Ashlee
He Will Do

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Title: He Will Do
Author: Ashlee
E-mail: RubysAndPearls@aol.com
Summary: An angst fic in Buffy's point of view of her life.
Distribution: Ask!
Disclaimer: Don't own them.
Feedback: Yes please!
Rating: R for language.
Pairing: B/A B/S
Spoilers: Meat Palace..or whatever is was called!

I swallowed hard and welcomed the pain and pleasure. The brick from the building was scarping across my back and scratching my forearms. I grabbed his shoulder, moving to the ancient rhythm as the blonde vampire pressed my up against the wall. It felt good, just to feel. My hands slipped under his shirt aching for the feel of cold skin. I could pretend that it was someone else holding me. I could pretend I was doing this out of love and not just for feeling. He grunted in my ear, I opened my mouth to moan but nothing came out. I closed my mouth quickly, feeling the sting of vomit in the back of my throat.

When did it come to this? The old Buffy would never stoop to work at a fast food restaurant. The old Buffy would figure out was in that meat in the first day of work. The old Buffy would never fuck Spike. Why couldn't that damn witch leave me in heaven? was with my mommy. I was safe. I never am here. I could never have a week without one evil demon ruining it. Maybe I would have time to think and sort things out. I long for the peace of death, but I know that would be the coward way out. I may be lying to my friends about the bruises on my arms and the hickeys on my neck, but I am not a coward. A little voice in my head whispers that I'm wrong.

Spike runs his fingers through my, now short, hair. He was angry with me for cutting it. I was rejoiced in his anger. I kiss his neck and arch against him. He vamped out once while we were fucking. He asked for a taste. I grabbed my stuff and left after that. Now, I touch the scar on my neck. My slayer healing didn't fade the scar and I was glad. It already felt tainted from Dracula's bite and I could betray Angel with Spike's. Everything always came back to my dark vampire. Out of nowhere I suddenly wonder where he is. Maybe he is out battling demons and making his way towards his own forgiveness, while his childe is fucking my senseless.

Spike noticed my fingers resting on his brand and he growls. His growl is the same as Angel's. I should really swallow my courage and call him. Maybe he would hear the blankness of my voice. Maybe he would sense my fear and doubt. He would come running back and I would stay in his arms the whole night. Then he would leave. Like he always does. Spike is too dependent to leave now. Another reason why I latch on to him.

I wished that Angel was kissing me now. I want Angel to be the one pounding into me, breaking me. I want Angel's arms around me and I want his forehead leaning against mine after a blissful moment. But I never get what I want. It is Spike who is holding me and now letting me go. I won't ever have my Angel, but I will have. As much as I hate him, he will do. He will just have to do.