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Title: Love, Loss & Regret
Author: Desdemona
Disclaimer: Not mine, likely never will be
Distribution: LoD, my site, anyone else just has to ask.
Summary: A short introspective piece from a certain character's point of view.
Spoilers: I don't know....Connor was born and the C/A thing happened but I think that's it...
Author's Notes: To spite the twisted brain of Joss.
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Love. It's a simple word, for an extremely complex emotion. How can a small word explain everything love implies? There's a very simple answer to that. It can't. The course of true love never did run smoothnever were truer words spoken. I can't explain what happened between us but what ever it was; it messed us up royally.
It all happened so fast. I fell for him so long ago, but it was never love then. Or was it? All he had to do was walk through that door and I had fallen for him. Just a look from him, could send, those glorious shivers down my spine. He was my angel, just as his name implied. Then, through the fog, I watched my angel turn his back on me. He merely walked away. Was I supposed to run after him? Was I supposed to collapse and let my sobs call him back from the night? No, he had made his choice; and it wasn't me. But if I'm so damn logical about it, why do I feel so bad?
She won. She always wins. She fights the good fight and the good guys always win. I'm not saying I'm evil or anything, just that I guess I always knew she had that hold on him I could never touch. She was the one who told him to fight for the good side. Hell, she pulled him back from the deadtwice! Granted, I've never had to, since he left her. But I didn't see him running to her for help, when his life fell to pieces. Then again, he didn't come to me either. I mean, maybe I could understand him running back to her and begging to be taken back, if he'd had some kind of contact with her in the past years, but, alas, no. Now he's all "Normal Joe," and I have to see her. What do I do for him, like the idiot that I am? I watch his son, hoping for once it was just a friendly business chat, but again, it's just not my luck. Now, I sit here, with a two-year-old tornado wrecking my apartment, while he goes and finds dream date number one. Why can't he see what's in front of him? Because to him, if I'm not her, I'm not worth his time.
"What's wrong aunt Cordy?" His little voice draws me out of my thoughts. "I was just thinking about some things" I answer, softly. "Were they sad things?" the observant two-year-old asks. "No, not sad thoughts, Connor. Aunt Cordy just wishes things were a little different." He nods his head, in acceptance and returns to driving his bright red fire engine into my wall. I watch him for a while. His life is so simple. He can draw amusement from ramming a truck at my wall. I'd ask why my life couldn't be like that, but then again, that may not be so much fun for an adult.
And so I sit and wait for the final blow. My apartment is silent, the life sucked out of it, except for his whirlwind of a son. I brood, his typical pastime, on love, loss, and regret. I never truly understood her until now. This is what she felt when he walked away, except she knew he'd come home. He'll always go home. To her. I was just to blind to see it. Love. Can I love someone who breaks my heart at every turn, and when I know the love will never be returned again? Can I know that this will end only as some helpless infatuation? Maybe that's all it ever was. An infatuation. If it could escape me that he would always love her, then maybe I'm too blind to love. Love. A joy I never hoped for and a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. To love is to lose, or at least from my perspective. A paradox.
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