Couples: Buffy/Angel
Synopsis: Angel thinks about his relationship with Cordelia, and the one that he has with a woman miles away.. (Oooh...some Angel angst, Joss'
secret service is sure to come after me)
Spoilers: Up through 'Waiting In the Wings', I kinda stopped watching Angel, so I don't know what's happening on it.
Disclaimer: As always, if you really want to sue me, all you'd get was a shiny nickel, I'm a poor student with bills upon bills... So I don't own them, and I'm just playing with them the way God intended. Satan's Bed is property of Pearl Jam.
Distribution: Perchance to Dream, Your Eyes, FF.net, Land of Denial, and anyone else who's hosting my other works. Anyone else, just drop me a line and go for it.
Dedication: To Liz for listening to all my rants about how totally stupid Angel is right now. You've been great honey! To Jen the magnificent, who fixes all my crap mistakes. To Sara-Lee, the sweetest person on earth.
Feedback: Yes please.
Note: I'm sorry guys, this has just been driving me crazy, so I had to write it. I'll try to have more of Hero out soon, I just hit Spring Break, which will help a whole ton.
Note 2: To those of you who have fic on my site, or go there to read the stuff, I won't be updating for a while 'cause I'm trying to see if I'm getting a new computer or not. Either way, that'll be about a month before I find out when I get it. I also will have to forego getting my domain until the computer is paid off.
Note 3: I'm writing a detective novel called That Dare Not Speak, if you've got free time, go check it out at FF.net and lemme know what you think.
It's all been saidbeen said and done...
I've never slept in Satan's bed
Although I must admit...still visits my place
Uninvited, as you know, he don't wait
Funny how he always seems to fit in
Funny how I always want to give in
Sundays, Fridays, Tuesdays, Thursday, the same
Sometimes the special guest, he don't like to leave
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...
There were days when he didn't feel like getting out of bed. Days that he just wanted to stay under the covers and imagine that his world wasn't the personal fuck toy of the Powers That Be. Days when he just wanted to
curl up into a ball and die because he'd taken far too much punishment than any person should have to bear.
But then again, he wasn't actually a 'person' per say. He was a demon spawn from hell who happened to be cursed with a mortal soul. For decades, he had been atoning for the wrongs of the demon, in hopes that one day he might finally reach that light at the end of the tunnel, his own personal shanshu. The day when he might finally be able to stand before God and finally ask forgiveness, instead of begging it from afar.
He had been so very lonely and lost when he had first come to Los Angeles, like a balloon finally cut away to drift aimlessly in the air. He had severed all of his ties with Buffy and the rest of her clan, and he was seriously confused as to what he was supposed to do next. And then Doyle had found him, had reminded him that there was still a mission for
him to complete, souls for him to save in penance for his crimes as a bloodthirsty demon. For the first time in his long life, he had a friend who wouldnt judge him based on things that were beyond his control. But just when he had been settling into his new life, the Powers that Be shook it all up again. This time, with the death of Doyle, a show that nothing was ever for certain.
Cordelia had been a good friend to him over the last two and a half years. Shed made him see that not all things were in his control, that he couldnt save everyone that crossed into his life. Now Doyles visions were her torment, her prison, a means for the Powers to give him messages. And they had cost her dearly, both career wise and relationship wise. Another sorrow on his already black soul. But he was amazed at the
strength she had gained, the resolve to keep her visions from ruining her life completely.
He had no idea where the thought that they were meant for each other had come from. Perhaps it had happened due to Freds loving meddling. Or Lornes suggestion. Or the fact that she had taken to loving Connor almost instantly. But he still couldnt forget the tiny blonde that had once set his world on fire, had made him feel again. Buffy had changed him from a lost nobody into a man with a mission, one who cared about the outcome of the world.
Who made, who made up, made up the myth
That we were born to be covered in bliss?
Who set the standard, born to be rich?
Such fine examples, skinny little bitch
Model, role model, roll some models in blood
Get some flesh to stick, so they look like us
I shit and I stink, I'm real, join the club
I'd stop and talk, but I'm already in love
He didnt know what had possessed him to go off the deep end the way he had. But now he had a living, breathing reminder of why he must never do something like that again. Not even with his hearts only love. If he lost his soul, if he gave into temptation and that nagging voice deep inside his head that he knew was the demon, if he did that then he would
most likely never see his son ever again. His son. That was a heavy sentence to swallow. For centuries he had bemoaned the fact that he could never bare children, and now he had living proof that he could.
But even Connor, something that brought him more joy than he had felt in so many years, felt like a betrayal to the woman who had believed in him when no one else had. She had loved him when she should have turned around and walked away. For the rest of his life, he would always remember that his sworn enemy had taught him to love again after a century of hiding in the shadows.
Now he and Cordelia were supposed to share some sort of special bond between two warriors that Fred had mentioned. But since when was Cordy a warrior? She was a messenger, even Doyle was only that. Did something happen while he was away, mourning for Buffy? Did something just swoop down and give her a tap and the title of warrior? He had only gone along with it because he hadnt wanted to risk the wrath of a bitchy and upset Cordy. He didnt want to go any further with his relationship with her because he was already in love, and it wasnt right.
He had Connor to worry about now, and the fate of the free world rested on keeping his son away from the bad guys. Now that included thousands of demons and some others that hed never even heard of. He had to feed, clothe, and protect a tiny life that needed him for everything. It was a new experience all together. When he had been mortal, he hadnt been concerned with heirs, and had gone out of his way to avoid having any offspring, legitimate or not, he hadn't really cared for children at all.
Now he was a father, and it was the most amazing thing in the world. But there were things that he longed for, things that he yearned to rise up and take that would never be his, not now and not ever. He had blown things with his soul mate, made it so they could never be together again. Ripped her heart into shreds so many countless times that she could never forgive him.
No matter what came at him, he would have to face it the way he had for decades. He would have to go forward into this frightening world, alone. He would always be alone
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...
