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TITLE: Lie to me
AUTHOR: Fallen Darkness
E-MAIL: Hermione_Rocks@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: Joss owns everyone except BtVS S2 Angel
TIMELINE: Sometime after 'Gone'
SPOILERS: Mild up to 'Gone'
SYNOPSIS: Buffy's POV while reflecting.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask and you shall recive.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: My first BtVS fanfic. All of my earlier stuff is
Harry Potter.
FEEDBACK: Good.
RATING: PG-ish
Lie to me
People used to try to protect me. They would either avoid telling me things or they would tell me not to worry, they'd take care of me. I hated it. I wished they'd just let me take care of myself.
People always say, 'be careful what you wish for.'
I'm in complete agreement.
No one even tries to shelter me any more.
I don't know if I'm glad.
I should be, I got my wish.
Part of protecting someone is lying to them. I know that now. I guess I always have.
Once I told Giles to lie to me.
And now I'm lying to myself.
Everyday I tell myself: My life is good.
I have a sister who loves me. A best friend who I should be able to tell anything. A guy friend who'll protect me at almost any cost. A
fighting partner. Regular sex.What's not to like?
Right. You have to ask.
All of that is true. Every bit of it.
But it's only one side of it. If you look at a cube strait on you'll only see one dimension of it.
That picture of my life was only 1/6 of a cube.
You want the rest?
Are you sure?
Completely?
There's no going back once I tell you.
All right then.
My sister may love me, but she hates me more. She hates that I loved her enough to die for her. She's afraid she doesn't love me enough. She hates me for having the guts to die. To leave her alone for three months. Like I had a choice.
She'll get over.
Eventually.
Next item on the list.
My Watcher.
Pass. He was my father and he left.
Pass.
I don't even want to go there.
Now, on to my mother.
Dead.
Next.
Best friend.
Willow.
Stable.
Right.
Try whimpering, simpering, ex-Wicca/witch who is trying to get over an addiction.
Stable.
Don't make me laugh.
Xander, guy friend.
He's the one semi-stable person in my life.
For now.
He's getting married in two months.
Yay for him.
Yay.
My fighting partner isn't any good.
It's hard to fight beside someone you can't trust. Believe me, I know.
Sex.
I've had sex maybe, a hundred times.
I've been with four guys.
Two one-night stands. One boyfriend. One mistake I can't let go of.
It always feels good. Sex always does. It's a pre-programmed response to certain activities.
Parker was nothing. A one-night stand that will never happen again. It hurt.
With Riley it made him happy. That was enough. That's in my past.
Spike, knows all my secrets. He loves my dark side. He was the first to know where I had been. He was the first to make me feel anything when I came back. He was the only one who didn't treat me like a rose petal. The only one who saw me as anything except a piece of glass. I sleep with him. I get heavy with him. I ride him till he screams. I feel pleasure. I live like Faith once said her life was like, 'get some and get gone.'
Score one for Faith.
I get some from Spike then I get gone.
Sex has only made me truly happy once. I've only really felt once.
Angel.
He was a one-night stand now that I think about it.
HA! My first was a one-night stand! Don't I feel special.
Boil it down and this is what we have left: We made love and then he left me.
And I still gave him my heart.
He still has it.
I'd give anything to get him back.
I found out last week that he has a son. A beautiful baby boy named Conner.
That same night, I went to a bar with Spike. He went and did the kitten thing and left me at the counter. I had more drinks then I can remember and started talking to a blue dude. Or maybe he was yellow.
But anyway, around 11:30 we got around to our love lives and he asked if I had ever been in love.
I answered 'Yes.' I said more but now I can't remember what.
Then he asked, "Would you rather have loved a real, true love and lost it or never know it at all?"
I told Spike I was leaving.
Because I don't know the answer to that question.
Yes I do.
It's them same answer.
The one my life revolves around.
I want them to shelter me. To protect me.
I want them to lie to me.
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