a while but
something is off, something I can't put my finger on.
"What's wrong?" I ask after a long moment of silence. She stiffens against
me. My frown grows deeper as I step back to peer at her.
"What? Nothing." She denies, staring hard at my chest. I gently stroke her
hair, rubbing soothing patterns on the small of her back.
"You can tell me, its fine." I prod. She completely steps out my embrace
which leaves me with a sense of emptiness bordering on hysteria. Anger slowly
ebbs at the back of my mind.
"I said it was nothing." She snaps, turning her back towards me. I raise an
eyebrow. Time for another round of the Slayer and Angel, her punching bag.
I sigh and hold my hands up in surrender. I won't push. Though, I make a
mental note to check on things with Giles later.
There is a long pause of awkward silence, the only thing heard was Buffy's
impatient shifting and the nervous habit of fiddling with her hands.
"I have to go." She says abruptly. We both know it is a lie. I want to say
something, get her to talk to me but bite my lip.
"Sure, I'll see for patrol then." I say, not going to let this drop that
easily. Her face whitens noticeably and a small gasp of fear and guilt
slipped from her lips. My brow furrowed. Why was she acting so strange? My
eyes narrow in suspicion.
"What's going on?" My tone from soothing to demanding.
"I have to go." She repeats and practically runs from the mansion. I banish a
growl rising my throat. Sniffing the air, unconsciously, catching a brief
wisp of her scent. Something is definitely off and I'd be damned if I just
sat here and waited for it to come to me.
So, I did what almost every man would have done if they were in my position.
I stalked her.
Okay, every guy doesn't do that but that's my fucking philosophy. I can't
really come up with a better one.
It was only about one o'clock in the morning and I was following her until
the sun went down. Nothing suspicious looking, it was just the way she acted,
the scent of a guilt and remorse smog around her. She was looking nervously
behind her back and now she had even stopped on a headstone and started to
cry.
I blinked in surprise as she buried her face in her gloves, sobbing harshly.
I quickly stepped forward, ready to comfort her, to kiss her tears away. My
heart was being shred apart by the painful and beautiful image of my lover.
When she was at her weakest point, when she cried or broke down, she is never
more stunning, never more completely gorgeous. Like some sort of a
masterpiece painting of the Madonna.
"Aww, kitten, is crying. Again? Damn, you are pathetic, slayer." The familiar
voice stops me in my step and I quickly head back into the shadows. I'm
shocked to no end and it takes me a while to fumble for the stake in my
jacket pocket. Once one of them attacks, I'll be the surprise element.
Spike throws his cigarette on the ground, smashing the embers with the heel
of his boot. Buffy looked up at him before letting out another harsh sob.
"Get away from me, Spike. You disgust me." She whimpers. And the surprises
keep coming. Why isn't she getting up and kicking her ass? Why the *fuck*
isn't he dust yet? My lips turn into a snarl and I grip my stake tightly.
"I disgust *you*? I think you got that wrong, pet. I don't blame you, you are
mad at yourself not me." Spike ignorantly says with a strong smile from on
his face. He takes a step closer to my slayer and puts an arm around her.
Before I ripped his head off with my bare hands, she pushes him away roughly.
"Don't you dare touch me." She snaps, standing up quickly. Buffy violently
wipes her tears away.
"That's what you said last night and look what happened them." Spike
chuckles, not looking at all threatened by her glare. I stiffen and my
stomach churns. I force myself to calm down. I've heard Spike say that to
many people. Doesn't mean it is true, just a way to piss people off. God, did
it work.
I anxiously await Buffy's witty comeback or maybe a punch in the face,
hopefully one that will decapitate him.
Nothing.
"That was a mistake. What we did meant nothing." My slayer whispered, tears
spilling from her eyes again.
I'm dying. Nothing else can explain it. I feel like I'm choking, which is
ridiculous because I don't choke. But something is tightening around my
throat, around my heart. My hands shake with fury and I feel my stomach
churning over and over again until I know I'm going to be sick. My vision
blurs and I see red. Maybe it is blood dripping into my eye but all I see if
red. I fear that I have gone blind. I blink rapidly but my vision doesn't
return. I blindly reach out, grabbing on to a tree branch for support. I
open my mouth but nothing escapes.
Pain.
Anger.
Agony.
Hate.
Everything seems to be a whirlwind in me and I hear their voices in the
distant somewhere, some place that I don't want to go. I knew I should
probably listen if I misunderstood something but I know deep down that it was
true. Buffy and Spike fucked.
Buffy and Spike.
Slept together.
Oh God, kill me if I am not dying already. My vision still isn't returning
and my legs buckle from under me and I loudly fall to the ground. I felt like
I snapped ever twig in the world on my way down. The fall seemed to last
forever. I could almost see my damaged dead heart on the floor already.
I hit the ground, holding in a grunt and my sight returns in a split second.
I see Buffy and Spike advancing towards my hiding spot. Panic rises in me. No
way in hell can I face this right now. I might kill them both and I quickly
stumble to my feet, sprinting away from the scene, hoping to any Gods that
still listen to me that they didn't see me.
Part 2
I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By hands that touched me
-Matchbox 20
******
I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I wanted to, but no avail. After lying in bed
for useless hours thinking of nothing and everything about Buffy. About
Spike. How I wished that I wasn't such a coward and killed him where he stood
when I found out. My mind is still blurry and I'm not sure if what happened
was a nightmare.
But I can tell by the pain that it wasn't. No dream can cause this much
turmoil and agony. The kind of pain that is always there, eating away at
everything that is inside of me. Then there is numbness. A feeling of nothing
but a faraway dull.
I rolled off the bed with a whimper, as if it caused physical pain, and
stumbled into the shower. I turned the water all the way on hot, welcoming
the scalding water. I rubbed my skin raw, until it was red and bleeding. I
was trying to wash away the memories of what just happened. It hurt that I
was also trying to wash the feel of Buffy's skin against mine. I knew she was
tainted by Spike and it made me want to vomit.
I watched the water run pink down the drain and looked down at my body, which
was as red as a tomato. I winced and turned off the water and stepped out.
My next mission was to wash all the pillows, the sheets, my clothes, anything
that Buffy touched. My anger was deep and I took it out on my silk sheets
that cost me a fortune. I tried not to think about what I was doing because
then I would completely breakdown. After rapidly throwing sheets and pillow
covers into the washer, I stopped as one of Buffy's t-shirts fell from the
pile. I froze, every cell in my body stopping for a second and it seemed as
if my whole body shut down because of the cloth.
It was like she was standing right in front of me. I went into a hysteric
panic.
With a roar, I grabbed the shirt off the floor, ripping it to shreds. I
breathed deeply, my nostrils flaring and I bet I looked like a crazy man but
I don't care. I buried my nails deep in the cloth tearing at the fabric,
trying to tear the hurt and pain that Buffy caused away from me. It didn't
help. With a snarl of frustration I threw the destroyed t-shirt into the
garden.
I wish that I had a lighter or something to burn the damned thing. I dug my
nails deep into the palm of my hands. My demon roared that I run back there
and teach those blonde bitches a lesson.
Calm down.
I took a deep breath and finally slumped to the floor, taking deep
unnecessary breaths. I was horrified to find tears stinging my eyes and my
throat constricted.
No. I won't cry. Not over here. Vampires so do not cry. I closed my eyes
tightly, feeling the grief swallow me in waves.
How could she do this? I thought everything was fine. How could I be so
blind? These last couple of days she has been so distant. I brushed it off
like a stupid fucker that I was. She doesn't want me anymore. She doesn't
want a vampire that can't fuck.
Is that all that is important to her? No, that's not true. Buffy is more than
that, more than a good lay. But, oh God, Spike!? Out of all the people she
had to fuck she choose Spike? I would have preferred Xander over him. Not my
own childe.
My stomach turned upside down and I knew I was going to vomit. I even leaned
forward so not to throw up on my self and loose even more of my dignity.
"Angel?" Oh Gods. I swallowed harshly, pushing down what ever the hell that
was going to come up. I stayed on the floor, not moving. Playing dead. Kind
of ridiculous, I know but I have no idea what the hell to do. My only love
betrayed me for my childe.
Jerry Springer here I come.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" She asked and I could hear her step closer
until she was right behind me. I kept my eyes closed, hoping to God that she
left me alone. I prayed that she didn't touch me for I fear I might hit her
or cry or do something fucked up like that.
Am I okay? Haha. That girl always made me laugh.
Buffy paused, I could hear her sniffling, trying to hide her crying. I didn't
move, didn't think, just prayed.
"Angel?" My slayer whispered again, her voice turned in to a pathetic
whimper. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost. My heart is too broken to feel
anything but anguish. She reached down to touch my shoulder, but I rolled out
of the way quickly, getting a startled gasp from her. I jumped to my feet,
not turning to look at her.
"I'm awake." I mutter. I really wish I wasn't stupid.
"What were you doing on the floor?" She asked. I wonder if she already knew
that I know about her and secret fucking with Spike. I shudder. I really need
to throw up.
"I fell." *Gods* I am so damned.
"Could I stay the night tonight?" Buffy asks, her voice shaking. I laugh
slips from my lips before I could stop it. It was cold and empty. I try to
stop but soon I'm nearly crying with laughter. I feel blissfully insane.
I wipe at my eyes, chuckles still escaping from me. I turn to look at her, a
large smile at my face. She stares at me with horror and guilt, her lower
lips trembling.
"Oh sure!" I spread my arms wide open. "Just feel free to stay the night. You
can use my soap if you want to take a shower. You can even sleep in my
t-shirt. Anything that I have is wide open to you." I laugh again, loving
this feeling of emptiness. The pain is almost gone now.
"Even my children are open to you! But I guess you already knew that, didn't
you?" My laughing abruptly stops and I stare hard at her. The pain and hurt
has returned but it is forced by anger. A hand flies to her mouth and tears
leak from her eyes.
"Angel..." She sobs, stepping forward to me but I quickly dodge her. No
matter what, I can't touch her and she can't touch me. It is a sudden rule
that I am enforcing.
"Don't touch me." I hiss. "Stay the hell away from me."
She recoils as if I hit her. I wish I had the strength too. "You have to
understand..."
"What? Oh, I understand completely, Buffy." My hurt and anger flowing off me
in waves and I clench my hands into fists, holding on to self control by a
thread.
"You were just being greedy. You have my heart, my soul, my mind but you
couldn't have my body. I would give anything to give it to you but we both
know what would happen. So, you had to get someone else's body so now you
have the whole package." I yell at her. It hurt, oh Gods, it hurt so bad. I
want her to hurt. I want her to cry because of me. I want her to feel the
same wound she inflicted on me.
"No! Angel, please, it wasn't like that." She shook her head, denying it and
sobbing into her hand.
"Then what was it like?" A new thought forced itself into my mind and I still
completely.
"Buffy, answer me truthfully or I swear that..." I trail off, talking slow so
that she understood perfectly clear. My blonde ... no, not mine, Buffy stared
at me, her body tense. I stepped a bit closer to her, feeling dread crawl up
my spine.
"Did Spike...did he...force himself on you?" I ask, in almost a whisper,
ready to crawl on hands and knees for forgiveness. Then I would drag his ass
back here and ... it would be too ugly for words.
She looked at me, her eyes wide. She opened her mouth to say something but
then quickly closed it. She took a small step back from me but I quickly
stepped closer. My patience was thin and I awaited the answer with dread. It
would be horrible either way.
"You can tell me, Buffy." My voice soft with an underline threat. "He won't
hurt you."
A long spell of silence.
"I wish...I wish he did but he didn't." She looked down in shame. "I kissed
him."
My shoulders sagged and I quickly turned away from her, trying to hide the
pain. All of the fight went out of me and I wanted to bawl like a fucking
baby.
"Why?" I whispered. A soft sob came from her throat and I winced.
"I don't know!" She yelled in defeat. "We were fighting and he was
saying...things and then it just...I just...I don't know why I did it but I
did and I wanted to stop but it already went too far."
"Did you even remember me? Did you ever think of what this would do it me?" I
turn on her, my eyes flashing yellow and my vision starts to blur again.
"Of course! I tried to stop but..." She tried to explain but I couldn't wrap
my mind around it. "I don't love him. I wanted to tell you but I was afraid.
It only happened once and it will never happen again." The Slayer promised,
tears still falling from her cheeks. They seem to never stop.
I take a deep breath as I turn away from her once more. This is it, the final
blow.
"You are saying that as if we will get back together again. You're saying
that like I care." I paused a moment and it is obvious to her that I'm
starting to cry. I quickly wipe a stray tear away. "We won't and I don't."
"Angel..." She whispers.
"Stay away from me, Buffy. We are nothing but enemies now. Vampire vs Slayer,
like it always has been." I don't turn around to face her, knowing that if I
see her face then I will completely breakdown. A last sob escapes her and she
runs from the mansion. As soon as she steps out of the room, I sink back to
the floor.
"Buffy." I whisper, trying to call her back. I want to run after her but I
simply sit on the cold marble.
On the ground.
Like always.
Part 3
Well, I feel like something's gonna give
and I'm a little bit angry
-Matchbox 20
*****
After brooding for several hours, feeling like crap ran over twice, I had an
hour an hour until the sun rose. I didn't have enough time to do what I
wanted to accomplish but it would be a start. I need to kill something.
Slowly.
My feet led me to a crypt in one of Sunnydale's cemeteries, I can't be sure
which one. I'm not really paying attention to my surroundings. Everything
besides my path is just a big blur, melting into the gray.
I stare at the crypt door with venom, if looks could kill then the stone door
would be nothing but rubble. I took a deep unneeded breath and roughly shoved
it open, my demon visage coming forth against my will. I look around the
pathetic excuse for a home, searching for my target. Vampires living in
crypts are old century. Some things have no class.
"Spike!" I bellowed in rage, I could feel his presence, smothering me,
choking the life out me. I sniff the air, he is in the same room as me, just
too much of a coward to show himself. I realize with disgust that Buffy's
aroma is faint but here. She had sex in this dump?
"Grand Sire." Spike chuckled nervously, stepping out from behind me. I am
have his neck in my hand before he could say another word.
"Look, don't get mad at me because your chit is running around humping
everything-" Before he could finish the sentence, I throw him across the
room. I watch was satisfaction as his head smashes against the cement and
blood splatters against the floor.
"Bloody hell!" Spike curses, pressing a hand to the back of his head.
"After everything I taught you, my boy," I kick his roughly in the stomach
while he is down. "You never listen." Another kick to the nose.
"You tried to take what is mine." I snarl, grabbing his bleach blonde hair
and pulling his head back, only to smash it against my knee. Spike groans
loudly, holding his broken and bleeding nose. He doesn't move to defend
himself, he knows that he did wrong. If he tried to fight back I would have
hurt him even more. At least he has some discipline.
"Buffy is marked, yet you still ignore my sign!" I yell, stepping on his
chest as I look down at the pathetic sight.
"Now, unless you want a slow painful death, tell me why she came to you." I
snapped, my human features back.
"Well, its a funny story, actually," Spike chuckled, despite his wounds. He
knows that no matter how bad I hurt him, I will always have the greater
wound.
"Spike..."I grit out.
"Slutty...Buffy, was fighting a couple vamps and so I decided to try and kick
her ass, ya know. The natural vampire thing to do." I let the nickname slip,
but I apply pressure to his already broken ribs. The Billy Idol wannabe
winces and he quickly goes on with the story.
"You could tell she was emotionally unstable. God only knows why. Kids these
days. Always worried about something."
"So you took advantage of her?" I snarl at him.
"Lets not forget who came on too who, here!" Spike snapped back, moving to
push my leg off but I press my weight down on him, feeling another rib crack.
I take pleasure in the roar of pain.
"She said you said things. What did you say?"
"Just the usual, peaches. 'Hey slayer, how do you want to die?' or maybe it
was 'I'm gonna dance on your grave.' One of those, I can't remember." He says
smugly.
"You think this is a joke?" I growl at him.
"All right! No need to get violent. I might have let a few things slip about
you..." He trailed off. Stupid Drusilla. Why the hell did she have to sire
him in the first place?
I remove my foot off of him but kneel down next to his fallen form. "You
know, Spike, my boy, you are a real pain in my ass."
"My pleasure, poof." He grins. The grin is quickly wiped off his face when I
slam a stake into his chest, missing the heart by a mere inch. He roars in
pain and I stand up slowly.
"Come near her again, I dare you." I snarl at him before walking slowly back
to the door. I finger the extra stake in my pocket.
"Son of a bitch!" I hear Spike spit. He laughs then.
"You missed the heart, wanker." He pushed himself up and I know he has the
stake in his hand. I'm an easy target. I smile softly to myself before
whirling around and throwing the extra stake. It hits the heart.
Spike's eye grow wide with shock.
"Damnit Angelu-" The words are never finished as he explodes into dust.
"Didn't miss it that time." I whisper, answering his first comeback.
I expected something a little more painful, feel some sort of emptiness at
losing one of my most valuable childe. But there was nothing. Just a sense of
peace to a small part on my troubled soul.
Instead of brooding for a second, I simply turned around out the door.
Blinking at the lightening sky. I found the quickest way back to the mansion.
So I nonchalantly traveled through the sewer home, acting like as if nothing happened.
Part 4
Oh well, this ain't over, no not here
not while I still need you around
- Matchbox 20
******
A couple days passed while I drowned in my self misery and grief. The answer
to why Buffy did what she did evades me. A small burden was off my shoulders
when I got rid of Spike, I think I actually slept fitfully that night. But
now, everything is back to the way it was. I found myself anxiously awaiting
Buffy to return from school. My dream fantasy would be that she would run
into my arms and tell me the thing was Spike was all just a horrible joke.
Hence the word 'dream'.
To relieve some excess energy and anger that has been seeping through me for
the last couple days, I went on patrol. The adrenaline of a fight should take
my mind of the betraying blonde.
"Traitor." A vampire hissed from behind a gravestone. I smiled at the
fledging, putting my stake in my pocket. I'll probably beat it to a bloody
pulp before I grant it the release of death.
"My thoughts exactly." I mutter to myself, my thoughts trailing back to
Buffy...no. Stop. No more Buffy. Buffy bad.
The leech jumped at me and I easily stepped aside to dodge. He smashed
himself into a tree. I shook my head at the sorry excuse for a fight.
Whatever happened to Sires that actually trained their children how to fight?
The balding vamp took a swing at my head, I grabbed his fist pushing back
roughly, dislocating his arm. He screeched in pain and I smiled at the sound.
I bared my fangs that had sprouted since the fight.
"You call this a fight?" I snarl at him, before smashing my fist into his now
broken nose. A kick to his temple sent him toppling, someone's gravestone
broke under Baldie's weight. He curled into a fetal position while I
continued to kick him roughly in the gut and ribs.
"She could have came to me," kick "but no!" kick "She had to" kick "crawl to
that" kick "bastard!" I yelled, venting my own problems on the vampire's
ribcage.
I love the sound of breaking bones.
"Shouldn't you kill him now?" An extremely small voice sounded from behind me
and I thought I imagined in until I opened my senses. Oh Gods. She was
standing right behind me, well not right behind me. A couple yards away. I
placed a foot on the vampire's face, pressing him into the grass.
"He'll live." I choked out. My teeth were ground together so tight, I thought
I would break them. Buffy nodded, playing with her hands.
"Spike's dead." She said bluntly. With that, I snapped and took my stake and
slammed it into the vampire's heart. I regret it. Now I have nothing to
distract me with. My whole attention is on her. I sigh and turn around.
"Did you kill him?" I ask her, knowing the answer. I have to see her reaction
first before I fess up. The truth is that I want to run and hide. But master
vamps don't do that. They stay and face the problem, then I can run and hide.
"No, someone got to it before me." She knows it was me, I can hear it in her
voice.
"You would have killed him?" I almost laugh. She fucks William then she turns
around and kills him. Kinda reminds me and Angelus.
"I wanted to." She whispers, looking down guilt-ridden.
"Don't you dare mourn him." I snap before I can control myself. Way to keep a
low cover, asshole.
"I know." She surprises me by stepping forward and looks straight into my
eyes. I see determination and guilt.
"You killed him." Buffy replies, her stance was stiff, her shoulders straight
and her chin up high. A presentable warrior. I towered over her, looking down
on the small woman who could easily beat me in fight.
"It was a vampire thing." I reply without a flicker of emotion. "Why? Miss
your lover?" I snarl at her, hurt. I felt like rabid animal, licking my
wounds. It was a low blow and I saw her eye twitch slightly, if she had less
control she would have winced completely. She glared at me.
"Do you really want me to answer that?" She challenges me. My lips twitch
despite myself. Jealously slams into me. Who cares if Spike is dead? I'm mad
at her and she should be overloaded with grief, just like me, but she has
regained her spark. That was the thing I love...er...loved most about her.
Damnit. I can't fool myself. I'm head over heels in totally fucking love with
her, no matter what she does. That doesn't mean I will be at her feet, taking
in her apology.
"What are you trying to say?" I growl, did she actually miss that prick? The
slayer steps forward again, quickly closing in on my personal space.
"Angel," Her voice softens like it always does when she says my name. "What I
did...was horrible. I said I'm sorry and God knows that I am. I spent the
last couple of days crying over you and hating myself. I still want to be
with you, only if you let me."
"You betrayed me. You slept with my own childe!" I yelled at her, I was
talking in circles but I don't care.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, damnit! I love you, not him. Not anyone else."
Buffy snaps back at me. It shocks me that she went from a crying blubbering
broken person to a strong determined woman with passion in her eyes. I can't
really blame Spike for sleeping with her, God, she is beautiful. Well, I do
blame Spike for what he did but she is just so fucking gorgeous.
"The next thing I know you are going to be saying 'I only slept with him
because I'm in love with you'. How the hell will I know you won't do it
again? I can't wait for some more relatives to come into town. Maybe the
Master or Penn, you haven't met him yet but I'm sure you two will get along
great!" I can't stop my voice from rising until I'm shouting myself hoarse. I
barely process that I'm ruining my chance of getting back with her but the
hurt is just so much.
Buffy's eyes blaze with anger and she reels back and punches me square in the
face. Out of shock and being unprepared, I fall backwards on my ass. I stare
up at her in complete shock. Did she just hit me? After she slept with Spike,
betraying my trust and love, my slayer hits me?
She has the same shocked expression on her face. She looks at her fist before
quickly moving to help me up. I quickly push her away and she falls back,
right in front of me, joining me on the floor. We stare at each other, for a
long time. Reading each other, speaking without words. She can clearly see me
anger and pain but the guilt around her is tangible. Our love is thick in the
air but I choose to ignore it, still too angry to acknowledge. I'm torn. I
want nothing more to scream and yell and cry but a large part of me wants to
take her in my arms and smother the lingering scent of Spike.
"What now?" Buffy asks me. I stare past her.
"I don't know."
Part 5
I drummed my fingers against the marble floor, where I sat in the mansion. I
was bored as hell. On any other Saturday, I would have gone and visited Buffy
and her friends at the Bronze. But I guess that won't be happening this week.
It was strange, these conflicted emotions inside of me. It was like something
was wrenching my heart out, but only Buffy could make it better. I don't
really know how that works. Why would Buffy be the only one who can spare me
from this horrible pain when she is the one that caused it in the first
place? Three days ago was our last confrontation and I yearn to see her. To
yell at her and then mumble apologies in her hair.
I growled deep in my throat, tired of my wishful thinking. I jumped to my
feet and grabbed my coat without a second thought. I walked outside, not
really knowing where my feet were taking me. I ended up outside Buffy's
house. I sighed to myself at my own predictability.
I hate it, but I can't stop myself from climbing up the tree to take a peek
inside her room. It is early but she is sitting on her bed, talking with
Willow. I see that Willow has a bag and her blanket. A sleepover. I almost
smile to myself at the innocence.
Buffy is talking gently to Willow, tears brimming her eyes. I sigh softly as
I realize they are talking about what Buffy did, what I did.
"It's okay, Buffy. He will forgive you. Angel loves you, he always will."
Willow consoled her best friend. I turn my head away. Damn Willow. She is
always so smart.
"How can he love someone like me? That slept with a thing like Spike. I don't
even know what happened, Willow." Buffy wiped at her tears, refusing to sob.
"He does love you." Willow argued.
"How can you be sure?" Buffy snapped back.
"Because he sitting outside your window." Willow locked eyes with me and I
froze.
Busted.
Damnit. My mind is racing with ideas, do I stay put and confront them? Or get
my ass out of this tree faster then anyone can see? I go for the fleeing but
before I could move Buffy's hopeful eyes fell on me and I'm paralyzed. I
couldn't move even if I wanted to.
"I...uh...suddenly remembered I was hungry...yeah that's it." Willow made an
obvious exit, giving Buffy a thumbs up on her way out.
"Angel." Buffy nods her head, unsure of what to do. She quickly wraps her
arms around herself. She is in her pajamas, a large t-shirt that suspiciously
looks like mine. I feel an unwanted sense of pride swell inside me.
"What are you doing here?" She asks as I invite myself in her room, and lean
casually against the window.
"I don't know." I answer. I seem to be saying that a lot lately.
"Okay." She processes the information and there is an uneasy silence.
"Okay, I lied. I wanted to see you." I say bluntly. I wish had some tape to
tape my idiotic mouth shut.
"Why?" Buffy winces at the harshness and rephrases. "I mean, what do you
need?"
I need a lot of things right now, all which could not be formed into words. I
need Buffy.
"I need to know what is going on...between us." I use my hands to make my
point across but everything I do seems tiring and fruitless if she is not in
my arms in a second.
"That's up to you, Angel." She responds after a pause. "If you want to leave,
I won't stand in your way but I want you to stay." She looks down. "With me."
"I..." I trail off, not knowing what I want. Another lie. I know exactly what
I want but I don't think I will be able to survive if something like this
happens again.
She awaits my answer as if I am balancing life and death in my hands.
"I want to stay with you." I whisper brokenly. "But..."
Before I can finish the sentence, she is in my arms, raining kisses down on
my face. I stumble back a couple of steps, in shock and relief. Thousands of
emotions race inside of me as she kisses every patch of skin on my face,
moving down to my neck.
I gasp and hold her head against me. How could I have gone for weeks without
this?
My lips find hers in a desperate kiss. I feel hot tears against my cheek and
I know that they are Buffy's. I deepen my kiss, wrapping my arms tight around
her. Her tongue shyly comes out and teases mine. I groan against her mouth.
She feels so soft, so innocent. How does she remain so pure after being
tainted by Spike?
I break away with her, making a strangled sound in my throat at the loss. Her
face is flushed and her lips are swollen.
"It will take a while." I whisper. "For us to be us. For me to...trust you."
"I know." She whispers.
"I love you." I sigh against her, leaning my forehead against her. I wish I
didn't but I did.
"I love you too." Buffy smiles against me, the first smile I have seen from
her in a long time.
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