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TITLE: I Understand
AUTHOR: Reed (iheartbareed@yahoo.com)
DISCLAIMER: Not mine.
TIMELINE: After tonight's eppie (sorry don't know that
name.)
SPOILERS: For tonight's eppie.
SYNOPSIS: Buffy writes a letter to Angel after talking
to Spike.
FEEDBACK:I have no clue if this is going to make sense
outside of my head. So please let me know what you
think!!!!!!!
NOTES: I wrote this really really quick so it's
unbetaed.
_____
Angel,
I know it's been so long since we've talked. Longer
since we've talked openly without hiding behind a
variety of masks. When we met after I came back, I
know I told you that we should stay apart. Isn't that
what we've always said? Stay apart, it's too
dangerous to be together. I wish... well, no I've
learned not to wish for things. It always goes awry.
Anya's back in the vengeance game so we're being all
careful.
Anyway, this letter isn't about Anya. It's about you
and me. And Spike.
It's complicated.
When I came back, I was screwed up. Emotionally, not
physically or anything. Spike and I ended up in some
kind of codependent.........thing. I can't describe
it nor do I particularly want to. But I ended the
thing and then there was another type of thing, then
Spike left. Then there was a bunch of other
things......I guess I'm really not good at explaining
things, but it's not really important.
Spike has his soul. Shocking, huh?
I never saw you in the aftermath of when you got your
soul back. The first time was decades before I was
born and the second time was...well we weren't
together and we don't need to get into that now.
Spike said that you should have warned him about the
pain, but how could you have known that one day he
would experience the same thing? But when he
mentioned you, I saw
you in his place, all the pain and the regret. I'm
sorry that I put you through that and that you had to
go through it alone.
You told me once that Spike was a poet before he was
turned. You told me that he was awful but I guess
time improved him or something because he now seems to
have a very powerful way with words. The way he
described what he was feeling, although tainted with a
little insanity, broke my heart. For both of you. He
made me understand. Or at least I think I understand.
You never told me so many things. We were never big
with the deep talks. I guess we were to scared of
where things would lead. You wanted to protect me
from your past and I wanted to protect you from your
past, so we just stayed away. But because of that I
never saw how hard it was for you.
I think I'm rambling so I'll try to get to the point.
I love and miss you. I've finally come to terms with
the fact that these two feelings will be a permanant
part of my life. But I finally understand why you
left. I could see you through Spike, your motives -
the fear of causing pain, the fear of having to face
the wrenching grief yourself - shone through in the
grief in his eyes.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I
guess I needed to tell you how I felt. I wanted to
have some contact with you. Maybe you could give me a
call sometime? I'd love to hear the sound of your
voice.
I miss you. I love you. I understand.
~Buffy
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