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Title: One More Time
Author: LauraM
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: ....pshit.....
Pairing: B/A of course
Its funny to me that still, two years after I left Sunnydale, my love,
my home; I still thought of it every single day of my un-life. You'd think
that when you actually leave a place, you're *LEAVING* it behind; starting a
new life, heading forward. But I'm stuck right where I was when I left,
except human, and a thousand times unhappier. Its silly...something I've
dreamed of my whole life, and its a waste without the person I wanted to
share it with.
I want to go back to Buffy, but this stupid pride I've always had is
keeping me here, in hell, with Cordelia. The pretending is almost sickening
to me; pretending I love this person whom my only love has always despised.
Maybe thats why I do it, flirt with Cordelia. Maybe I'm just trying to stay
in touch with some sort of the Buffy I left behind. I know, I'm morbid.
So I could call her, and tell her I'm human now; but imagining what she
would say scares me every time I start to pick up the phone. I'm pretty sure
shed either be really hurt, or just really, really mad at me. I'm sure its
the combination of the two. She couldn't possibly want me after all this
time, after what I did to her. I knew she wouldn't actually try for a normal
life; believe me, I know Buffy. But would she forgive me for being so blind?
Would she want to try at this one more time? That slight bit of hope almost
overtakes the pride; but no. I won't call her. Not tonight. But when?
And thats when it happened. By some holy miracle; by some grace of some
God, Buffy called me. I felt her on the other end of the phone as soon as I
heard that brilliant ring. I hesitated for a moment and then picked it up,
eager to hear my beloveds voice, a whisper, even a hollow sigh would do.
Anything to know that shes okay, and that shell be okay.
It was awkward, like I knew it was, and I stupidly blurted out my
humanity to her. I don't think she believed me, but why would she? I had
never even mentioned the possibility to her. After I told her, I knew I
needed to be in Sunnydale. Id leave right then, Cordelia bitching and all. I
dropped everything and ran to my car, hands fumbling with the keys as the
anticipation of seeing Buffy again consumed me. But what was I expecting? For
her to take me back, with open arms? Humanity and all? Would she even want me
as human? Thats sick...of course she would. But still, I wonder...
The drive was shorter than I expected it to be; and when I pulled up to
the familiar house on Revello drive my heart was beating a million times a
minute. I could have fainted right then and there with the anxiety eating me
alive, and it would have been wonderful. Anywhere Buffy is would feel
wonderful. And then my brain started doing little topsy turnsies in my head.
Should I run up to the door, into the house and sweep Buffy off of her feet?
....She might kill me for that....
Should I knock on the door, and act all polite; act like I wasn't craving to
touch her, feel her, taste her, be with her? I didnt know what she
expected...I couldnt decide what I expected!
I ended up knocking and handing her a wild flower I'd picked out of the
neighbors lawn. It was 4:20 in the morning...and that flower was the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen in my whole life and un-life combined when I
saw Buffy raise it up to her perfect little nostrils and smell it.
The smile that we shared seemed to last forever, until finally she moved
aside, and motioned for me to enter. I stopped a few steps in to look around
at how different the house was. Was this Buffy that was standing before me
just as different as this foreign/familiar house? She looked so different
from the young woman I left a few years ago; her eyes carried excess baggage,
like she hadn't been sleeping in months. If she felt anything like I've been
feeling for her, maybe she hadn't.
She was thinner than I remembered too. And her hair...those beautiful
golden locks were shortened, more mature looking almost. I found it very
appealing and commented on it.
"You really like it? I didn't at first...bit of a shock. Just something I had
to get used to. You know? Didnt want to let it go. It was kind of a
comforting thing I guess; and then *POOF* goodbye comfort, hello loneliness."
"Yeah...I know how that is."
"Good." She remarked wryly.
"Buffy..."
"HUMAN?!" oh god... "Angel, how could you not have told me? YOU'RE HUMAN!!!
W-what? Are you *still* not good enough for me? Can you *still* not take me
out into the sunlight?" And then she spoke those next hurtful words so
quietly I had to strain my human ears to hear her; and afterwards I wished I
hadnt. "Do you not want me?"
"Oh Buffy....more than anything. You just, you don't under-"
"I don't understand! I don't understand!? Angel!! How could I *NOT*
understand? Youre granted this almighty reward; something that could have
guaranteed us both lots and lots and LOTS of happiness, and you didn't tell
*ME!* How long has this been? A week? A month? Two damn years? Angel? Tell
me!"
There's tears on her beautiful cheeks, and I can feel her pain reverberating
into my soul. I move into wipe them away and she steps back; and with that
rigid step I can feel my heart break into a million pieces all over again.
"Buffy, I didn't know. I didn't know how you would feel, how your life was
now, if you'd even want me back. I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I was
scared, Buffy. I was just so..."
A small sob escapes her mouth as she tells me of course she still wants me. I
m all shes ever wanted; and Im a jack-ass for not knowing that. But hey, I
already knew that.
When I move in to wipe her tears again she doesn't move away, she moves in.
And then her hand is on my face, copying the motions on my face that Im
doing to hers. I didn't even know I was crying; but of course I was. How
could I not be?
" I love you." I whisper.
" I love you too." She says.
"Wanna start over? One more time?" I ask
She looks up at me nodding her head, tears still streaming down her cheeks.
"Be my girl again?"
"Always..."
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