Disclaimer: None of the characters you recognize from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel belong to me.  They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, etc.

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TIMELINE: canon up until "Enemies" (S3 Buffy)
SYNOPSIS: Buffy confronts Angel after "Enemies".
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Reruns + New CD = Fic.  Lyrics from "This Brilliant Dance" by Dashboard Confessional (Possibly the best band ever.  Everybody go download them.)

Buffy's POV:

I walked home from the mansion and came up to my room.  But I guess I was numb because I wasn't aware of any of it.  What I am aware of is that now I'm standing in front of my open window and although the breeze is warm, I'm chilled.

Faith has switched sides.  She's supposed to be my sister Slayer, fighter of the good fight.  And yes, I knew she had problems, but I was trying to help.  I was her friend and she turned against me, tried to kill me.  And tried to take Angel away from me.  Stupid bitch.

And then there's Angel.

//So this is odd
The painful realization that all has gone wrong
And nobody cares at all
And nobody cares at all//

Of course, he was only doing what I asked him to do.  He didn't want to do it.  When I brought up the plan, the look in his eyes tore through my heart.  But we needed to do it.  So we did it.  We took one for the team.  Like we always do.

It's ripping me apart.  Things were going kind of okay for us and then something all Hellmouth-y happens.  And I hate it.  I hate that I never get to be happy.  I feel the anger bubbling up inside me and I don't press it down.  If I'm not going to feel happiness, I'm going to at least feel something.

//So you bury all your lovers clothes
And burn the letters lover wrote,
But it doesnt make it any better
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hallway you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade//

Everything in my room reminds me of him and the anger I was feeling quickly switches to sadness.  Although I'm angry at the world, mostly I'm sad that I'm not with him.  That I can't be with him.  I want to laugh at the irony that the only person I love with my whole heart is the only person who can rip my heart to shreds.  Seeing him as Angelus just brought back all the old pain that neither of us ever quite recovered from.  And I wish instead of running from him, I could turn to him and have him hold me and kiss me and make everything better.  But down that road lies badness.  Comforting kisses easily lead to more passionate ones which lead to touching and pretty soon we've lost control.  With the fresh reminder of Angelus in my mind, I don't think I can handle things right now.

//So this is strange
Our sidestepping has come to be
A brilliant dance
Where nobody leads at all
Where nobody leads at all//

My thoughts are all over the place and I can't even start to sort through them.  I  love Angel and he loves me, but that's all I know.  The past year has broken our relationship into a thousand pieces and I can't fathom where to start putting it back together.  We can breaking up and making up. but we're making no progress.  Angel has insisted that we have no future together, but truthfully I don't care.  I just can't stand the circle we keep going around in.

I grab my coat from where I had tossed it on the bed and climb out the window.

**********************

Angel's POV:

She just left and once again I feel like someone just shoved a stake straight through my heart which of course is fitting imagery seeing as the only person who could make me feel this way is the Slayer.  My kind's worst enemy.  Shakespeare had it right when he said "my only love sprang from my only hate".  I should hate her, she should kill me.  It shouldn't be going the way the it is.  We shouldn't be so madly in love with each other that we can just barely stand it.  But we are.

I didn't want to follow her plan.  I knew it was a bad idea from the start.  Bringing Angelus up again would only serve to dredge up past pain that neither of us should have to deal with.  I told her that I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to hurt her.  She insisted that she'd be fine and that it was the only way.  That's my girl - stubborn.  I'm trying not to think about tonight but I can still see the expression on her face when my fist connected with her jaw.

//And the picture frames are facing down
And the ringing from this empty sound
Is deafening and keeping you from sleep
And breathing is a foreign task
And thinking's just too much to ask
And your measuring you minutes by
A clock thats blinking 8's//

I lean against the wall and close my eyes, debating my next move.  Things are so complicated between Buffy and I that I have no idea what to do next.  I guess I should just give her time to deal with everything.  But I can't stand not being around her and with Faith switching sides, it's especially dangerous for her to be alone.  I open my eyes and I'm shocked by what I see before me.

"Buffy."

**********************

Buffy's POV

When I enter the mansion, he is leaning against the wall, eyes closed, looking delicious as always.  I ran all the way here without thought and now I'm at a loss for words, so I stand here silently watching him.  Almost as if he senses me, he opens his eyes and speaks my name.  It sounds like music, but I try not to think about that.

"Angel," I respond.

"I thought you said you needed..."

"Time?  I know that 's what I said, but do you honestly think time will solve our problems?"  I can tell that this is it.  This is a deciding moment in our relationship or pseudorelationship, whatever it is.  I'm going to spill to him all the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head and his response means everything.

"I..." he starts, but I won't let him finish.  I need to get this out.

"Time won't solve our problems Angel.  Neither will ignoring them.  We need to talk this out.  I can't go through this makeup breakup shit anymore.  I don't have the strength.  If we're together, we're together and we're going to make it work.  If it's over, then it's over and that's the end."  The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, but seeing the slightly surprised look on his face, I feel the need to clarify.  "I don't want it to be over Angel.  I love you but this is so hard and we can't keep going in circles.  I can't, I just can't."  I'm surprised to hear my voice crack and I feel my eyes tear up, but I can't rip my gaze off my love.

"I love you, Buffy," he whispers and I feel my heart soar.

"That doesn't make everything better," I whisper back.  He takes a few quick steps towards me and clutches me to him.  Oh God, he feels so good, cool and solid against me.

"It'll be okay, love."

"How?" I ask.  I came hearing feeling strong in my mission, but now I feel so lost.

"I don't know," he rocks me gently and I take comfort in his arms, ironically the only place I feel safe.  I tilt my head, the position coming naturally and his mouth sealed over mine.  I love the way his lips warm as mine press against them, the way his body fits exactly against mine.  I can't get enough of him.

//Well this is incredible
Starving, insatiable,
Yes, this is love for the first time
And you'd like to think that you were invincible
Yeah, well, werent we all once
Before we felt lost for the first time?
This is the last time//

I don't know what's coming next.  How can I love this man so much, with such a vicious passion?  I don't know the answer and I'm not going to probe to deeply into it because right now his arms are around me and I want to cry from the beauty of it.  He is my first love, my only love.  No matter what.