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Title: Mute
Author: Ashlee
E-mail: RubysAndPearls@aol.comSummary: Set in season three in Angel's POV. Angel came back from hell with no voice and it is kinda AU from there.
Distribution: Just tell me where it is going.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never did, never will.
Spoilers: Practically the whole season 2, especially Becoming Part 2.
Feedback: Don't make me beg.
****
I can feel her stare burning into my back and all I want to do is flinch away, scream, or laugh hysterically but I can't. She just keeps staring at me. Her mouth was slightly open and any other time I would have told her how cute she looked. But I can't.
"Angel?" She whispers in awe and pain. My shut my eyes tightly to block out her voice. My whole body is humming with agony and pain, my throat hurts the worse. Yet, she doesn't seem to notice. She just stands there, all the way on the other side of the room, and stares. A large part of me wants to just fall to the ground and lay there for all eternity but then I also want to yell at the blonde. Scream at her and ask her how she could be innocent and naive.
My memory is a bit scattered but I could still feel the heat and flames licking at my back. Hell. I was there. I think I still am. I feel sick to my stomach but then I think of how ridicules it is for a vampire to get the flu. What changed? Why am I here? In the mansion, of all places. I lean against the closest wall and sink against it, sliding to the floor. There is an ache in my feet and I'm sure that it was because I have been standing in the same position for over five hours. I have been standing since I came back. I was back...right?
Buffy walks closer to me, her stance unsure and her expression hopeful. I can tell she is debating whether she wants to reach for her stake or collapse in my arms. I can't really decide which one I want. My eyes are hooded and I just stare at her as she approaches. My ears are ringing and I know that I am severely injured. Just hours ago there was a large knife, covered in holy water, being stabbed in my hand but as I look down at it, I see no wound.
Buffy is extremely close to me, she sees that I am in no position to fight. She stares into my half closed eyes and I wonder what she wants me to do.
"Angel." The word was more like a sob of relief than a statement. Tears are spilling down her cheeks and my heart is hurting now too.
I open my mouth, wanting to comfort her by saying something. Anything. My throat burned as I tried to speak to her. I felt like I was dying all over again. Gods, why did it hurt so much? It felt like someone was pouring holy water down my throat ever so slowly. I *couldn't* speak. I could feel the sting of blood tears in my eyes and I shut them tightly. My vision is blurring and I could my lover, enemy, calling out to me as everything fades to black.
Part 2
I woke up sometime later, my body being cushioned by sheets and pillows. A bed. I kept my eyes closed, just enjoying the feeling comfort that I barely even remembered. Despite the pain still humming around my entire body and I leaned back into the bed, breathing an unneeded sigh. Even doing that hurt.
I opened my eyes to take in my surroundings. The mansion? I was still here. I haven't fed in what seemed like months and I was too weak to sense if the sun was up. How long have I slept? Does passing out qualify as sleeping?
"Angel." A soft voice to my left. I slowly turned to look at the blonde next to me. I didn't even notice her before. "God...are you really here?"
I asked myself the same question. Bits of pieces of my memory are returning slowly. I was definitely in Hell. I shied away from that subject, right now, I have bigger things to worry about than my own well deserved torture. Wait...why did I deserve it? Angelus. Oh God... I opened my mouth to mumble apologies but there was the same mind numbing pain. Why wasn't that going away? I shut my eyes tightly, waiting for the pain to past. My throat felt like it was being torn up from the inside. Vampires shouldn't have this. This isn't normal. Is anything you are normal, I ask myself.
"Please say something." Buffy whispered, tears were in her eyes again. I wanted to kill myself right then. I always cause her pain. I tell myself that I would walk to the end of the world for her and I couldn't even say a word to ease her suffering.
I shake my head instead, desperately trying to get her to understand that I *can't* say anything, and I wince from the sting of sore muscles. Buffy's face fell and she nodded slowly.
"Right." She bit her lip and slowly got off the bed. "You probably don't even want to look at me right now."
What? I blinked and my brow furrowed. What is she talking about? I could stare at her forever and never get tired of it. A sword...Acathla. Oh. She sent me to hell. The memory slowly starts to come back to me into pieces. Oh no. No, no, no.
I shake my head furiously, suddenly very angry at her ignorance. She thinks I blame her for sending me to hell. I am very sick to find out that a small part of me is furious that I had to spend centuries being tortured because of her unselfish choice. Then I feel very proud of my slayer at the same time. I hurried to push myself up to a sitting position and my fists clench at the unbelievable agony. I collapse back down into the bed, very exhausted.
Buffy rushes to my side and helps me sit up a little bit. Her expression is enough to tell me that she accepted my silent beckoning. I let my shoulders sag and my eyes drop. I swallow hard and open my mouth to speak. Nothing. No sound at all. Only pain. The slayer's tears are falling steadily at seeing my pain and the fear in my eyes that I know is there. What can't I speak? Just to make one sound would give me so much comfort.
"What is it? What's wrong?" She asks, putting a hand to my cheek. Her hand is warm and soft and I lean into it. I feel the familiar tingle start in my cheek from her touch. I let out an unneeded sigh and shake my head.
"Tell me what is wrong." Buffy demands softly, her voice firm and assuring at the same time. I only shake my head again, not able to do anything else. My brow furrows in frustration and my lips are pressed together tightly. Buffy sighs, frustrated at not understanding. She continues to stare at me. Waiting for an answer.
I put my fingers to my lips and shake my head, telling her I couldn't speak. Buffy looks a bit confused and I tap my finger against my mouth, impatiently.
"You won't...talk?" She asked. I shake my head again, ignoring the rising pain at the repeated action. I felt my patience growing thin and then I felt myself get angry at getting angry at her. I fucking hate love but I cherish it at the same time. I fucking hate it. My head feels light and my stomach is yearning for blood. I clenched my fists, trying to vent out my pain and frustration.
"You can't talk?" She asks again, seeing my disapproval to her previous answer. I sigh, dropping my fingers from my lips and nod once. I lean back into the bed, exhausted and hungry as hell. I wince at my own silent pun.
"Oh. That explains some." She bit her lower lip, obviously deep in thought. She violently wipes at the tears on her cheeks but they continue to come. It must hurt her as much as it hurts me to know that I can't say 'I love you' for a while. It will only be a while, vampire healing is a good thing to have. Right? I found myself not so sure.
"Just lay back down." She gently pushes me back onto the comfortable bed. I eye her neck while she is talking to me, I guess she noticed.
"Your probably hungry." She gets up. "I'll call Giles. He could get some stuff from the butcher." A part of me is happy that she is not leaving the mansion but I frown as she quickly exits the room. I close my eyes, exhaling a sad sigh, as I heard sobbing come from the other room.
*****
I must have fell asleep because when I opened my eyes I heard two heartbeats and two voices whispering in the other room. I hold back the urge to call out and ask who was there with Buffy. I strain my sense and recognize Giles's angry voice. He is yelling Buffy. Why? Maybe because she is harboring a vicious vampire that had killed his girlfriend. That must be it. I push myself up and wince as the bed creaks loudly. The hushed voices quickly ceased and I see my blonde slayer come running into the room. I stare at her, my eyes asking a million questions. She holds up her index finger, telling me to wait and she retrieves into the other room.
Buffy comes back in with a brown paper bag and my mouth waters as my sensitive nose picks up the scent of blood. I eagerly reach out for the bag, my pain forgotten and I tear at it, finding a large paper cup. I could feel the blood it cold but I don't care. I rip off the top and savagely gulp down the crimson liquid. I could cry from the feeling of the liquid moving down my throat. Soothing and burning at the same time. Taste so good...more. I have to have more.
The cup is soon empty and I stare at it in disappointment. God, I didn't realize how hungry I was. My vision is blurry from the bloodlust and I stare at Buffy's neck for long moment, unconsciously licking my lips. I could just imagine sinking my fangs in her soft skin and...
"Angel..." Buffy's scare voice snaps me from my thoughts. I stare up at her and curse myself for my stupidity. She looks scared and excited at the same time.
I open my mouth to apologize but quickly shut it, not looking forward to the pain that was sure to come. She looks away from me quickly and I stare down at the damaged and empty cup. Someone clears their throat from the hallway and I gaze up at Giles who is looking a little more than angry and disgusted.
"Giles..." Buffy trails off. Her voice full of warning and I would bet my life that their previous argument was about me. Giles stares at me with hate. I look down and I reach up a hand to gently touch my face which is rigid. I changed into my demon face without knowing it. I force myself to change back and stare hard at the watcher's feet.
"How did you get here?" It voice was curt and strong. I stay unmoving, my eyes never moving from his shoes. I feel like a discipline schoolboy but I don't care.
"Answer me, damnit!" Giles's loud voice echoes through the hall way.
"He can't talk!" Buffy yells standing up quickly to my defense and my steady gaze flies to her.
"Bullshit." The elder angrily spits and he moves to step closer to me. I see rage an inhuman rage in his eyes and it takes me 250+ years not to flinch. Buffy steps in front of her watcher, protecting me. She stares at him evenly and I want nothing more to say her name. Just to feel it roll off my tongue. But I can't.
I could the anger rolling off of my slayer so I gently reach over and grab her hand. She jumps from the unexpected contact and turns to face me. I stare hard into her eyes, telling her to let it go. I deserve this. I know I do. Her sad and tired gaze goes to my eyes from my hand on hers. She sighs and sits down next to me.
"I will call you tomorrow Giles." She says softly.
"Buffy, I'm not leaving you here with this thing." Giles spat.
"Go." Her voice was quiet and deadly. Giles glares at me for a long moment before he pivots on his heel and leaves.
Buffy sighs softly and looks at me. I want to flinch away, seeing the pity in her eyes. Oh God help me. Her lower lip trembles at the pathetic sight of the vampire she used to love. I stare back at her, my sad eye telling her how sorry I am. She sobs as I lay down, resting my head on her lap. I put my cold hand on her knee and just stare at the wall in front of me and listen to her sobs. I can do nothing else.
Part 3
I left Buffy on the bed as soon as she cried herself to sleep. I wanted to comfort her but I don't think that she needs me right now. She needs to get through this bomb that has been dropped on her so suddenly, just like I need to. My bare feet slapped against the cool marble floor as I walked into the main room. I was pushing myself to my physical limit but I didn't care. I needed to get out of that bedroom.
I stopped in my tracks and turned to stare at an empty spot against a wall. Acthala. I stared at the spot for a long time. I seem to loose track of time more and more. I slowly walked forward, wincing as I felt my tired muscles stretch. I stood in the exact same spot where a sword was impaled in my stomach and I was sent to the worse place in all of the realms. I seemed frozen in the same position. My mind was trapped in the memory. Only the small rustle in the bedroom snapped me from my reverie. Buffy was shifting in her sleep.
I quickly stepped away from the memorizing spot. I took a deep breath and the urge to scream was quickly overwhelming me. I look around wildly from something to punch. I need to hit something, need to see my victim bleed, need to feel my knuckles punching into something. The demon in me flared and the primal need to growl was growing in my stomach. Destiny has surely dealt me a fucked up card of fate. A vampire with a soul and no voice. You don't see one of those every day. Maybe I should be a tourist attraction of the Underworld, join a circus maybe. An insane smile spread on my lips and I would have laughed if I could.
I punched hard into the wall nearest me and opened my mouth in a silent scream of pain and victory. A large whole was now imprinted in the wall and my knuckles wee bleeding, but that didn't stop me. I hit with my left hand this time and the impact of the stone wall hitting my fist sent jarring pain down my arm. Another soft rustle from the bedroom caught my attention. I forced myself to calm down for Buffy's sake.
I breathed an unneeded sigh and stared down at my bloody knuckles. The feeling of exhaustion told me I was not fully healed and this little trip did nothing but hurt my already injured body. Blood. I needed more, the soft beating of Buffy's heart in the other room did nothing but whet my thirst. I slowly walked towards the kitchen and looked around the bare room. There was a small ancient fridge in the corner and I opened it. Nothing. Obviously Giles wasn't too keen on getting more than one cup of blood from the butcher.
"Your hurt." The soft voice made me jump out of my skin. I spun to face my beautiful blonde in the doorway. I don't really know why I keep referring to her as mine. I don't have the energy to correct myself and I don't really want to. I rather stay in my land of denial and say that she always will be mine.
I just crossed my arms over my chest, hiding my bleeding hands against my arms. Buffy reached out to inspect the wounds but I dodged her touch, for more reasons than one. She sighed softly and pulled back her hand to her side. She looks a little more than angry and confused. She glances at the open refrigerator and put the pieces together.
"Of course you still must be hungry. You haven't fed in a while." She said to herself more than she said to me. She looked down at her watch and cursed under her breath.
"Snyder won't mind." She muttered again. Snyder...her principal? She was missing school. I'm glad.
"I'll get something for you." She paused. "Will you be okay for a little?"
I nod and briefly wonder if she will only ask yes or no questions. I know that it is the only way to for me to respond but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. She ran her fingers through her tosseled hair and I find myself wanted to do it for her. She reaches for her jacket on a dusty chair and slips it on.
"I'll stop by my house and get my overnight bag. You should rest."
I hate resting. I need to move around, to stretch, to find out how to get my God damned voice back and how I lost it in the first place. Buffy moved forward as if to kiss me good-bye but than stops herself and pivots toward the door. She leaves quickly. In a rush to get back or in a rush to leave this horrible place, I'm not sure which.
I look around the old mansion. Dust and sheets over the furniture is evidence that nobody has been here since...lets not go there. I stretch my arms over my head and wince at the sting of sore muscles. I moved to the right then left. I step forward, stretching my legs. Even though it hurts, it still feels wonderful. In hell, I wasn't really allowed to stretch. In hell, I wasn't aloud to do anything but scream.
I fall back in the old pattern of Tai Chi. I close my eyes and let everything melt away. The memories of hell, memories of Angelus, knowing that I can never tell my beloved how beautiful she looks, everything slips away.
How could have losing my voice happened? A side of effect of coming back to Earth? Or maybe I just screamed myself hoarse in Hell. I shake my head, breaking my concentration. I turn to head back to the bedroom but stop when I see Buffy in the doorway. Is she back already? I blink and my sense tell me that the sun has gone down already.
I could tell that she was watching me for a while. I stare at her for a second, my gaze telling her that I knew she was watching. She blushes and turns away from me. I look down at myself. I was only in black pants that I haven't bothered to change out of since I returned. I am sweaty and tired from the exhilaration that came from Tai Chi.
"I got more food for you. It should last a couple days." Buffy says and I follow her into the kitchen. She has a large duffel bag on the floor, probably full of her clothes and necessities. She sees me eyes her bag and pauses her action of putting the containers of blood in the fridge.
"I hope you don't mind that I stay with you...just until you get better."
When the hell will I get better? From the way it looks, I'm going to be fucked up forever. I nod, telling her that it is okay. I wish I could do more than nod for my gratitude at her forgiveness of my sins...Angelus's sins. We stand in an awkward silence for a spell.
"Sign language." She blurts out suddenly and I look at her strangely. "Maybe...you could learn sign language."
I shake my head. I already do know a bit of sign language, you pick of a few things over the years, but I don't want it. I don't want Buffy going through with trying to learn it and sign language would be permeant. I'm still hoping for my vampire healing to fix this.
"Okay." Buffy says slowly and she chews her lower lip. "You could carry around one of those erasable clips boards." I can't tell if she is joking or not. I shake my head again.
"Then how I am supposed to know what you want to say?" She asks exasperated. I look down and shrug. I fiddle with my hands and try not to let my anger get the better of me. How the hell is she supposed to know? I don't really care than I'm not cooperating with her ideas.
"Well, there has to be something. We could do a blink code or for God's sake something!" Buffy yells. I wince at her anger and reach out to comfort her but she steps back.
"Don't." She says halfhearted but I don't listen. I quickly step forward again and wrap her in my embrace, desperately trying to tell her how sorry I am. I squeeze her tighter and drop a kiss on her head. She wraps her arms around my waist. This is the first real comfort that I have felt in a long time.
"I'm sorry." She whispers and buries her head in my bare chest. I know that she is sad and frustrated because I am to. There is so much I want to tell her. I want to scream and yell and laugh but I can't do any of those. "None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me. I shouldn't have done this to you...I shouldn't have sent you to that God awful place."
I want to tell her that God has nothing to do with it. God has done nothing for me and nothing for her. It right then that I have given up my hope in God.
Part 4
The last few days have been hell. Even though, it wasn't really like Hell. Trust me, I know. Buffy have practically been living in the mansion since I came back. I was pretty sure I was back now. The feelings that arose when Buffy was around was more than enough to anchor me to this world. I can't really describe these strange feelings. Love, hate, want, dominance all rolled into one.
Sometimes I feel that she is staying because she pitys me. I don't need pity. Maybe she is staying out of guilt for sending me to Hell int eh first place. It's not her fault. *I* was the one who tortured her for months, if someone did that to me I would gladly send them to hell. Though, I don't believe that she feels guilt for sending me to Hell, I think it is guilt for taking my voice. A part of me blames her, how can I not? Yet, another part of me feels sick for blaming her. It is only right for me to be punished for my sins. I miss my voice.
"Hey." Buffy walks into the garden, disrupting my train of thought. I sigh sadly at the beautiful sight of her. I know she doesn't try to talk much when she is around me. I don't want her to feel weird or act different. I didn't grow two other heads, I just loss my voice. And then I feel like I lost much more than that.
I nod my hello and she shifts her weight awkwardly in the doorway. "Dust two vamps, its a slow night." Trying to make idle talk.
I look down at my hands. My blonde opens her mouth to say something but then closes it quickly. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head, trying to think of something to say. There isn't anything.
"Willow sends her regards." I have found out that Buffy slowly but surely told everyone that I was back. I could almost see the mad rage that Xander was in and I felt like smiling in victory but then I remember why Xander is in so much rage. Because I tortured him too. Willow seems to be the only one who has even sent a positive thought my way. I have always liked that nervous red head.
I nod and briefly wonder if I should count how many times I nod a day. I must hold some kind of record. Come one, come all, witness the Nodding Mute Ensouled Vampire! Yeah right.
"I...I'm kinda beat today. So I'm gonna hit the hay." She says quietly. I move from my position in the garden and quickly walk into the bedroom, pointing to the bed. She had been sleeping on the couch for the last couple of days. I don't really know why she sleeps here and on the *couch* out of all places. My Slayer deserves only the softest mattress with silk sheets.
"No, you need the bed." She says stubbornly. She doesn't seem to take in mind that I am fully physically healed. I wish I could interrupt her but I could do is shake my head.
"No, Angel I-" She is cut off by me grabbing her and gently pushing her on the bed. She sighs and gives in to my demands. I cover her with my blanket and I am tempted to fluff her pillow. She smiles at me softly and I feel like I am melting...in a good way.
"Thank you."
A shadow of a smile appears on my features and I am tempted to kiss her forehead but I quickly turn on my heel and walk out of the room.
*****
I laid on the very uncomfortable couch stiffly. How the hell could she have slept on this thing? I wasn't really sure if Buffy slept at all this week. The dark bags under her eyes were more than enough evidence. A large part of me wanted to walk into the bedroom and just watch her sleep. It made the hours pass too quickly.
Instead I was just laying here like an idiot. The sun would be rising in a couple of hours and I had nothing to do. The mansion was bare except the full essential needs. I made a mental note to buy from furniture. It was going to be difficult without telling the sales person what I want. I suppose everything was be a little more difficult. I was still stumped about how I lost my precious voice in the first place.
Wait. I have furniture in the old apartment. The apartment where Buffy and I...stop. I can't think of this now. Not when she is in the other room, so beautiful and peaceful, gently tucked under the covers. My covers. All right! Just a little trip to pick of some books won't hurt. All if have to do is avoid the bed at all costs.
*****
I kicked down the apartment door, since I lost the key ages ago. I looked around the small home with greedy eyes. My statues, weapons, books, everything was here. I sighed at the familiar sight. I turned my head away from the bed and quickly walked over to my desk. I grabbed a couple of books, a few of my favorite weapons, and some sheets of drawing paper. This was all I needed for now. I wanted to be back before Buffy wakes up.
But when I turned to walk back to the door, my eyes caught glimpse a bare bead in the corner. I sighed, giving up the eternal war and walked over to the abandoned bed. All that was left were the pillows and mattress. The red silk sheets were burned by Angelus and his need to get rid of this madness, love, inside of him. Angelus loved Buffy in his own twisted way. Every single part of me does.
I ran my hands gently over the pillows and I catch a bare sniff of her scent lingering there. I knew she went here and cried when I lost my soul. I wince at the horrible things I said to her the day after. How hurt she must have been...
I try to growl in frustration and anger but nothing comes out which enrages me more. I briefly think about hitting a wall again. I really got to learn to control my uncontrollable spouts of anger.
The sun would be up soon. I didn't realize how long I have been standing here, maybe over an hour. I sigh and walk towards the door.
*****
When I walked into the main room of the mansion, I saw Buffy nervously pacing holes into the floor. Her worried gaze snaps to me and her tense expression crumbles into relief. She stops her pacing and quickly walks closer to me, stopping a few feet away.
"God, Angel! I woke up and you weren't here. I was worried that something happened to you. I thought you left or you...hurt yourself. I was so worried. How could you do that to me? You should have woken me up." Buffy's nervous babbling makes my mouth turn into a half smile, I was happy that she was worried about me.
"What are you smiling about? Do you think that me having a nervous breakdown is funny? What is your hands?" She asks quickly and cursing herself. I guess she forgot the 'yes or no questions only' rule.
I shrug to answer her first question and put the weapons down on the ground. I keep my books and drawing paper in my hand.
She stares at the items that I have brought and then at my eyes. "Where did you go? Shopping?"
I open one of my books to show her my name written in them.
"You got your old stuff."
I nod and she sighs before practically collapsing onto the uncomfortable couch. I sit down next to her, wishing I could tell her I'm sorry for scaring her.
"I'm sorry. I thought you..." She pauses to chew on her lower lip and looks down at her hands. "left."
The thought had crossed my mind. Why would she want to stay with a mute evil vampire, anyway? I shake my head in the negative, gently grabbing her chin with my fingers. I turn her to face me. I stare deeply into her eyes and I feel myself drowning in their depts. I can't look away and I think that she feels the same. Our faces are merely inches apart and I could hear her sharp intake of breath. I only look away from her beautiful eyes to close mine. Our lips brush ever so gently and I feel myself going crazy.
The phone rings violently and jolts us away from each other. I quickly look down at my hands, sinking deeply into the couch. I feel unworthy of looking at her right now. Oh Gods. Why did I just do that? Why do I want to do it again? You killed her friends, you bastard. Stupid, stupid son of a bitch. I curse myself while she quickly goes to grab the phone and snaps at the caller.
"What?" My slayer pauses and I could feel her staring at me. I will myself to keep looking at my hands. Stupid, stupid.
"No. Where did you get this number? Giles? Wesley...its six o'clock in the morning, on a *Saturday*. Do you guy really need me this early?...Its none of your business where I am right now." I wince. I thought she had told everyone that I was back.
"Because Giles is my *real* watcher! What? What do you mean I have to run laps? You are not my gym teacher....no! Bye!" She slams the phone down and I am surprised that it didn't break. She looks at me apologetic.
"New watcher. I have to go." Buffy quickly gets up and walks towards the door. She pauses right before she leaves but doesn't turn around. I know she wants to say something for me. About the kiss? I'm glad that she doesn't and just keeps walking instead.
Part 5
I was waiting on pins and needles for Buffy to come back. Even though I collected more items from my apartment I found myself extremely bored. I have read every book twice, drawn several pictures, and practice my fighting skills. Everything seemed to be a repeated cycle of boredness. On other occasions I would be out sulking in the shadows but I wanted to be here when she same came back. I didn't want to scare her again.
As if on cue, Buffy walked through the door. She rolled her eyes to herself and frowned at me. I frowned in return and raised my eyebrows, nodding my head forward, asking her what was wrong.
"This stupid watcher! I miss Giles." She whined and I noticed how much she resembled a small child. She shook her head, I guess she realized the same thing I did.
"Sorry. You have bigger problems then parental wannabe troubles." Buffy sighs and drops her slaying bag on the table. She opens it and grabs a couple of stakes.
"I need to vent." She pushed one stake in the waistband of her pants and the other in her sleeve. "I'm going on patrol and then I'll be back."
I quickly walked forward and grabbed a stake for myself. There was no way in Hell I was staying here for more countless hours wishing she was here.
"What are you doing?" She stopped her movements. I didn't look at her but searched her slayer bag for more weapons. I needed to vent too.
"Angel, you can't go with me." Buffy said firmly. "You'll get hurt."
I ignored her and grabbed my leather coat, slipping it on as I walked to the door. Sometimes it is good not being able to talk.
"Angel!" Buffy said louder and I stopped in the door way. I looked at her expectantly, silently asking her if she was coming or not. I almost smile as she sighs in defeat and walks over to me.
*****
The graveyard was quiet and my vampire senses detected no movement in the area. Buffy looked at a fresh grave and sat on the headstone.
"Mr. Blake is due to rise tonight. Might as well wait."
I nod and lean against a headstone and we slip into a comfortable silence. I close my eyes, letting my senses take over, and lean my face up towards the moon. There is some times when I don't want to see the sun. The moon is more appropriate for me. It only comes out at night, fearless and hidden at the same time.
I could feel Buffy's eyes watching me intently and I could hear her heart pounding faster and stronger. A twig snapped to my right and my eyes fly open as I turn to look at the direction of the sound. I unconsciously step closer to my Slayer and I see she is looking in the same direction as I.
"Vampire." Buffy said, confirming my suspicions.
"And more than one, Slayer." A vicious growl came from behind us and I spin around to catch a fist in my face. I fall on my back, not prepared for the blow. I roll and jump to my feet to see my beloved fighting off the vampire that came from behind us.
I turn to my right, quickly ducking a blow from another leech. There are three of them. I spare a glance at Buffy to see her fighting of one. Four all together. They were a little bit older than fledging, nothing big. I kick out at the one at my left and elbow the one to my right. A strong blow to my gut and a kick to my shin from the other vampire makes me bend over in pain. I wanted to growl in frustration.
The other two vampires take the opportunity and grab both of my arms, holding me back. I struggle with my arms but kick out at the remaining vampire, sending him into a tree branch. He is dust with a last scream.
Buffy sees me struggling with the two vampires that have my arms. "Angel!" She shouts and steps to save me, her vamp that she was fighting was momentarily forgotten.
"Let him go, fangboy." Buffy growls in a dangerous voice and she reaches for her stake in her sleeve. Damnit, the vampire that she was fighting was quickly recovering and slowly creeping up on her. I open my mouth to shout out in warning but the unbearable pain makes me snap my mouth shut. I take a sacred second to recover and try again. The vampire raises his fist, ready to pound Buffy's head in. Buffy! Shit, say something! I try to scream her name but nothing comes out.
Buffy looks at me strangely as I stare with wide eyes at the vampire behind her. His fist came down and Buffy move her head to the side quickly, taking my hint, but the his blow came down hard on her shoulder and she cries out in pain. Everything blurs for a second and I think I am seeing red, maybe blood has dripped into my eye.
With a burst of adrenaline, I throw the vampire on my left arm into the one hovering above Buffy. With my free left hand, I grab a stake in my jacket pocket and stake the large leech at my right. Buffy quickly rolls to her feet but I see she is holding her arm.
I glare at the remaining two vampires, my lips turning into a scowl. I am sure my demonic features are showing and I don't care. These stupid bastards better know they are messing with a master vampire. The two vamps take a hint and flee from the scene.
I quickly walk over to Buffy, changing back into my human visage and gently grab her wounded arm.
"It is dislocated." She mutters. Before she can think about anything else, I grab her arm and pop is back in place, wincing at the sickening sound. She grunts and winces but rotates her shoulder.
"I knew you were going to do that."
I would have smiled if I wasn't mentally beating myself up. Her skull could have been crushed. Damn my nonexistent voice!
"Its okay." Buffy whispers and puts her hand on my arm. I shake my head. If I could have warned her, she wouldn't have been hurt. She probably blames me for everything, she thinks I am nothing but scum. I *am* nothing but scum. What if she thinks I am doing this on purpose? She really has no way of knowing if I have a voice or not. What if she thinks I blame for sending me to hell? For Angelus?
My mind is spinning so fast I didn't even notice that she was shaking me. I must have frozen up. I shake my head frantically. My lips were moving but nothing was coming out. I grip her arms tightly, desperately trying to keep myself from going insane.
"Angel!" Buffy says and I could tell that she is crying just from her voice. My vision is blurry and I briefly wonder if I am going blind too. I feel arms around me and I automatically wrap my arms around the small blonde who is embracing me tightly. I close my eyes tightly, breathing in the scent of her shampoo. She places a kiss where my heart should be beating.
"Its okay. Its alright. Just please be okay." She chants against my jacket.
I wish I was okay.
Part 6
Once again, she sleeps in my bed. I could just imagine rolling around in my sheets, smelling her skin on the pillows. It would be heaven. Something that I could never really expierence, but it would be close enough.
The events of earlier this night really scared me. I was worried for Buffy. I was worried that one day she wouldn't be so lucky by heeding my silent warnings. I'm really starting to worry about my sanity. Although, I don't know how a 255 year old vamp could possibly be sane.
I practiced trying to talk but of course there was that mind numbing pain that no vampire, that heals, should have. I was starting to think that I was really hopeless but the last time I tried to talk a strangled sound tore out of my throat. It ws a mix between a gasp and a groan but it was a start. I couldn't practice anymore after that. It hurt too much that my vision was blurring and I felt like someone was fishing down my throat with a cross.
"Angel." A voice that was *not* Buffy's went sounded threw the main room of the mansion. I realized with a start that I was laying on the couch thinking the whole night and the sun had risen. It racked my brain to make sure it was a Sunday so I didn't have to going through the hurt of waking my precious Buffy up. I hated waking her up. She seemed so peaceful. I had the sudden urge to draw her sleeping. But first I had to deal with my unexpected guess.
I quickly jumped from the couch to look sheepishly at Willow. To tell the thruth, she was last person I was expecting to be here. I forced a smile her way and guestered to the couch.
"Is Buffy..." She trailed off as she sat down. I put my finger to my lips, indicating to be quiet. Hoping she would get the hint that Buffy was sleeping.
"Right. This might be a little easier then." Willow fidgted uncomfortbably on the couch, playing with the strap of her overalls. I was suddenly worried about what the innocent redhead had to say. I nodded my head, telling her to continue. She took a deep breath and bit her lower lip before starting.
"I don't think that you and Buffy together is such a fantastic idea." She blurted and I raised an eyebrow. My demon in me yelled to rip her head off her cute neck for saying such a thing. I simply waited for her to continue.
"I mean, I can see why she is so worried about you because I know you are a little...disabled but her grades are dropping and her mom is really worried about where she is all day. Giles is barley stopping himself from calling every twenty seconds to make sure she is still alive. She barley check in anymore. You cloud her judgement." Willow took a deep breath and I looked down at her feet.
"Buffy is very young and she has a lot of life ahead of her...or maybe none at all because she is the slayer." I wince at the thought of my beloved dying. I wish Willow would leave.
"Not to sound rude, but how far do you think that she is going to get dating a mute vampire who could loose his soul at any second." Way to sound not rude, Willow.
I wanted to scream at her. Does she think that I haven't thought about this before?
"I'm not saying to do anything drastic just...think about all these things." Red said quietly. I wanted to scream. She was right. God fucking damnit. Why is she so right? I can't leave my love. I can't, I can't. I will die. I know I will.
"Think about what?" Buffy walked into the room and I wished she would have walked in early so I didn't have to hear the ugly truth.
"Nothing." Willow said. "I was just leaving." She said her gretting to Buffy and with one last look at me, she left. I stared hard down at my feet, my mind churning furiously. I felt sick.
"What was that about?" Buffy asked, sitting down next to me. She grabbed my hand, pulling it onto her lap and tracing the feautres of my hand and fingers. I shrugged and sighed happily at her adminastartions. Wait. I can't be happy about this. I'm just holding her down. Just like Willow said.
I gently pulled my hand away, pretending to not see the look of hurt on her face. She looked hard at my eyes and I averted them, looking down at the floor. It seem to interesting now.
"What did she say?" Damnit. I shook my head and shrugged at the same time. I looked at my blonde and I could see that she didn't believe me.
I wouldn't have either.
Part 7
It hurt so much that I knew that I was dying inside. There could be no other way to explain this horrible pain. I'm dying. Slowly, pained with memories of the all of my damned existence. I wished the sun would come up and set me on fire. it would be less painful then this.
Okay, so I wasn't *really* dying...not yet anyway. But it felt like it. I am standing in the middle of the mansion. What would Buffy feel when she finds out what I am doing? Will she be happy or will she burst into tears? Would she be angry and punch the hell out me? I hope she is happy. I want nothing more than her happiness. I can't stand to see her cry. She should be home soon. I hoped to God that she wouldn't be home for a long time. Then maybe I would change my mind.
I feel so weak and helpless. Which, is exactly what I am. I should have known from the start that I was doomed. If I never walked into that alley in Galaway then I never would have been turned, never would have killed so many people, never would have met Buffy. A part of me is glad that I was turned. That I became a creature of the night and killed innocent women and children because it all equals up to meeting Buffy. Being with her is....was my destiny.
I shiver slightly as I hear the soft click of her high heel shoes and I feel my heart crumbling to pieces. Please, Buffy, turn away and run. Never come back. She didn't listen to my soul's mute screams. Mute. Damnit. I hate that word because it is what I am. Just like murder, vampire, damned.
"I got some more blood from the butcher and..." She stops upon seeing me as she walks cheerfully into the mansion. I take a long time to memorize her features and the look of shock and denial on her face. She stared at the object by my feet and she looks back up at me slowly. My soul weeps and I try hard to keep a straight face. I want to run to her. I should have nailed my feet to the floor.
"What's going on?" She asked. Buffy stared hard down at the suitcase at my feet. The suitcase was packed with a few items clothes, books, blood. Nothing that I really want. Buffy is what I really want. Buffy is really what I *can't* have.
I stare hard in her eyes. They hurt and I have to blink a couple of times. I want my voice back. I want to explain to her and give her my reasons. I'm leaving. Oh God. I'm leaving her. This is it. No turning back. Willow was right. I don't deserve her. I should be at her feet, kissing the ground she walks on. I should worship her like the Goddess she really is. I am leaving. I had to repeat it to myself because I wasn't really sure if I believed it.
She blinks a couple times, looking down and I could see tears at the rims of her eyes and my self control crumbles. I take a step forward, holding my arms to her. Instead of rejecting me or running into my arms she blurted out mumbled words/sobs.
"Where are you going? Just for a little bit, right? I mean, your not leaving me...are you?"
Questions I could never really answer. I force myself to nod my head, dropping my arms to my side. An angry sob tore from her throat and I winced, wishing that I was deaf too.
"Angel, please don't leave. I need you to be with me. I just got you back how can you just pick up and walk away from all that we have been through. All we have to do is put this behind us and go on with our lives." Buffy pleaded and I half expected her to get on her knees.
I turn away from her, shaking my head. Wishing that she didn't have to speak, wishing that she didn't have to make this harder then it already is. Just let me go, Buffy. While I still can. I bend over to pick up my suitcase but she is quicker than me and snatches it away.
"No!" She screams, pulling the suitcase behind her back so I couldn't reach it. "Angel, God Damnit, listen to me! I don't understand why you are leaving!" She sobs.
I desperately reach for my suitcase, I need to get away from this place. I need to get out. *Now*.
"No!" She shouts again, stepping back from me. Her expression turns from anger to anguish. "Is it because of me? I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry for sending you to hell! I didn't want to. I had to, please, if I could go back then I would let the world get sucked into hell." I shook my head desperately. No, this is not why I am leaving. No, Buffy, please don't think that.
"I'm so sorry that I made you loose your voice and I am sorry for never being strong enough for you or gave you more help. Everything! I'm so sorry for everything!" She shouted and then collapsed on the ground. I stood there shell shocked.
No, no, no. I sat down in front of her. Her head was hung and tears were streaming down her cheeks. I brushed stray hairs out of her place, tilting her chin up gently. I stared hard into her eyes, wishing I didn't have to do this. But I had to. Damnit, I had to.
I leaned forward, catching her lips in a bittersweet. I had to show her I didn't blame her. That I loved her. She deepen the kiss instantly, running her fingers through my hair. She tasted of vanilla and salt. Our tongues dueling violently until I pulled away with an unneeded gasp. We have said our good-bye.
I got up, gently taking the suitcase for her. She rose to her feet, wiping at her tears. She stared down at her hands as I forced myself to walk towards the door. Keep going. No! Stop! Turn around, go back, beg for forgiveness. My head hurt.
"Wait." She whispered softly and I could help but stop at the doorway. I couldn't turn around. If I did then I knew I would run back to her. "Will you write to me? You know, just to make sure you are okay."
I ghost of a smile spread on my features. I knew that I would have to write to her everyday I was away. I nod. Nod number 185 and counting. I took a deep unneeded breath. Pictured Buffy's beautiful face in my mind and walked out the door.
I knew that this was not a real good-bye. It was only time spent apart. I knew I would come running back to her eventually. She would be angry with me, of course but maybe she would someday forgive me. I already started to think what I would put in my letter to her once I reached LA.
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